If you’re going to fail, fail big.
My first seven years of life were spent in a secular family. My parents weren’t concerned with my religious upbringing because they were post-hippies living in suburbia. We worshiped television, Atari, and The Dukes of Hazzard. It was the late 70s and early 80s and something like religion — confusing and ambiguous — wasn’t on our family’s radar screen.
When my parents separated in 1982, my mother sent me to a Catholic school. I had no background in the Catholic liturgy — but the teacher, a former nun, gave me the bible on my second day of school and asked me to read the scripture at an upcoming mass.
No problem, right? I can read. I’m wicked smart and gifted. I went up to the microphone, read the story from the bible, and sat down with great satisfaction. Aren’t I cute? Wasn’t I briliant?
Well it turns out that I was supposed to also read something called THE RESPONSORIAL PSALM, too — it’s a call/answer portion of the mass. At seven years old, with no attention span, I totally missed those instructions.
Flashback to 1982: I’m down in my chair and wondering why everyone is staring at me. The priest clears his throat. My teacher rolls her eyes. I look down at my instructions, see the psalm, and run back up to the lectern. In the microphone I utter the words, “Oh shit.”
Hello, third graders! I’m new in town. Want to be my friend?
Oy. The priest immediately dismissed me from the microphone and I fought back tears. So needless to say, the seeds of my anti-establishment nature were sewn at a very early age. Had I known, back in 1982, that it was so easy to procure & hang a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner, I would have done it. The banner would have been a perfect backdrop at St. Wenceslaus!
LOL! That’s some pretty heavy responsibility to lay on the shoulders of a 7-year old non-Catholic kid. They deserved a full F-bomb for that. Maybe even the M-F bomb.
I work at a Catholic hospital, affiliated with a Catholic university, just a few blocks south of a major Catholic cathedral. Sometimes I just want to run around campus, screaming profanities and flinging poo at the nuns. Would this be a bad career move?
That’s a funny story.
@Perrik I don’t miss my Catholic school daze. I wanted to pick ‘Madonna’ as my confirmation name — as an almost life-long atheist, I thought it would be a perfect choice since I was being forced to attend confirmation at 13 — but the wenchy nun wouldn’t let me pick Madonna. I think being a nun is a bad career move, myself. She was so bitter!!
@Brad I’m here to please!!
oh i want to hug sweet little laurs. you were a doll even then.
Cols, I definitely need(ed) some media training!!
oh my lord, the things we have in common. i went to catholic school K-8. I too had to do a reading at mass (i never volunteered). So right after i read it, i went out side and threw up everywhere. I was about 8, and this should be around 1989? Since then I started throwing up in and outside the church - I couldn’t make it through mass anymore. What does that say?
So my calling to the anti es world was when the principal of my 7-8 grade school yanked me outside during a band concert and reprimanded me about not turning in a permission slip to go across the street. She also felt compelled to tell me that it was solely MY fault that enrollment for next years 7th grade is WAY down. I am making the school look bad. I think I started laughing in her face. Next thing you know I’m bummin around with the skater kids from the public school.
I’m pretty sure that Catholic school is a vortex for the devil, Gina. It’s good to know that I have a soul sister (so to speak) out there!!
My husband had some really great stories from his parochial school days, and a friend of mine hated Catholic school so much he purposely got expelled by dropping an entire box of ball bearings into the main stairwell! Definitely in my day, nuns were allowed to be either nurses or teachers or contemplatives - no wonder a lot of ‘em were unhappy. I guess the lesson here is that some systems don’t allow for failure as an option with do-overs allowed. Your unintended error and follow up comment could have all been addressed by a good learning environment and a focus on learning rather than punishment.
Totally stepped on my dress and tumbled down the stairs in front of the altar after making my First Communion. Not as good as your story, but completely understand the trials that come with growing up as a Catholic kid.
@Robyn Your unintended error and follow up comment could have all been addressed by a good learning environment and a focus on learning rather than punishment. That environment would NOT be my former Catholic school.
@Chelsea Love. The. Story.
Haha, Laurie, I grew up Lutheran but sometimes it feels pretty darned close to Catholicism. Didn’t attend Catholic school, but I got stuck with the Evangelicals in High School instead (just in time for some *intense* sex-ed). Uffda. Now I affiliate with no religion but study theology and ethics… go figure!
I’m not surprised, Alison. I studied comparative theology as part of my undergrad. It was important to understand religion & its history because it was such a weird force in my life. Studying religion also reaffirmed my atheistic beliefs. Also, Lutherans are just pissed off Catholics.