I hate the training industry and HR motivational speakers, but I’m breaking into the field because I’m convinced that I’m the next Tony Robbins — with smaller teeth and a smarter message.
Here’s my pitch:
Your company requires ’sexual harassment’ training. Back in the 90s, it was a one-hour PowerPoint presentation that was delivered over lunch. Then employees started hiring lawyers (god forbid), so the training morphed into ‘respectful employee conduct’ training sessions. Then some genius in HR/Marketing rebranded the endeavor as ‘conscious workplace interactions’ training sessions and sold toolkits and integrated software programs. HR decided to save time and incorporate some diversity training into those sessions, too, but it’s hard to talk about diversity when there isn’t much diversity in the room.
In the spirit of cutting to the chase, I’m starting a training division under my Punk Rock HR LLC Conglomerate and I am offering a comprehensive training session called Please Just STFU and Do Your Job: One Easy Step To Avoid Workplace Litigation.
It’s common-sense training for today’s busy workforce.
My rate? Since we’re friends, I’ll give you the Punk Rock HR discount and charge a flat rate of $1,000/day — plus all travel expenses and a per diem to cover Starbucks.
Trust me, it will be the best money your company spends on HR training in 2008.
more cat pictures
Is there going to be a board game for this? That’s where the real money is.
Back in my HR days, on the day of our scheduled/annual “all-employee” Sexual Harassment training, I showed up to work with severe laryngitis. (ooops) But since the training was so important, and 100’s of people were scheduled to be there, I tried to go ahead with the 1 hour training session. After just a few painful minutes, my CEO stood up, told me to sit down, and said to the room full of people - “Sexual Harassment. It’s wrong. Do it - and I’ll fire your ass.” Training over, and the most effective training session I’ve ever been to!
I love you SO much! My training for sexual harassment consists mostly of “be an adult” and “Don’t give it; Don’t take it” Most people get that… but then again, I’ve only been at this for 4 months so I’ve not been sued yet.
I know what STFU stands for and I’m highly offended. Since I am reading this at work (over my lunch hour) you have created an uncomfortable working environment.
You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.
@tracytran I also like the idea of t-shirts.
@cincyrecruiter I love it. That’s why he is the CEO and most of us will never be at that level.
@heather OMG, people will say, “You didn’t say sending 50 emails to someone proclaiming my love is a violation of workplace harassment rules.” Get ready.
@TheD Bring it on.
This is genius.
Wow….you need to come out to Colorado. Sexual Harassment Training at my place of employment involved a very detailed powerpoint with a quiz afterwards (which I completed while humming the Sexual Harassment Panda theme song). So much of that would be encompassed by the STFU approach and would save time, money, and energy in the long run.
You are my new hero! I live in California where we are required to have 2 f’in hours of sexual harassment training, which of course, has to be blessed by legal. How about a sexual harassment, diversity, respect, oh, and don’t forget ADA training video game, or even better, something for the Wii?
Laurie, this is just perfect! I have to take my training tomorrow, can I say I had it covered now? For you I’d even STFU (at least for a day or two).
@Lindseig I’d like to come to Colorado. It’s pretty out there, and we could get rid of your quiz in a heartbeat.
@hrwithpie Love the name and love the Wii concept. If we can get wii bowling incorporated into my STFU training, I’ll buy the console and travel with it.
@MegBear You’re covered. I’ll send you a STFU certificate!!
Your lack of professionalism is disappointing and sets a poor example for others in the HR profession.