I am hosting a baby shower for Boss of One (Jen) on Saturday afternoon. I’m a little conflicted about the party because, if I’m being totally honest, this pregnancy has cramped our style.
- We’re no longer drinking margaritas and riding the wild bull.
- Instead, we’re shopping for organic cloth diapers and taking handfuls of vitamins.
What the hell? I tried to tell Jen that tequila is good for the fetus, but she doesn’t believe me.
I’ve grown increasingly irritated with the mythology of pregnancy, childbirth & womanhood over the past 7.5 months. When most people talk to Jen, they don’t ask about her job. They don’t want to know about her political beliefs or her views on universal health care. She is asked:
- When are you due?
- Was this baby planned?
- What’s the gender?
- Are you having an epidural?
For reals? Jen is a woman with personal goals, dreams, and big ideas. Ask her about the local food movement. Ask her about organic gardening & farming. Jen can change the world and change diapers. She doesn’t have to choose.
I am also irritated with the multitude of advice given to women regarding pregnancy & childbirth. Whether you ask for it or not, you’ll be told
- you should do THIS.
- you should do THAT.
- you’ll kill the baby if you DON’T DO THIS VERY IMPORTANT THING.
How the hell did women ever have children before fetal monitors, ultrasounds, and sonograms?
I’ve learned that there comes a point in a pregnancy where there is too much advice from friends, family members & experts. Everything begins to contradict itself; nothing adds up, and you are forced to rely upon your instincts and common sense to understand your current situation.
In that sense, pregnancy reminds me of Corporate Human Resources.
- Everyone has an opinion on how you should operate.
- Your general state of being gives you heartburn & anxiety.
- You are constantly told — WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD, AND BECAUSE IT IS SO IMPORTANT, I AM GOING TO MICROMANAGE THE WAY YOU DO IT.
- Martyrdom for a ‘bigger cause’ is required.
I know that Jen is looking forward to having this baby, and she is strong enough & smart enough to sort through all this bullshit (including my cynicism) and choose a path that’s right for her. I am so glad that she’s having this baby (& not me). I don’t suffer fools gladly, and it wouldn’t take more than one stranger rubbing my tummeh before I punched someone in the face.
Really, I go back to one of my original question:
- How could tequila do anything but improve pregnancy?
I still don’t get it. Probably a good thing that I just have cats.
more cat pictures
Hi Laurie… I’ve subscribed to your blog and have been reading for a week or so. Good stuff. This entry was particularly funny to me! Mostly because it’s true. I’m assuming that you don’t have kids yourself, but you’ve totally grasped the pregnancy journey by osmosis through Jen. You are right on about trusting your instincts. And the cat pic at the end,perfect. I hope you have a great shower and best of luck to Jen!
Hey, Michele, thanks for the thoughtful comment. I’ll pass along your good wishes to Jen, and we’ll post pictures of the shower on Sunday!
At my last job, in Human Resources, my boss got SO tired of people trying to rub her pregnant belly that she almost stopped going to the mall. Preach it, sista!
Nice little linky bait you stuck in there, too — only the most popular website on all of WordPress.org! (one which I try SO PARTICULARLY HARD to hate, too. If only they weren’t occasionally so damn funny. )
latest thing, you know, is a little wine is GOOD for a fetus. Course, not long ago there was no minimum amount of alchohol that was safe because it was so ENTIRELY deadly.
What we used to do? Have babies. Most of the time it worked out just fine.
@Lea OMG, do not rub the belleh. That should be on every pregnant woman’s shirt.
@almost Wine is good for a fetus? Man, I can’t keep up. I will be preaching the benefits of wine @ the baby shower on Saturday!!
It’s generous of you to host, yo!
Pregnancy and corporate america have a lot of similarities in general, but at least in the corporate office, if someone were to ask you if they can touch your belly or (and yes, I had this happen when I was pregnant with Pain) someone just touches your belly, you’ve got one killer lawsuit.
Dear Pregnancy,
No thank you.
Regards,
Jenn Barnes
PS I can’t stand it when strangers stand or walk too close to me. If one touched my stomach I think I would karate chop them.
Wait until she has the baby. I remember the first time I hung out with my cousin after she had hers. What a mood killer.
@weez Ach, I’ve had my belleh touched in corporate America and I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t sue, either. Snap! Maybe I’m just an old fashioned girl who expects a little sexual harassment now & then.
@hrWench No pregnancy for you? Is this why you neutered your kittehs?
@RachL Oh may, this bebeh is going to cramp our ability to stay out late and pick up college boys at the local dueling piano bar.
I’m all about adoption
Pregnancy is the worst at work. You cease to be a professional woman. Now you are a mother in progress who had sex. Sadly, women are the worst about this. Why doesn’t anyone ask men about work/life balance? No one asked my husband if he would continue to work after the baby was born.
@pink God, I hate people & I hate work.
i don’t remember having too many strangers bold enough to touch my stomach when i was preggers… maybe i exude ‘get-away-from-me’… i should bottle that up and sell it!
one thing you can’t escape is people’s curiosity about your plans… i just said the stuff most people like to hear, and steered away from my feelings about vaccinations and cow’s milk… oops, did i just let that slip?!?!
every now and again, i got ornery and looked for a woman to debate… i think some of that aggression i can blame on being pregnant… twice is enough for me! i hated being pregnant, but the delivery part was totally fine… if i could just do that part, i’d start surrogating deliveries for every woman i met… that would have to pay well, right?
@ladyangora Don’t you own a maternity shirt that says get-away-from-me? I think surrogates make OK money, not great. You might make more $$ working at Starbucks. Better benefits, too.
Actually, from what I’ve heard, surrogates make pretty good cash. The worst thing I have heard lately regarding pregnancy was from my friend Stacy who is pregnant with twins. When someone asks and she states that she is having twins, she has received more than one condolense, ie.” I feel so sorry for you.” What the f—?!
I don’t know what I would do if someone touched my belly if I were pregnant. Maybe return the favor and see how they like it.
Lisa, really, how much is good cash? Seriously. $50K? 100k? It’s a pain in the ass AND weird to be pregnant with another person’s baby. You couldn’t pay me enough to do it.