Very often, when we get angry and feel hopeless, we blame the wrong people. The government. Our families. Our old bosses. We abdicate responsibility and use the words woulda, coulda, and shoulda in our vocabulary.
Every single human being has been mistreated in some way — and we are are all victims of unfortunate circumstances. Very few of us reaches our full potential. I woulda been a heckuva lawyer. I coulda been a great musician. My parents shoulda loved me more.
When I meet people who have been through hell and back, and when they are living in the present and trying to make this world a better place, I am inspired. I want to learn from those people. Their triumphs make me forget my own woulda coulda shoulda issues and focus on something more important than my own personal drama.
I have great empathy for people who have survived tragic conditions in life, but tragedy does not make us unique. In fact, it makes us human and ordinary. No one escapes this world without enduring pain, hardship, and loss. What makes us unique and amazing is our ability to endure tragic events and emerge with empathy and a sense of purpose.
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You said it sista.
I used to be one of those “woulda, coulda, shoulda” type persons until I realized that those things which I thought worked toward preventing me from being something more, were, in fact, the driving forces behind making me the success I am today. Sometimes setbacks, sufferings, and unsuspected circumstances, while in the short term, for lack of better words, suck –are truly the things that make us stronger in the long run. Without them our thinking would be adolescent, our actions impulsive, and our appreciation negligible. No thanks. For better or for worse, I’ll take life in all its ups and downs -enjoying the ride, respecting its terms, and grateful for all its humbling glory.
I used to worry that I hadn’t reached my potential.
Now I worry that I have.
There is a song out there by Matt Kearney with the lyric, “I guess We’re all one phone call from our knees”.
Your post reminds me of that lyric. In an instant your perspective can be completely changed. I guess until you get that “call” or know someone close to you that has, daily drama is something to be worried about.
I have those coulda shoulda woulda moments and for about 2 minutes I ponder the ifs. Then reality slaps me in the face. I’m happy where I am in my life. Had I not been through the shit I’ve been through I would not be the person sitting here at work typing this on her iPhone. I enjoy what I do, I have a wonderful spouse and a cat that’s just too darn cute.
Stop looking backward, make the most out of the life you have now instead of dwelling on the life you might coulda shoulda or woulda had.
@April – kewl! I have one “shoulda” that runs recurrently through my head all the time. I shoulda got the iPhone instead of the G1!
@Laurie – I coulda commented to you first, but I had to get that shoulda out of my system.
I dont know why you treat me so bad
Think of all the things we coulda had
Love is an ocean that I cant forget
My sweet sixteen I would never regret
I wanna know that youll tell me
I love to stay
Take me to the river, drop me in the water
Push me in the river, dip me in the water
Washing me down, washing me
At my desk, I read this everyday– amazingly put’s everything in perspective:
“The secret of health for both mind and body
is not to mourn for the past,
not to worry about the future,
or not to anticipate troubles,
but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
—The Buddha
–and just the other day, I had an epiphany that I was very happy with myself– no worries. Nice when that happens!!
You really have a way of finding my soapbox issues, Laurie…I usually am glib in my responses on your blog, but this time you have caught me being very serious.
True tragedy and loss can cause trauma, a psychological condition that has impact on both our physiological and emotional functioning. The “woulda coulda shoulda” lament can be related to neurological processes that get impaired when the brain’s wires get short-circuited by emotionally overwhelming events. Trauma is a condition that is beyond the body’s physical and psychological capacities to manage, and long term consequences often follow when effective professional guidance is not sought.
And the truth of the matter is, there is not a whole lot of “effective professional guidance” out there. Most mental health professionals are not highly informed or skilled in dealing with trauma. Research into trauma is not funded by pharmaceutical companies, so most professionals know more about bipolar disorder, which is funded by superpharm.
Persons affected by trauma struggle in every avenue of their lives, particularly in employment. It is much deeper than what most folks are aware of. It might behoove folks in HR to understand it more, as your contact with it is probably frustrating. You probably see it as an excuse that an individual uses to get out of accepting accountability, when the reality is that most folks struggling with it won’t even let you know.
Not everyone who sings the woulda coulda shoulda lament is a survior of trauma. And those who are need to be guided into a more hopeful awareness. But sitting on a perch of superiority and criticizing someone who is stuck in a negative psychological pattern only makes it worse. Yes, you need to hold people to expectations. And when they are not, you need to help them find ways that they can. Insisting upon a level of resilience that makes you feel better, though, is a losing proposition on both sides.
Here’s my suggestion to HR folks: Find trauma specialists in your communities that have training and expertise in evidence based practices specifically for trauma. Provide information in the workplace about trauma and providers that can help folks. If there are not services readily available in the community, advocate with existing providers to increase the professional capacities in your area.
If you saw the statistics on how many people suffer from the effects of trauma and associated negative behaviors, you would be astounded. Your workforces are most definitely affected.
As Laurie said, trauma can happen to everyone. And everyone has the capacity to triumph over it. But most people need help, support and guidance to be the hero we want them to be. Rather than take a defensive posture about those whose lack of present resilience annoys us, why not find effective ways to help them become survivors?
BZ
You have expressed to perfection why I have no patience for a victim mentality. Believe me, I have truck loads of empathy for anyone who’s gone through difficulties. But to continue to think “I can’t do that because my parents did this to me,” or whatever the situation is works my last nerve because EVERYBODY has gone through hell and back in theirs lives. At least everyone I know. The key is to not use those things as excuses for not moving forward. Was it Caroline Myss who always talked about “woundology?” Being stuck in that addiction to the wounds is pretty powerful if you get alot of attention for it, but I’d rather charge ahead in life. And I am awed by people who suffer real hardships but are so positive and present in their lives.
My husband set my brain straight on this subject one day with a very simple, husband-like statement. I said something like, “If only I’d taken that one job ten years ago instead of this one, maybe–” and he immediately interrupted me with, “You might be dead right now for all you know! Why would you assume that the path you didn’t take was paved with gold? Maybe if you’d taken that one, you would’ve been hit by a bus on the way to work.”
This is why I love that man of mine. Make the best of where you are NOW instead of idealizing where you think you should’ve gone.
I find seeing human tragedy and confronting it has two benefits.
First, we achieve empathy for others. We all have mistakes and make them. When we empathize with the pain of others, we also can help them – or be inspired by them.
Secondly, we achieve empathy for ourselves. To see that others suffer as we do takes down our internal boundaires. We may get knocked off a pedal of arrogance or we may appreciate our own experiences better, but we relate to ourselves better.
BZTAT, I agree with you 100%, except for the behooving of HR part. We are not professional counselors and can’t be expected to fill that role. I point employees in the direction of help, but if they won’t take that help and continue to avoid accountability in their jobs, then I’m done. That’s where the impatience with the victim mentality comes from. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “But he/she’s got it so much easier than me.” Complete bollocks.
I don’t discount anyone’s trauma and the effect it has on them or their need for professional help. But in my experience the employees who’ve been the most difficult in this regard cling to the notion that they are special in their pain. They are not. They assume that everyone else who is positive and highly productive has had an easy road in life. They have not. But the employees continue to make these excuses in order to avoid doing what they they need to do be functional in their jobs, so there isn’t much more HR can or should do for them.
Plus, you then get into the “problem child” mentality. Why should all the superstar employees receive less focus than those who continually fall below expectations? In a business environment, you have to put your efforts into the employees who keep your company afloat. There’s only so much you can do for an employees who won’t change, won’t get help, yet want to maintain status quo. I feel for them, I really do. But there comes a point where they need to step up and do their part.
First – amen sister!
I have always admired Victor Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning) and his theories that the only thing we can control is our reaction to events…I choose to deal with these things positively instead of letting negativity drag me down. I will not wear the shroud of the victim because while I may BE the victim of chance, I do not have to be victimized by it. And, frankly, somewhere someone ALWAYS has it worse, so how bad could this really be?
Every little choice we make brings us to where we are, so we’d better learn to be okay with it or start making other choices. In terms of suffering trauma – my toe-stub may be someone else’s trauma – it is all about how we deal with it.
I do not think I have suffered true tragedy. That being said, I have lost two babies during gestation and nearly bled to death with the second loss three months ago – while these things were difficult and painful (still are), they were not tragedies, they were life and I am still living.
One of my favorite quotes is from an obscure book called The Manuscript of Hugo Potts (the author escapes me at the moment):
“Life consists of preventing little tragedies, big tragedies just happen.”
And we deal with them, and we go on – and we still show up to work if we want to keep our job and get paid and all.
) Not to list too many re-directs, but watch/read The Last Lecture, in which Randy Pauch teaches us all how to deal with tragedy and continue to enjoy life simultaneously. He is my hero.
@Sid thanks
@Daisycutter I am a woulda coulda shoulda person and I have to fight against that tendency in my life. I am humbled with I meet someone who kicks ass, takes names, and oh by the way has a husband in hospice care. Makes my woulda coulda shoulda issues seem trivial.
@Class I set the bar pretty low in life so I can always exceed expectations.
@George You are so right. Tip O’Neill says all politics is local — and I think all tragedies are local, too. Some of us make mountains out of molehills, choose to live in the past, or we operate out of fear. I say — don’t wait until a real tragedy strikes to appreciate your life.
@adowling You know, so many people seek validation for their illnesses, tragedies, and personal drama. I wish we could just say, “Okay, as a society, we acknowledge your pain. Now let’s talk about how to move forward.”
@Michael Is that the Talking Heads version?
@MattyMat That’s so weird — I was thinking about how to be present when writing this post.
@BZTat I know you’re a professional in this area, so I totally respect your POV on this subject matter. I believe that many of us are traumatized — far more than we currently acknowledge — and that work becomes an unhealthy channel for our fear, anger, and frustration. We don’t have identity as ‘whole’ individuals, so we try to define ourselves in segments that take on too much importance and always let us down. Instead of being human, we are lawyers, accountants, IT specialists, and HR folks. Your identity is not your job, and the more we propagate an immature view of careers and employment, the more we disappoint ourselves and set ourselves up for failure.
@H Aria I know so many people in life who claim that they are unable to achieve certain goals (finding a husband, getting a good job, being financially stable) because of personal trauma or emotional injury. I have a few things to say: rethink your goals, look at your actions, and learn from people who are doing it right. I believe there are institutional pressures that hold people back from success, but there are also personal reasons why so many aren’t successful. I also want to say this: not everyone wins in life. Sometimes people lose. You get the short end of the stick. I guess my question is simple: what’s the alternative? You either commit to a life of personal improvement or you opt-out. I know people who’ve opted-out, both physically (suicide) and emotionally (hermits & all around weirdoes), and those alternatives are not pretty.
@Steven Empathy. You have me thinking about another post.
@H Aria I think BZ understands HR as most employees understand HR — we’re here for you as employees and we’ll find you the resources you need to be successful at work. Unfortunately, that’s not the role of HR. That’s the role of counselors and clergy and parents. We need to do a better job of talking about what HR is really meant to do.
@Low Wow, this comment is as inspiring as it is educational. Thank you. As a side note: my husband and I hit a rough patch in 2000 and we both read Victor Frankl. It was as good as, if not better than, couples therapy.
@laurie – David Byrne et al …….some versions show could have…whatev, same same to me
Laurie–Other than our mutual disgust for Sarah Palin and our shared love for ginger and white kitties with attitude, I think your first comment is the closest we have ever been in sync. The second comment–not so much so.
My belief is that HR should fill the role of maximizing the workforce for the company and for the employees’ benefit. I do not think HR professionals should be counseling employees, but I do think it helps to have some understanding of their needs. You are there as a resource for humans, right? Never has been that in my experience (I refer back to a more jaded and cynical post in another thread), but as you said then, it is a nice ideal.
If you have underproducing employees, it helps to understand where they are coming from if you want them to do better, no? Otherwise you just keep knocking your head against the wall and lament about belly aching employees on blogs.
If you have a very valuable employee who suddenly takes a dive in attititude and work productivity, do you just cast them aside because they did not get the same inspiration from Frankl that you did? What if that person had a trauma that you didn’t know about? People do what they do out of fear and survival instincts, and higher level thinking that is involved in Frankl’s philosophy is neurologically impossible when someone is in an active state of trauma experience. It is a health issue, not a character thing.
I do not think that people should be coddled or excused for bad behavior if they have been a survivor of trauma. I do think that some awareness of their purposes will help you be more effective in dealing with them and reduce your frustration with them.
People are people, not problems. They are humans who need resources, not numbers to being manipulated. Is HR so callous that there is no compassion for the lives of employees? I am not saying you should tolerate excuses. I am saying that we all respond to each other better when we are more accepting of where we come from. We all come from something, but we all respond in different ways.
BTW–If you ask me what I do for a living, I will tell you I am a counselor. If you ask me who I am, I am an artist. It is an exciting but also scary thought that I could soon be saying artist when you ask both questions…
BZ
Victor Frankl’s work really helped redefine my approach to life. But it was stealthy. When I first read it it didn’t have much of an impact. It was a few months later that I understood how my life could be improved by his message. As a result, I make sure to tell my students about it any time I teach introduction to psychology.
I was dwelt in the missed opportunities of the past. I am no longer that person. It was hard work, but well worth it. One thing I must say is that people who are negative don’t necessarily choose to be that way. The brain is a complicated thing and too often people like that (like me, really) can think of no other way of perceiving life. For us, being happy and living in the present is an acquired skill.
@BZ I love your description of HR but I still don’t see those roles as appropriate in the workforce. I believe in outsourcing much of HR, providing universal health care & benefits, and rethinking the whole employee/employer relationship. So on a personal level, I think we have an obligation to help one another as human beings; however, you have a responsibility to be the best person you can be so you don’t drag humankind into the mud. I’m totally interested in this conversation — and I think we can remove woulda coulda shoulda from our vocabulary and still acknowledge pain & trauma in our lives.
@George I think you’re right about Frankl. I had an immediate reaction to his work. As I get older, his books (and some other religious texts, too) have become the foundation of some of the most important things I believe about life, consciousness, and relationships.
Just wait til Scrubby and Brew come out with their book. No one has seen the troubles those guys have seen…
An old addage says, “Two men looked out of prison walls. One saw mud, the other saw stars.” I believe in helping both guys see the whole reality of their situation through cooperative discourse. Doesn’t matter what your role is, you can do it at every juncture in your life.
Except when an idiot cuts you off in traffic. Then the other guy stop being a person and start becoming a problem worthy of several F-Bombs (BZ’s bastardized version of Martin Buber).
“Everything happens for a reason” – I try to live by that as much as I can. Everything I’ve been though has brought me to where I am today. It’s hard/impossible to understand at the time, but when I look back, I’m just like, “…yeah…” *cue cheesy smiley face*
I get caught up in the coulda, shoulda, woulda and what ifs all too easily. Eventually I pull myself out of it. Sometimes it’s harder than others. Sometimes it requires therapy or medication. It is what it is, though. I just keep trying to fight the good fight as best as I can.
I will say, something that has helped me out this year is “do-gooding.” Normally, I can’t stand people who get a bit preachy and say, “Go volunteer, blah blah blah.” In my case, I’ve been do-gooding while being social – fundraisers at local bars, 5Ks, that sort of thing. It has helped me tons to get out of my own head…at least for a little while.
@BZTat You are the Dalai Lama of Canton!
@MeredithElaine The biggest and best thing I ever did with my life is start volunteering. It saved me from myself, my brain, and my narcissism. Well, okay, maybe not the narcissism. I recommend it to every single unemployed person out there. Show compassion to someone (or something — like a cat) and you’ll get it back 10x over. Also, generic Prozac is $4 at Walmart and I can’t recommend it enough to people. If your brain is broken, fix it.
Funny how people in Canton don’t think that. But then the Dalai Lama of Tibet lives in exile, so I guess that’s par for the course.
generic Prozac is $4 at Walmart
Except in Wisconsin, where our legislators, in their wisdom, protect us from low prices. Heaven forbid a retailer choose to sell something below cost! That would be awful for consumers. Awful.
I went through those coulda shoulda woulda days, and still struggle with them from time to time, not because of any tragedy or anything close to it. Just leaving a job and a career — a combination of my own self-absorbed hubris, a lack of patience, a heaping dose of frustration, all in a changing industry. When I left that old career, entirely of my own volition, it was almost a decade ago (gulp). For a long time, I felt like Henry Hill lamenting at the end of Goodfellas — “I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.” I missed the action and the charge my old job gave me. I never quite captured that again in any job since. But who’s to say I would have had all those things I so treasure now — a wonderful wife, a wide-eyed child? Perspective? Choices we make and shit happening, happen for a reason, I believe. And it beats a life of self pity. Hemingway wrote: “Remorse is a splendid name for a racehorse but it is a poor lifetime companion for a man.” Or a woman, I would add, of course. Thanks for the post, Laurie.