I had a friend ask, “Simple question, Laurie. Are you happy?”
I responded, “I’m not a simple girl.”
That’s such a stupid answer and I immediately regretted it. Those are the kinds of answers that make me want to puke in my mouth. So let me try answering this again.
- Of course I am happy.
- I have an awesome life.
- I don’t want for anything.
Am I always happy? Pffffft, no way. I have flaws. I am hypercritical. Aways on edge, dissatisfied, looking for meaning where meaning doesn’t exist. I am kind of melancholic when it’s unnecessary. Let me clarify: I am moody.
But yeah, I am happy. I’m just not stupid happy. I anticipate sorrow in life. I am ready for it. Always.
So let me ask you a simple question: are you happy?
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Because of the time zone, I always seem to be one of the first here……but for once I’ll move away from frippery, even though it is Friday.
This is a question I have been mulling over a lot during the last 6 months. Whether I am happy, what it means to be happy, whether I set my standards too high in what I want in life or whether wanting these things is not selfish but ok (I’m not talking material things here).
I had never as an adult been content, instead I had always wanted more, demanded more and expected more. I thought this was a personality trait, something that reflected negatively about me. And then for the briefest moment some months ago, things happened and I was, at that moment, at that time completely content. I was truly at peace (not in the happy clappy sense!).
That was when I realised I really wasn’t happy and furthermore that the searching for more was about fulfillment not selfish indulgence. Since then? Well its a journey I guess. I’ll let you know if and when I reach the end.
Once saw an interview with Terry Bradshaw and he was asked this question. His response was one that I felt reflected my life.
“I am content with the direction my life has taken”
I thought it was quite an interesting answer.
Being happy to me is not a state of being. Happiness is made up of moments. Moments of wonderful, peaceful feelings. Moments of overwhelming feelings of love & contentment. Moments of satisfaction and feelings of accomplishment. Moments of rolling around on the floor laughing and playing with the dogs or the grandchildren. Between those moments there are times of extreme anxiety, sadness, grief, worry and great pain.
I don’t believe that anyone is always happy. For me…..I’m happy if I can cope with the bad times so I can enjoy the happy ones. I have a good life with a wonderful husband/partner/soul mate, two great children, 5 beautiful grandchildren and 3 big “always happy” dogs. I’m happy……but at times I’m not so happy. In my book that’s what happy is.
I agree with Fran. It is not possible to be that kind of “up” happy 100% of the time. Even when you are strolling along in the sunshine and the birds are chirping, you’ll step in a pile of dog poop and that will dampen your day some.
But, overall, I am happy with my life. This particular year was challenging for a while for my family, but we emerged on the other side of things intact. For that I am very grateful and happy.
While there are things in my life I often want to change, my life is still really great. I am blessed in so many ways, so many of them undeserved. I work hard to keep myself in a humble and appreciative state of mind. Being grateful and showing my appreciation makes me happy. Giving makes me happy. I get to do a lot of both. So yes, definitely.
HRD- Is a search for fulfillment not selfish indulgence?
This is not a diss of your answer but a serious pondering. I ask that because I have been questing for what I call fulfillment for a while now – professionally and personally – with limited success. And now I occasionally ask myself if I was in a better position before my journey began.
My mother (long deceased), had a HARD life – alcoholic husband, too many children, no money to clothe them sometimes. She would be rolling her eyes at me if she saw my life: nice house, disposable income, beautiful children. She would think I was nuts for questioning any of this.
I’m happy – or should be.
I’m pretty much a prepetually happy dude. Not insanely crazy happy like my dog Darth (Vader is the brooding one), but a very happy dude. Like @Amanda Hite, there are things I want to change, and improve, but none of them is “bad” or makes me unhappy. I wake up every morning, feeling very lucky for all that I have, and that carries through my day.
I consider myself cautiously optimistic. When it comes to my own happiness- I’m always aware that the things, moments that cause me to happy could just as quickly disappear or blow up in my face…I revel in the moment- but not for too long because I know anything can happen so I don’t want to take it for granted…
make sense?
Despite still loving my POS es-ter-anged husband , I actually am happy.
Got a job that I sometimes don’t understand, but I got a job, and it’s fun. I have healthy kids, still have a nice house, have family and friends that love and support me…it could be so much worse.
I am unhappy though when my cat poops in my bathtub. That makes me sad.
I have happy moments throughout the day but finish most days unfulfilled, always feeling I should be doing more with my life.
@Joan – An interesting question and one that I’m not sure I entirely have the answer to! If you haven’t read it, try The Alchemist by Paul Coelho – “Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him”.
I think I might try and blog a longer response!
To answer your question: I’m comfortable of where am at right now. I’m going to get happy and I’m going to get emotional. Now if you’re happy all the time, either you’re lucky, you’re hiding something, or you just got a lifetime supply of botox.
I like Banker’s response, via Terry Bradshaw, namely because I don’t tend to wonder “am I happy?”, but rather, “am I content?” That level of contentedness changes throughout the day. At this moment, I’m having breakfast at the table with Kitty snuggling up to me hoping I’ll give him cereal milk. Will he get it? No. Am I content for the moment? Yes. In this chaotic world, I’ll take it.
Nope! I know what it feels like to be happy and this isn’t it. One of those situations where I spent all my time and energy trying to figure out what I was “supposed” to do with my life, rather than figuring out what actually makes me happy and then doing that. I think my generation seriously needs help with that kind of thing, we are no damn good at it. (Though is anyone?)
Got it under control now, I think, I’m just stuck in a holding pattern because the thing I’m shuttling over to is taking, like, a year and a half to make happen. But whatever, it’ll be worth it.
I am both unhappy and happy right now. Unhappy because I hate my job, and my family is far away and also somewhat unhappy. I’m happy because I am maneuvering to change my life through a career change that feels so perfect for me. I have to be patient because it will take some time to even get started on that change, but it’s a path that I have at least taken a few steps on. I’m happy that I found my bliss but completely impatient to get there. My unhappy family members will also be able to escape their unhappy situation within the next year or so.
It’s all just a waiting game…
Remember Barbra Streisand’s song, “People.” “People who need people are the happiest people in the world?”
Instead of focusing on “Me, Me, Me” – maybe I’m happier when I’m focusing on you and a developing relationship. Life’s a pretty lonely place if I’m self-absorbed. Maybe it was the way I was raised, but people who have the time to sit around and wonder “Am I happy?” have way to much tine on their hands. Focus on someone else.
Wow. Deep stuff, Laurie.
Am I happy? Right now? This minute? Sort-of. I have an adorable dog in my lap and I’m drinking a Diet Coke, so yeah, that makes me happy.
Overall? I love my family, my friends, my boyfriend.
But I don’t love my job. I wish I could make money doing what I love. And they say that the career doesn’t make the woman, but the career makes the money, and I’m not making any money. So that part makes me a little unhappy.
But I am definitely grateful for all the things in my life.
Does that make sense?
Man, getting reflective on a Friday morning is tough.
I’m going to go see PRECIOUS today, so that will probably make me way more happy about my life.
Great post, Laurie. This topic kinda parallels some other discussions I’ve read abouta book I’d really like to read, “Bright Sided” by Barbara Ehrenreich.
She talks about the relentless push to be super, uber positive. I think positive thinking is a great tool in moderation, but it doesn’t replace logic, science or the occasional need to do some heavy lifting and/or eat a s&*t sandwich that life presents us.
Some people just can’t do the super-sunny, Vaseline-on-the-teeth smile kind of happy all the time. I happen to own real estate at the corner of Wry and Sarcastic.
“Happy” may not be the most appropriate word but I consider myself lucky that I’m aware of what I’ve achieved and what I have. I don’t expect sunshine and lollipops every day, but I think that makes me appreciate small moments and surprises that much more.
You know, I think I am mostly happy. But my wife says I have low expectations. I think that is code for, I don’t always want what she wants me to want?
My Dad was in the buffet line at my brother’s wedding, years ago, and casual as can be looked at me and said: “You know, if I had it to do all over again, I don’t think I would have had you kids.” I just about crapped my pants in protest, backing at his insensitivity. Now that I have three kids of my own, all under the age of ten, I know what he means. My life’s energy has been sucked into providing for others. Day in, day out (Not the kind of provide for others you get to momentarily do when you bring in a can of string beans for the Food Drive). Now before anyone think me as self focused or insensitive as my Pop, know this, I love my kids. Deeply. It is just much more of a heavy haul than I ever thought it would be.
Lastly, and in answer to your question, watch comedian Bill Murray do his first dramatic role in the 1984 movie: The Razors Edge. “He had everything and wanted nothing. He learned that he had nothing and wanted everything. He saved the world and then it shattered. The path to enlightenment is as sharp and narrow as a razor’s edge.” Great flick.
Alcohol makes me “happier” – hanging out with good friends makes me happy — seeing family without talking politics or religion makes me happy– making conceptual/abstract art that no-one understands makes me happy— just HAVING a job I enjoy makes me happy– finally killing a level boss makes me happy– seeing Dallas, 49ers, Carolina, or the Patriots lose makes me happy– not caring what you think of me makes me VERY happy!! I’m generally content.
Money and the people that surround it like pigs at a trough make me unhappy.
Someone driving too slow in front of me makes me want to kill people. Acute unhappiness!! If that element was erased from my life— I’d be SO much happier!!!
I remember that I had a deep philosophical discussion with a friend 15 years ago about the difference between happiness and contentment. It seemed sooooo important back then to put my finger on the correct descriptions and distinctions. Nowadays, it really is not an issue. I just go about my day and do what I do and think about what else I need to get done.
I look at life as an adventure. You don’t always know what is coming, but you know something will. You try to shape the things that seem to be in your power to shape, and work on trying to accept the things that you can’t. (artist’s version of the serenity prayer) You recognize that the things that you put off come back to get you, and you have to accept the consequences with as much grace as you can summon.
I know that I keep pushing to find new directions and journeys in my life. I have a desire to have some kind of big impact on the world. I struggle with the niggling little details of things that try to slow me down in the pursuit. I stress and stew about the financial realities of my recent career choices, but then I also revel in the accomplishments that I have made over the past year. I have happy moments. I have sad moments. I have terrifying moments. I have gratifying moments.
Am I happy? Am I unhappy? Who the hell cares? I am enjoying the adventure, and that is all that matters to me.
I make myself happy on purpose. Right now, I’m home in my jammies drinking my morning tea, and that makes me happy. But if I think about why I’m home on a Friday (reduced work hours & pay due to crap economy), I start to lose my happy. So I stop thinking about that and enjoy my tea.
I never expect happiness (no Pollyanna here), but I make a point of focusing on what can be happy and so, usually, I am. I only have so much energy in the day, so I may as well spend it finding the good parts instead of the bad. (And if I can’t find the good, I can always find humor, even dark humor, in everything.)
Yeah, if only I lived close enough to my family and close friends so I could see them on a regular basis, especially during holidays, I’d be happier. But I don’t, so deal with it. When you can’t make that “if only” happen, then deal with your reality as it is. There’s always something to be happy about. Like peppermint mochas, Frank Sinatra’s version of Jingle Bells, or the fact that we’re in Eat Whatever the Hell You Want Without Shame season. What’s not to be happy about?
The founders put it’s pursuit in the declaration of independence with a capital H none the less right there next Life and Liberty as unalienable rights. I figure that means we’re not selfish or inappropriate in taking the time to assess the success of that pursuit in personal terms. I question anyone who dissuades you or makes you to feel wrong in considering the question. “oh don’t worry about your liberty, just focus on service and it will distract you” I’ve heard, substituting the other Declared right. Happiness as they referred to it is not some smiley simplistic notion some have slurred it as. That was never the point. Happiness seems to me a byproduct of what you focus on. Focus on what you have, and you’re happy. Focus on what you want and you’re not as much.
Bingo, Nick! Yes – happy, definitely. Would I welcome change in several places – yes, I would. I love writing, publishing, and helping others. I’m grateful to be able to share.
@BZTAT’s comment about doing what is within your power and knowing what isn’t is great wisdom. It’s what’s here in the present that counts.
My sincerest apologies if my other posting made it up..working w/ new laptop where mouse is not in the middle..anyway…Thank you so much for prompting this conversation. I have to say that I thought I really was a crazy person because I dont bounce down the street every single day with sun shine, shining out of my ass every day. Some days are great, some are good, and some suck..but I do bounce back from the crappy days, and there have been tons of them lately…but I always see the silver lining in every bad situation…so does that make me content? I think so:)!
Happiness is a fleeting emotion. It comes and goes regularly for me. I am happy when I stop and feel the sunshine on my face, when my cat purrs, when I spend time with family and friends.
More importantly, I am content. Content-ness stays with you. I find that the more content I am with my life I chose spend more time doing things that make me happy.
PS – I know content-ness is not a word, but I think it should be!
@Michelle – I think “contentedness” is a word. I’m not sure why one would need those extra two letters, since your version gets the idea across more efficiently, but there you go
simply, no.
But I have a better handle on why not than I have ever had before, as well as better ideas about that to do about it. I just started dating women (as opposed to banging my head against the wall wondering why relationships with men I wasn’t attracted to weren’t working), which is scarry and exciting and wonderful. But it’s awful to be 35 and wondering for the first time in nearly 2 decades what Dad will say. And having to wait to talk to him until I can afford to fly to tell him in person is irritating.
I can see happy from here, I think, and that’s a huge improvement over last year at this time, when all I could see was a yawning chasm of disappointment, loss, pain and deprivation.
@TheHRD It makes me happy that you’re almost always the first to comment — so if that means something, awesome. Will look forward to reading your post!
@Banker I love that. Terry Bradshaw has been thru emotional hell.
@Fran I took the happiness conversation offline with my friend and we ended up at the place that you described. Perfect. Thank you.
@Melissa I’m glad you’re in a good place.
@Amanda You’ve worked hard for your happiness.
@Joan I think you can be happy & comfortable — and yet restless. It keeps us on our toes.
@Puf Gratitude makes me happy. I’m also grateful for both Darth & Vader. Those guys? My favorite dogs. They need a blog.
@Karen Cautiously optimistic always makes sense in my book.
@HRU I don’t blame you for your cat poop ennui. Your cat poops in the tub out of stress. Try Feliway plugins, spray, and also Dr. Elsey’s litter. It’s expensive but go to Cat Fairies and learn why it works.
@Ann I’m with you, sister.
@Tracy Good answer. Also where can I get this lifetime supply of botox???
@Simone How do you resist giving him cereal milk? I can’t say no so I stopped eating cereal. Swear to god.
@Ian I’m glad you can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
@gHrunt Life is a big stupid waiting game, isn’t it?
@Sue & Molly Your answers are in sync with one another. Giving makes you happy. I get that. Totally. That’s why I love doing animal rescue. It makes me happy when I help those (kitties) who can’t help themselves.
@Patrick Barbara Ehrenreich’s book is totally on my list. You’ll have to let me know how you like it. Cannot stand the shiny happy people holding hands movement. It’s so depressing to me.
@Dale I never saw the movie, but I’ll tell you this: my grandmother said that same thing. She has four kids, 14 grandkids, and wonders what it would have been like had she taken a few years for herself. Regret is a tough thing to stomach. Wondering WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN makes her unhappy.
@MattyMat Money makes you unhappy? See, money makes me happy. Is that a selfish thing for me to admit?
@BZTat I dunno. I like the concept of an adventure, because it is, but I like taking some time to reflect. Maybe that’s because I’m lazy and moody. I like to dwell.
@H.Aria I like your focus on optimism. You know, it’s hard for me to focus on the good things when I’m alone 20 hrs/day — but when I’m surrounded with friends and loved ones, I can enjoy the awesomeness of a peppermint mocha. Amen Holiday Season!
@Nick Focus on what you have, and you’re happy. Focus on what you want and you’re not as much. I always focus on what I want. Keeps me hungry and improves my life.
@Marsha I love BZ for her great wisdom, too. She adds so much to my life. Glad you picked up on that, too. (That makes me happy.)
@Meagan Don’t bounce. See the silver-lining and just be YOU. Faking happiness will make you miserable.
@Michelle Awesome comment. Thank you.
@Ian I like Michelle’s version, too!
@Ian
@JustVikki Listen, fuck banging your head. I think your peace within yourself is worth more than what dad would say. Good luck with your journey and know that we’re behind you!
Content is a very powerful word. IMO content is being secure in the knowledge that we are good at what we do. Can pay the bills, take care of our responsibilities, have learned to set boundaries for ourselves and others while being able to share what we know and maybe a dollar or two to help someone else once in a while. Living without anxiety either alone or with someone else. Handling the peaks and the valleys with stability of emotion, being able to laugh at ourselves may perhaps be the “happiness” that brings self knowledge and ultimately contentment. It’s a great place to be.
I am happy on the whole. There are unhappy moments, days, weeks but my life is wonderful and rich and fulfilling. But on some of the days the big picture is clouded by the minutiae of life.
And I think this says it all…I wouldn’t change a thing!
‘lil bit
Sid.
@Laurie I don’t like to over-intellectualize something very simple with quotes or adages from favorite writers– either you’re happy or not happy– or in between? Be who you are without some societal expectation telling you if you’re not a rich Pollyanna 24/7– that means you’re miserable. I take responsibility for my life– and I like it– and I could give a shit if you (3rd prty) don’t. Have a nice day– asshole.
I’ve made alot of money in the past– and have found that I sincerely DON’T LIKE the kind of people who’s sole purpose in life is to make money by any means necessary, regardless of ethics or morals. I just don’t like what it does to people. Employers egos with respect to money, raises or otherwise. I like money as a means to an end– but it doesn’t make me happy, persay.
The short answer is I am not happy. I am reasonably content, which is remarkable given my lack of employment (lack of a paycheck, if you want to be specific). However, I am confident that happy is just around the corner. It’s what keeps me going.
The not so short answer, is that contentment seems to be an equilibrium state. It keeps us from slicing our wrists, while simultaneously keeps us hungry for more. “Happy” is how we describe a positive disequilibrium in our emotional state. Most of us will experience happy as a fleeting experience.
The trouble starts when our equilibrium is somewhere short of content.
How’d ya like my psychobabble?
@Laurie and @Marsha–Glad I have an admiration club online. Everyone here in Canton, OH thinks I am full of sh*t.
Oddly enough my blog today is related to this. Even in the worst of circumstances we here in the US have every reason to celebrate and give thanks. You might be unemployed but you still have a roof over your head and a full belly. More importantly you should have hope. Unemployment doesn’t last forever. Everyday I wake up on the right side of the grass is a good day.
Dave “That Job Guy” Templeman http://www.thatjobguy.com
I like to think of myself as a happy person in spite of whatever stuff is going on in my life. Stress, worries, and tough decisions can make me feel down, but I’m a firm believer that the crap in your life is what makes you appreciate everything else. At any given time, if you ask me if I’m happy, you can bet on yes.
@Recruiting Oh boy, I am NOT content per that definition.
@leanne Perfect answer!
@Sid That’s enough.
@MattyMat Okay, I’ll make the money for the two of us and you can just be happy. I’ll keep you in clover.
@George Your psychobabble makes me happy. I’m glad you still come to my blog!
@Dave Thanks, Dave.
@HRMinion Happy is a choice, I guess!
@Laurie Wow– today must be my lucky day! I’m gonna go buy a lottery ticket now–
have a happy & splendid weekend!!
Yep! I’m the happiest person I know, even though I’m going through heaps of c–p at the moment – I’m still happy.
If you’re moody and on edge, I STRONGLY recommend you practice meditation. In fact have a look at my page on
http://www.happylifementoring.com/benefits-of-meditation.html
Live Life Happy!
Yes. My new years resolution last year was to be happy, do what makes me happy and put those that make me happy ahead of everything else. Eternal optimist, that’s me. Drives my husband batty but the past two years have brought about changes in our lives that have been all for the better. And the drive to do what makes me happy took us to the Humane Society where we brought home our four legged, furry little child.
I don’t know that I’m happy all the time. I guess I equate happy with an emotion rather than a state of being. I’m not sad all the time, I’m not excited all the time, it makes sense that I’m not happy all the time.
I am going through a lot of the same stresses as others in this economy – my spouse and I are employed, thank goodness, but his commission is way down, we’re upside down on our modest home and staring bankruptcy in the face because we cannot make the money we need (and before anyone starts to judge – we have no second home, no mcmansion, no toys. We were happy to live within our means until 75% of our means were pulled from beneath us). So am I happy all the time? Hell no. But weirdly enough, in all this stress, I am content. I have had to learn to let go of what I don’t control, I’m responsible for my choices and behavior and no one else’s, much of what happens in my life isn’t all about me. And I’ve had to become okay with that or live in constant dissatisfaction. When I think about those things and my own growth, that makes me happy. For me happiness comes from the few times I succeed at being the person I aspire to be. It doesn’t happen even half the time, but it does happen and those little flashes of just being me make me happy.
There are many things, people, ideas that make me happy. There are also many things, people, ideas that make me unhappy. Most days, the things, people, and ideas that make me happy are outweighing the ones that make me unhappy.
I would consider myself a generally happy person. I have so many good things in my life to be thankful for [wonderful bf, 2 lovely cats, a job, supportive/awesome family & friends]. I think in order to be happy, one must not think of what they lack, but what they have. : ]
I am late to the party, as usual. For some, happiness seems to be a journey, or at least part of a journey, and for others, its a destination. As for me, I often find myself afraid to be happy, lest the moment turn “bad” and life says I told you so (as life always will, sooner or later), so I am trying to learn that 1. its ok to relax and enjoy a moment and 2. Only I get to judge whether I should be happy or not. I have found that the more I give, and the more that others around me are happy, the better I feel. Simplistic, but true.
Absolutely!