I have a very good friend who once confessed to me that he only poops at work. Apparently, it is the American dream to get paid to poop. Why poop at home if someone is paying you to work? Might as well poop on the clock.
I thought this was crazy — until I started to hate my job and took this methodology on a test run. I only pooped at work. If I traveled, I waited until I arrived at the office or off-site meeting to poop. Even though I am an advocate of pooping when nature calls — and I take Benefiber to keep my plumbing in good shape — I started holding my urge to poop until I arrived at the office.
Out at lunch and need to poop? Too bad. It had to wait until I am back in the building.
I am making this confession because your company is spending six figures to implement a Gallup employee survey and you are not asking a critical question:
- Where do you poop?
Believe me, the answer is both a valid and reliable measurement of how employees feel about your company.
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I love pooping on the clock; it’s one of the best things about working.
Typically crappy advice! (snark)
Not what I expected to read today but it made me laugh.
@Jeff I think this is a belief held mostly by men. Pooping at work, while conceptually fun, is overrated. I now prefer my own bathroom.
@Michael I wanted to do something lighthearted after all this sexual harassment schtuff.
What’s REALLY telling is when they use the poop to write nasty things on the bathroom walls. I know not one, but TWO HR people who have been through that one.
Really, you have to be pretty pissed about something to pick up your own turd and write with it. There are not enough idiot bosses (or rubber gloves) in the whole world to make that a good idea.
@Kerry Holy crap. (Literally.) I heard David Sedaris tell a story of people taking a poop in dressing rooms at Target and Banana Republic. For why??!
I live rural and have a septic system that periodically needs to be pumped out. Therefore, if I can download somewhere, anywhere else; that has the positive effect of extending my at home onsite waste storage capacity.
Therefore, I do do the doodoo somewhere else. For five days a week, that would be at work.
Laurie
i work on the 4th floor. there’s a lady from the 3rd floor who comes up to our bathroom to poop. we all know her as the poop lady. she grunts. she glares at people who are standing around doing their makeup.
everyone’s association when they see her is one thing and one thing only: pooping.
i’ve heard of “don’t sh+t where you eat” … this lady has taken it to another extreme “don’t sh+t where you work.”
I am sorry, pooping except when absolutely necessary at work is off limits for me> If I have to steal time its surfing the net, reading a magazine (not on the throne)or making personal phone calls….Interesting premise…
Now I know why I gag every time I go in the Men’s room lately…I guess morale must be low!!!
M
I must clearly be the exception to the rule, because I prefer to keep that particular bodily function confined to my own personal bathroom if at all possible. Hi, I’m Prudy McRepression, nice to meet you.
I currently live in a students’ hall of residency and share a toilet with 10 others. Our toilet is disgusting, to say the least. The toilets at work, on the other hand, are the epitome of hygiene in comparison. So if it’s possible, I prefer to go at work.
But I believe in pooping when nature calls, so I don’t forcefully hold it in all day until I finally get to work.
@RMS My in-laws have a septic system that’s always on the fritz. It has been my preference, in years past, to poop at the local bagel shop.
@Dan I love the classics.
@Cols I hope people don’t think of me as the HR Chick who always talks about poop — although that would be accurate.
@Mark LOL, morale is so low!!
@KellyO I prefer to poop at home with my double utra super soft Quilted Northern — but when I had a job, I will admit that it was nice to be paid to poop.
@Karin I’m with you. Holding your urges & instincts are unhealthy. I’ve learned that the hard way (so to speak).
I’m so excited to finally have some context in which to say this: I’m in the middle of an ongoing debate with someone about why the organization will not provide wet-wipes in the bathroom. I told him it’s because I don’t want to increase the incidence of on-the-job pooping.
Oh boy! Mrs. Ask A Manager (I call her MA’AM — get it?) made me famous.
While I respect her opinion, I think she may have missed a great opportunity here to improve office morale, health, and … wait for it … productivity.
My argument is, if an employee came to you complaining of making contact with unhealthy material with their hands, what competent manager would advise them to simply wipe with toilet paper. Certainly not MA’AM, I can assure you — it has happened on several occasions.
So I would submit the same managerial obligation applies to other body parts, including the bottom.
Please to discuss.
Oh boy! Mrs. Ask A Manager (I call her MA’AM — get it?) made me famous.
While I respect her opinion, I think she may have missed a great opportunity here to improve office morale, health, and … wait for it … productivity.
My argument is, if an employee came to you complaining of making contact with unhealthy material with their hands, what competent manager would advise them to simply wipe with toilet paper. Certainly not MA’AM, I can assure you — it has happened on several occasions.
So I would submit the same managerial obligation applies to other body parts, including the bottom.
Please to discuss.
Oh boy! Mrs. Ask A Manager (I call her MA’AM — get it?) made me famous.
While I respect her opinion, I think she may have missed a great opportunity here to improve office morale, health, and … wait for it … productivity.
My argument is, if an employee came to you complaining of making contact with unhealthy material with their hands, what competent manager would advise them to simply wipe with toilet paper. Certainly not MA’AM, I can assure you — it has happened on several occasions.
So I would submit the same managerial obligation applies to other body parts, including the bottom.
Please to discuss.
@Ask a Manager Great response. What’s next? A pre-tax employee spending account for wet wipes? I encourage pooping at work, but bring your own supplies.
@Fan I submitted this: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2007/06/08/hand-washing-for-non-believers/ I pulled this down from the Pfizer St. Louis bathroom when the office was part of my regional group. I’m germaphobic, but you’re not going to die from poop germs. Geez.
When presenting a role to a passive candidate I’m going to start mentioning the cleanliness of the restrooms and I’m going to advise my clients to add a few high end, warm water, bidets.
This is a blog post? And you learned about this HR practice where???
Completely used to be a Big Fan of the Big Dump at work, but then I changed offices and it ruined it for me. I couldn’t believe how people left their shit (literally). Disgusting. Hey, you want to poop at work, fine, but please remember there are others who want to poop there, too. Your wife (or mom) isn’t coming by later to clean up your mess.
I don’t know how it is for the opposite sex, but I think I’m with Paulie from The Sopranos on this one: “Your average men’s shithouse is a f—ing sewer. You look at lady’s johns, you can eat maple walnut ice cream from the toilets.”
@John Yes, this is a blog post. You seemed surprised. This is Punk Rock HR — not fancy HR for those who have proper sensibilities. The person who told me about his beliefs in pooping didn’t work in HR — because I have friends outside of HR, believe it or not — but he did work for my previous employer. When I talk about this subject in unpretentious and familiar circles, which I often do, the sentiment strikes a chord. “I poop at work — and on the company dime — because I’m unhappy with my organization.” My question, as HR practitioners, is simple: do we need a Gallup poll to measure employee engagement, or do we need an earthier and organic approach? Work with me, John. Just trying to have a little fun with the subject of employee engagement and morale.
@Icepick You never saw the ladies restroom at Leaf Candy Company in St. Louis, Missouri. It made me question humanity.
Ewww… maple walnut ice cream on the toilet… I love pooping at work! It’s the best part of my day. But we have really luxurious bathrooms so getting to spend time there is objectively awesome.
Also we have wet naps in a drawer next to the throne… but people just bring them in periodically, it’s not hr sponsored.
@Lexy I’m not sure how I feel about community wet naps. I’ll bring my own, thankyouverymuch.
@laurie and @kerry – I am saddened to share with you the fact that poop, in addition to ‘nose poop’ has been fun for some to smear on walls, doors, etc…people, just when you think you have seen it all…Okay, enough of this poop (or whatever word you choose to put in here…).
Interesting way to end my day…
@Lisa Good lord. I hate some people!
@laurie – just when you think you met them all another one comes up and “craps” on the wall (blaaahhhh).
I’m dying over here. This post deserves an award. What other questions has Gallup missed?
A few more thoughts on poop…
1) I used to work with a guy who pooped on a regular schedule at work. I knew his poop schedule better than anyone, so when someone would say “Where’s Larry (name changed to protect the innocent)?” I’d check the clock and say, “Dude, it’s time for the 3:10 trip!” I love a man on a schedule.
2) This guy also tucked a magazine/book under his arm before going to the bathroom and for some reason that totally grossed me out. I’m not a germaphobe, but I know that book had to touch the floor at some point during the excursion and anything that touches the bathroom floor is dead to me. (There’s a great How I Met Your Mother episode on this topic).
3) Same dude also used to chat on the phone while pooping. While I was in the women’s restroom, I could hear him talking to my candidates. I always wondered why no one ever questioned why there were toilets flushing in the bathroom. If I were that candidate, I would never call back.
4) Finally, Laurie, Ask a Manager, and Fan…while lack of wet wipes will not kill someone as Laurie stated, it certainly could cause pink eye for those with less than stellar hand washing skills. Ever seen Knocked Up? It’s basically a tutorial for sharing pink eye!
I’m done…continue…
4
Honestly, M’AAM Fan, if you are getting poop on your hands while wiping with toilet paper, you are, like, doing it wrong. For real. Because the rest of us are using toilet paper, and are not walking around with poopyhands.
And the thing is, telling your employer that you are an incompetent ass-wiper is probably career-limiting in this economy. Employers want people who are good at poop removal. It’s a core competency at many, many companies.
I’m not willing to try it, but I bet if you checked YouTube, you could find some sort of tutorial on effective asswipery. Every other damn thing is on there, so why not that?
Also, they make this fabulous stuff – it’s called warm soapy water – and it will totally get whatever you need to remove from your hands all nice and clean. And you ought to be using it every single time you’re in the bathroom (you know, in some places they call it a WASH room, if you need more clues) so the whole wet-wipe thing is a non-issue.
@Kerry – Videojug.com. Five minute tutorials (tootorials, ha) on everything under the sun. If I wasn’t running out the door, I’d be tempted to see if they had instruction on this very thing.
As to the whole issue – I hate doing it in public unless absolutely necessary.
The worst thing about the latest company downsizings? Thin toilet paper.
My sides are splitting reading this. Thank you!
@Kerry : all very salient points. Thanks!
Actually, poopy hands can kill you. Isn’t that how cholera is spread? And giardia? E coli? OK, giardia doesn’t necessarily kill you, but it will give you very inconvenient diarrhea, like while you are in the middle of a meeting with the head of the Paraguayan Forestry Commission, as happened to a friend of mine. And they don’t have the money for toilet paper there. Yes, that is a true story.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who are pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee,do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough
is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
mmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This per son could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to
relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
My favourite poop ever was when I covered a call-centre shift on Christmas day for triple-time plus time-off-in-lieu. I took my own sweet time and that poop paid a full hour’s wages and 20 minutes off during the summer.
The day was so quiet we also played Monopoly (to the bitter end) and poker. Ah, halcyon days…
I tend to listen to nature, I do admit that I’d never poop on my lunch break.
Now that I think of it, though, I wonder if my last company planned for this. The bathroom (one stall, so in theory, ideal for dropping a deuce) was in the lobby, right next to the reception desk. So if you didn’t get enough fiber that day or you needed an extra flush to get the job done, everyone in the lobby would totally know you were pooping. I can’t think of any reason this would be a good idea, except to keep job-poopers in check.
Er, that should have been “I tend to listen to nature, *but* I do admit that I’d never poop on my lunch break.”
I love this post because I actually went to the women’s bathroom and someone had left a big ole poop on the seat. The whole poop. Right there. I wasn’t quite sure what to do, being so grossed out. So I asked my boss at the time (who was the HR Director) for the building’s housekeeping number (it was a shared bathroom on). She asked why. I had to tell her.
We couldn’t look at anyone straight in the office for days.
The Gallup is a bunch of poop at my office! My company puts a lot more effort in to getting us to take the survey than they put in to doing anything with the results to improve the situation! Moral is in the toilet!
@Chelli Morale is in the toilet, LOL? That’s funny!
@HR Anon Oh boy, that’s horrible for you and hosuekeeping. People who defecate in public places are weird, yo.
@Meg The lobby/poop/time management theory is interesting. I bet you’re right about the intentional placement of the loo.
@Shackleford I saw your poop chart and it’s really interesting. By interesting, I mean gross. Who knew that Bristol Palin was involved in science? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale
@Linda Thanks for the contribution, yo!
@Class “Employment in a Time of Cholera.” I might write that book.
@NB Thanks.
@Jesse I’m with you. Your job is in jeopardy when toilet paper quality goes down. Be suspicious.
@SM Is pooping at work the same thing as pooping in public? Not sure on that one.
@KellyO Brilliant. You should teach a short course in handwashing.
@Kerry Good lord, I’m with you. POOPING: UR DOING IT WRONG.
@icepick
From years of food service I can assure you that in your average restaurant/bar (yes, even the classy ones), the women’s room is always more disgusting than the men’s. Why is it my fellow chicks lose their minds and manners when in a bathroom not their own?
@laurie
This post is made of win.
@Mouse Aw shucks, thanks!
Cholera?? Pink-eye??? Hasn’t our friend salmonella been in the news lately? Do you think that comes from peanuts? How about pathogenic E-coli, taking out burger eaters faster than saturated fat. If you want to get obscure, go for shigella, rotavirus, or (ta-da!) polio. The oral-fecal route of disease transmission is tried and true.
@BlueFlame You are totally right, of course. Let me say this:
1. The Oral-Fecal Route is the name of my next imaginary album.
2. I thought Al Qaeda gave us the salmonellas (as my grandmother might say). Or was it the liberal, commie, homo-loving Democrats?
3. It’s probably bad that I kiss my cats on the lips, huh?
Finally, one of my favorite topics is no longer taboo!
I read a hysterical article once about what kind of ‘pooper’ you are…there is the shy pooper, the gal that peeks under stalls for feet, erupts into coughs to mask the sound of plopping, and then blazes out of the bathroom so that no one can see the shame on her face….then there is the blatant, ‘i’m pooping right now, people,’ person who announces their bathroom respite to all within earshot, tucks a thick newspaper under their arm, and strolls into the bathroom with the intent of making the biggest and loudest debacle that stall has ever seen…
I’m the first sort of person, but I’ve gotten bolder over the years. Instead of coughing, I’ve got various applications on my iPhone to disguise any suspicious sounds. Plus I just feel cool, sitting there on the pot, beeping around on my very cool smartphone.
@Vanessa You’re like the 30th person to tell me that they use their iPhone while pooping. It’s pretty common, I guess. I’m the get in/get out kind of woman. I don’t linger and check the stock ticker while I’m doing my business.
@Laurie Cat-kissing would mostly be related to toxoplasmosis, which is a big deal in pregnancy (causes birth defects). So I’d say be wary of the combination of cat-kissing and potential pregnancy. The good news is that it’s also an excuse to avoid litter box duty.
Regarding iPhones, is there something about the brand that has a laxative effect?
This is a very important factor to look at when evaluating employee’s happiness at work. I definitely poop at work when I have to, also because I enjoy pooping in public bathrooms (makes mine easier to keep clean). The imagery is also symbolic.. pooping on the company dime and the company in a way.
And I waste time at work, but only because I now hate my job. If I was happy here I wouldn’t spend time online reading strange news or talking on g-chat. I only do this because the people in my office that ARE happy here but spend 3-4 hours a day talking about their personal lives, American Idol (which I dislike) or making personal calls, well they annoy the poop outta me; mostly because they get paid more to do nothing while I was always busting my ass before they were hired.
@blueflame I think it’s generational. Kids need to be distracted at all times — an iPhone is an essential distraction when pooping.
@Jill I’m with you. I don’t smoke, I don’t talk about American Idol, but I do like to chat online — especially with super-fast internet connections. You make me miss Corporate America.
http://www.poofdrops.com/
Anyone ever heard of this? Or used this product!? It ought to be in every office bathroom!
This is something I am an expert on, I’ve been working at poop plants since the early ’80s. The way I look at it, my job is depression proof, people gotta go and someone has to be at the end of the pipe.
As you can expect, poop-talk is de rigueur (sp?) around here, and pooping on the job is common. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend http://www.poopreport.com . BTW, That’s where Linda’s post came from, just reordered (not that I’m accusing her of plagiarism, someone probably sent it to her via email.) When I sit down to a nice session of reading poopreport.com wife.gov will hear me cackling, look in the computer room and see what’s on the screen, just shake her head and leave me to my tears of laughter.
I do it at work, but I work at home, so which category does that put me in?
I admit to pooping on the clock, only when nature calls. However I am guilty of testing for ovulation (peeing on a stick) for a week each month at work. But I swear, that’s all I do in the bathroom at work.
I can raise that poop with a douche. I never douched at work myself, but had an HR co-worker who did it. Regularly. And often. I could never stand the smell of those vinegar potato chips after that…
Actually, Gallup would ask:
At work, I get to poop how I poop best every day
[and Marcus Buckingham is, we believe, thinking of a new book 'Go, Poop Your Strengths to Work']
BC
@BC I think Gallup might also ask, “Do you have a best friend who poops with you at work?”
for the record i poop at work because it keeps my home bathroom cleaner and holding it in is too problematic. ever have to poop at 10 am and try to wait till 5? PLUS the commute home …no thank you i’ll poop here.
@linda-sides splitting eyes tearing up! fyi – i’m the receptionist and the last two callers must have thought i was severly deranged. i could barley speak!
@ MA’AM Step 1 poop 2 gaather enough toilet paper to cover any possible hand space 3 wipe (front to back of course) 4 fix clothing and leave the stall
here you should find a set up of wide bowls with knobs or buttons these things are called sinks and are usually accompanied by soap dispensers. wet hands pump soap, rub hands together for at least 30 seconds rinse Repeat if necessary. (though you probably didn’t follow the original steps correctly if you must repeat)