When someone comes to HR with a sexual harassment issue, it’s usually not sexual harassment. Most people who are sexually harassed are afraid to report it.
As a Human Resources professional, the issues that landed on my desk were a mix of inappropriate and mediocre behaviors, hurt feelings, and workplace bullying. At the core? Poor communication and immature behavior.
When HR gets involved, it’s too late to end well for anyone.
Your organization has an obligation to protect you from violence and bullying. Your organization doesn’t have an obligation to solve your relationship issues. If you decide to sleep with a colleague and it ends badly, you are expected you to clean up your own mess. I’ll listen to your story and empathize, but I won’t tell your co-worker that you’re no longer interested in hooking up with her.
You have the tough conversation. I’ll go get some coffee.
I have all kinds of stories that I’m not allowed to tell. Most of them would make your eyes roll and your head snap. You would slap your forehead. Here are some vague stories. I’ll weigh in with my HR thoughts. You do the same.
- Two colleagues engage in consensual sex. One colleague wants to end it. The other doesn’t. There are no implicit or explicit threats, but work is stressful because the brokenhearted colleague won’t let it go. Most relationships end because one person wants out. It’s rarely mutual. It will make you sad. I know it feels like a kick in the gut. That’s adulthood. Grow the hell up. I know your feelings are hurt, but you cannot impact the productivity of the office. Also, you’re paid to work. Get it together, bub.
- Two colleagues are dating one another. A coworker finds out and reports it to Human Resources. Hey, I’m glad they are dating. They are nice people. They deserve happiness. Mind your own business and get back to work.
- Two colleagues are caught having sex at the office. When I dream of some of the most romantic places on the planet, I dream of Bali or Fiji. You dream of the supply closet? Lame. You deserve to be fired for your lack of imagination.
- Two colleagues go on business trips and have sex. A coworker finds out and reports it to Human Resources. What am I? The relationship police? If the travel is legitimate, I can’t do anything about it. Also, how do you know they had sex? Were you there? Go back to work and focus on your own job.
- A salesperson and a client are having consensual sex. A coworker finds out and reports it to Human Resources. Don’t you watch Mad Men? This is sketchy and against the rules, but it happens. I trust the judgment of my staff and my employees. They know the rules. If the situation gets ugly, we’ll deal with it. I am not going to listen to you complain about your lack of sales and accuse your coworkers of sleeping with clients. Furthermore, I’m not about to put a chastity belt on members of my sales department.
- A boss and an employee have an inappropriate relationship Everyone knows. Even if no one knows, it’s wrong. Wrong. #WRONG. Just wrong. If you are in a position of power, you are not allowed to sleep with your staff. Ever. It’s not fair, healthy, and normal. The relationships might seem okay to you, but it’s not fair to your other employees. When you have power over someone, you cannot have sex with that person. Period.
Those are the situations that come to mind. What have I missed? What did I get wrong?
I always wonder how people are productive at work when they’re focused on sex, relationships, and personal drama. Get to work, chumps. We are in a recession, and work is exactly what you need to help heal a broken heart.
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You missed an HR professional having a relationship with an employee. *sigh*
and this, too…
What about an HR professional having sex with another HR professional?
Chris, HR people have sex? They could end up getting an SPHR STD.
Too funny!
Hey, I married the guy. Shut up.
I know you did. tsk tsk
Of my casual relationships, the ones that involved me dating a co-worker worked out the best. I wouldn’t go for a serious relationship there but for acquaintances with benes, I definitely preferred to go with co-workers for that sort of thing. No problems with any sort of juggling at all. But then I’ve worked with and for my best friend several times with brilliant results so I guess I’m an odd duck all around on the “personal relationships with co-workers” score.
No, it makes sense. Common interests, common goals, shared community. Work is a great place to find someone.
Mid-level male manager brought candy bars to work and gave one to everyone in the office. “Jane” was not at her desk when he dropped one off for her. Later in the day he passed her desk and asked her if she enjoyed the candy bar. She complained this made her uncomfortable and was sexual harassment.
OK, you can’t read tone so I will tell you: this guy was a dweeb. There is no way he had the capacity to be suggestive in any way. This was ludicrous. It also led to some stupid policy about not giving out candy at work.
God I hate HR.
What kind of candy was it? Don’t tell me it was a Charms Blow Pop.
No candy at work??? Whaaaaa? Time to look for a new job…
That’s what happens when you look for Mr. Goodbar.
HR people think alike! The type of candy bar was documented in the “investigation.” It was a Snickers.
What about two married – not to each other – co-workers? My company has fired people for that one because it was “conduct unbecoming of an employee of this company”
Growing up in the military, there are all kinds of rules and ways to get fired that have to do with sexual behaviors (“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” is the most famous, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg).
Of course, few jobs in the civilian sector are as “24/7″ as life in the armed forces truly is. But still. I knew when I was five that I would not be following my Dad’s footsteps in the Navy Recruitment Office.
Stupid Navy.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
I have had a couple of occasions where people complained about sexual harassment and after investigation it turned out sex or gender had nothing to do with it, the complainee just didn’t know what to call it. In addition to training supervisors about it, maybe employees need to be trained better on what is sexual harassment and what isn’t. Not that any perceived behavior like that is acceptable but it definitely puts it on a different playing field if you call it by the right name.
Is it sexual harassment when my colleague — who does a better job and looks prettier than me — always gets to go to lunch with the boss?
Yeah, you’re so harassed.
hm…… maybe California has the right idea for a change requiring employees and supervisors to go through manadatory sexual harrassment training.
Ugh.
L,
I would love to kiss and tell, but I can’t…when I leave my current company, retire or get drunk I will share some doozy’s with you and readership. Till then I will sit back and reval in everyone elses tales of wowww…You should have a can you top this contest…winner gets free sexual harrassment training from a law firm of their choosing!
M
I might win this one. Stupid NDAs.
Outside of the supervisor/direct report scenario, I don’t care what people do of a consensual nature, provided they’re not doing it in company vehicles at the Park & Ride on their lunch hour. That’s just gross.
I think they’re losers if they go boink in the Park & Ride, but if it’s their own shaggin’ wagon, that’s none of my business since I can’t prove business impact. I aint the morality police. If it causes disruption in the workplace, then that probably calls for a bit of a smackdown meeting.
I think HR sleeping with an employee is WRONG, only because I work for a small company where everybody knows all your business and it would cause problems unless you really can be completely discreet. But with a larger company, so what? As long as the workplace remains professional.
The park & ride is so dirty. Do it at a motel, people.
I slept with my husband before he was my husband but I was just a dumb recruiter and we worked at a big company. And I kept it professional. Sorta. I did instant message him during lunch. Oooooooooohhhhh… scandalous behavior. Call the relationship police.
What about the HR manager having an affair with another manger…both are married…YIKES
Hm. Messy.
I don’t think the married piece is relevant to the discussion. The HR Manager however is putting themselves in a position where their judgment is in question and that is never a good thing.
Agreed. Married people can do what they want. How is this an HR issue? It’s a spouse issue.
Just this week we had a case were the married Night Shift Manager (female) was having an affair with the married male Machine Operator who worked in her area. The wife of the machine operator also worked for the company, but was transfered by the Supervisor to another area. The wife was under the assumption that the night shift supervisor was her friend because she and her husband was getting special treatment. When the wife discovered what was happening right under her nose (and unbeknownst to us), she beat the Supervisor in front of the entire facility. We ended up losing all three employees who stated that they did not want to file complaints but also did not want to return to work… all in a days work for an HR professional.
Fucking drama. Why can’t people keep their personal shit private? Also, PS, I feel badly for you. That’s a stupid situation for HR to witness. All you can do is shrug your shoulders and sigh.
I’m all for romance- it juices life up- as long as nobody’s rights are stepped on along the way. #6 was the whole problem with Bill Clinton. Had it been Newt’s intern, it would have been OK with the establishment.
But as Woody sez, the heart knows what it wants……being an adult means not having too much fun. Everyone is a little different about walking the line….
I like romance. Everyone else’s romance just grosses me out.
@Latina HR: Sometimes, nothing there’s like a beatdown to clear the air, eh? Nice of the employees to provide closure by leaving.
A while back, myself, another employee, and a female employee, would crack jokes all the time– and some were of the “risque” variety— and she didn’t seem to have a problem with it. Out of the blue– she complains of sexual harrassment and we were written up– even though nothing was directed at her at all. Shouldn’t there be a “degree” of “sexual” harrassment— like 2nd degree harrassment or misdemeanor harrassment (not necessarily sexual at all— cause this girl ain’t no Selma Hayek!!)?? It all seems to unfairly fall under one big umbrella—-
Hm. Maybe she was joking around because she felt like she had to do it in order to fit in… or whatever… maybe she sucks. I dunno. Too bad.
Oh noes, this is SO wrong. “I wasn’t hitting on her because she was ugly”? REALLY?! I was inclined to believe that this was her mistake until I read that part.
I think we have all been part of workplace environments that are unpleasant because of offensive or inappropriate jokes/comments being part of the normal wallpaper of the place. It’s not always sexual or harassment but it can really suck to feel like you have to fit in with assholes. Depending on the person and what has gone on in their past, this could be really stressful for them.
Too bad your coworker couldn’t talk to you and the other employee before filing a complaint, but then again would you have actually cared what she thought? A lot of people, and I don’t think you have to be a “bad person” to have this reaction, would just go “oh, she’s too sensitive” and actually ramp up the joking.
Every organization struggles with the question of conflicting relationships but the fact is that they happen. We spend more time with the people at work than the people at home so why would we expect no one to ever seek romance with someone they know so well? As we approached a major project we decided to put everyone in a “war room” to complete the project. I warned that if you put that many adults in one room for that much time bad things will happen. Two employees found out about divorce and two already divorced people found true love. These folks weren’t the problem; it was everyone else that wanted the Company to judge these people for the adultery which is none of my business. I agree Laurie, they all need to get back to work.
Nothing good comes from a war room.
Laurie – funny and great advice – you should write a book
I’ve decided it’s too much work and the lawyers will come and find me. You know that!
Those are all classics! I’ve had to deal with 1, 2 and 6 throughout the years, always a pleasure to get those issues brought to my attention. They make my head hurt.
Me, too!
I have gathered 10 years of stories from my lost decade in the temporary staffing service business – it’s called “The Smartest Kid on the Short Bus.” There is a whole chapter on innappropriate sexual behavior on assignments:
* Two production line employees working in an un-air-conditioned production facility in Atlanta, GA, doing what their supervisor called the “Hibbidy Jibbidy” in their car. Factoring in their walking commute from the production line to the car and their anticipated return trip, that only leaves five minutes of hibbidy jibbidy. In a hot car. Between two people who already smelled pretty bad. Directly in front of the smoking pavillion where two dozen of their co-workers had gathered to cheer them on. They actually waited for me to show up to fire them. Did they think it would have ended any other way? And how do you instigate that? Couldn’t you at least wait until your lunch break?
* Two temporary employees conducting a buddy audit 20 feet off of the ground in a warehouse in Kentucky. The male exposed his genitals to the female. She complained. When investigating he admitted that he did it. I asked him why and he told me that she had been trying to hook him up with her friend. He didn’t like the friend… he liked the lady in the cherry picker and whipping it out was his way of showing her.
* Sent temporary employee to work for a lawyer in a small practice. This was in the days of paper files for everything. She was sitting on the floor adding documents to the appropriate file as the attorney reviewed them and handed over the paperwork he needed to retain. After about an hour of this, she reached behind her and he had placed his manhood in her hand. She yanked it. Hard. And ran away from the office. I had to go retrieve her suit jacket and her other personal property. That was an uncomfortable visit.
* Had to fire a temporary employee on a production line in Atlanta for selling oral sex to her co-workers at lunch time.
* On the same production line, had a woman whose sugar daddy bought her a brand new pair of breasts. She was so pleased with them that she complied with multiple request to see or touch them. When firing her, her retort was “oh come on, they’re not even real.”
Okay, how awesome is this that you’re willing to dish?! I’m not. No way. Scared of the lawyers.
I had no NDA with the employer at which these things occurred. That and I’ve passed the statute of limitations, so no one can use my commentary to advance litigation.
Can I comment on how much I love Kentucky courting rituals? Being a Kentucky born and raised, I’ve never felt compelled to show someone my genitals as the heads up I like them. But then I think about my relatives and it all makes sense… Thanks for making my day.
I have worked in situations where the lack of boundaries and discretion in personal relationships created truly hostile or uncomfortable working environments for everyone else. I once got demoted when I complained informally to a coworker about one such situation, who relayed my thoughts to the boss who had slept with several persons in the department. I have worked for a supervisor who was married to the CEO, which led to unfair treatment from both when my underconfident supervisor felt threatened by my confidence.
I also once got “laid off” when I refused to participate in a Christian based program that the agency was instituting.
There is true harassment in working environments, sometimes clear, sometimes less clear, but still insidious.
I refuse to be a victim, though, so I move on and I think, human beings are so ridiculous. Being self employed now kinda means I am the only one who can harass me now.
I’m with you on inappropriate workplaces. I was in your shoes and I kept asking myself, why do I work with such horrible people? That’s when I made a change.
Don’t dip your pen in the Company well.
That’s what they say!
Here’s a good one. Yes it actually happened. HR sends the firm for “diversity” and “respect at work” workshops. Then at the annual holiday party they put on a skit mocking it. Way to send a mixed message kids.
Wow, I was bored at my desk…but this really made me laugh. I guess it is the same everywhere!! But I am with you!!! “GET BACK TO WORK!!!” We pay you well and quit checking your facebook to see if he/she has commented about the relationship!! FACEBOOK!!!! That is another sexual harrassment nightmare! Shall we go there!??!!
ok friggin great stories…the rule is simple : find your mates,FWB’s,dates OUTSIDE of the work circle. Period. if you are stupid enough to risk your job for a little nookie then you are too stupid to work beside me. Your record of employment will state “reason for termination – stupid”
Yeah, #6 sucks big time and never ends well. I always ask parties if it was worth it. It usually isn’t.
Someone I know was in a situation where a subordinate and someone in another department at the company were in a relationship that they did not disclose (and they didn’t have to… policy stated it was only required if one was the other’s manager). One of the parties involved quit and got another job, and at that point they revealed that they were together and actually engaged. HR started pressuring my acquaintance (apparently under heat from upper management) to get the subordinate to officially/in writing disclose the relationship, even though it was not against policy to start with and at the time of the conversation it most certainly was not, since the other party didn’t even work for the company anymore. I have no idea what the purpose was supposed to be other than to “punish” the remaining employee for having secrets, though a paranoid person would wonder if management hoped to use the written statement for some nefarious purpose later on.
I really thought HR should have told upper management to cool it instead of passing on the request, since there was no way they could or should actually hope to compel the employee to comply with it. This sounded to me like a lawsuit waiting to happen, even though I doubt the couple would actually have sued.