Sarah and I are still developing the Clueless@Love strategery. There’s no shortage of controversy around the site, including the fact that someone referenced Abner Louima and called me faux-punk.
I just weep for people.
Until we get Clueless@Love up & running, here’s a question from a reader.
I hope you can help, I am seeking advice a few levels – one HR lady to another….
I am an HR professional. I have always been really careful about personal relationships with co-workers (friendships, romantic relationships etc…), however recently there is someone at work that has caught my eye.
I have been friendly, said hi etc…maybe stared a little longer than normal so that he knew I was interested in more conversation keeping things very professional — but with no results/response. I normally am not very assertive when it comes to romantic relationships AND I have no experience with them in a work setting so I am in need of some serious advice!
My initial thought is to let it go and do nothing, but I do not want to miss an opportunity to possibly get to know him. I would really would like to let him know that I am interested but I am not sure what or how to do this. Any advice?
I married a former co-worker. There’s all kinds of risk, you have to use common sense, and many people will tell you it’s a bad idea. Forget about those people, though. They all have spouses & ex-wives & kids & cranky attitudes.
- Ask this man to lunch.
At worst, he will say no. If you are lucky, he will say yes.
I like to think that it’s okay for HR people to have friends at work. You can ask him out to lunch and get to know him. Keep the conversation light and airy. If it’s clear that he isn’t into you, don’t take it personally. He might be scared of your HR role. If it becomes something more than just lunch, that’s great. Invite me to the wedding.
Good luck!
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
This is a tough issue. Romance at work ends one of two ways: you get married or your work environment is ruined until one of you leaves the company. This is something to think very carefully about. It’s kind of like drugs. You can dabble in drugs and it might not hurt you terribly, but it’s just as likely to really mess up your life.
Responding to Jason’s comment, it’s only likely to really mess up your life if you’re not mature about break-ups. I’ve dated people at work in previous jobs, and the break-ups weren’t the end of the world. If you’re someone who has nasty, hostile break-ups, then yeah, it’s a risk. But if you’re someone who has a track record of civil break-ups, it’s not that big of a deal. (Of course, you could discover too late the the other person can’t handle break-ups maturely, but that’s their problem.)
But I’d say the likelihood of it messing up your life is directly correlated to how mature/reasonable/civil you are. (Just like drugs!)
Yes. Drop your handkerchief and let him do the rest. If he is interested, he will pursue. If he is not, he won’t. Or he might be interested, but doesn’t have the backbone to pursue you and really, are you interested in a lifetime with a timid man who won’t take a risk?
When men really want something, they go after it.
I will give you the same advice an ex boyfriend of mine gave me the other day (we are still friends):
“Just walk up to him and say, ‘let’s cut the BS and get it on.’”
Now if that isn’t solid gold advice, I don’t know what is!
Don’t do it! You work in HR, so unless you want your trust and credibility eroded by the fact that everyone in the company knows who you are sleeping with I would go look somewhere else. Don’t we always say we have to choose our workplace frienda very carefully in HR? So why should this be any different? Unless it’s true love of course in which case you can turn it into a movie and get Sandra Bullock to play you.
Don’t get your honey where you get your money, NZ?
Don’t shit on your own doorstep as we say in this part of the world.
Lunch is a good place for an exploration – you’ll know one way or the other before you get mid-way, I’m betting.
I asked someone out at work once. Word of this made its way back to the corp. HR group and I was coached not to go forth with the date do to the “concern” over a misunderstanding.
We went out later after she quit. We had fun. We were just friends.
It was no big deal to us. It was a big deal inside the company.
HR has a different, somewhat unfair and unreal standard.
@Jason Depends on the drug.
@Allison No — I’m pretty sure it’s my job’s fault when I make bad decisions at work.
@Classfactotum Or you can just trade yourself for a goat. That works, too.
@Jenn Like a Southwest commercial. “It’s on.”
@NZ Good lord, really, we can be women and have jobs in HR and date. Right? Right? Don’t make me pick my love life over my job.
@Marsha And who doesn’t like lunch, right?
@Michael I know, it’s true. Thank you for reminding us of that dumb standard.
Yes it’s true! Romance should not happen in work place as it will be very uncomfortable for both of you but if you are in a serious relationship then you can drop your romance and love outside the office.
Echoing everyone else, it’s totally an issue of maturity. So if you feel you are mature enough to date someone at your company, then do it, I can promise you that the world will not end if you do.
I met my husband at work. Broke all of the rules. I wasn’t in HR yet, but he was a manager. We were both single and I ended up quitting. Look at the positive side: Despite the outcome, you will be much better at conversations about this workplace issue once you have been through it personally.
In my experience– if you’re questioning whether he likes you or not? …he probably isn’t that into you. Quit thinking about it– you’ll drive yourself crazy.
Also– if you’re in HR and thinking about an inside relationship– your company’s probably pretty lenient towards that sort of thing– some company’s frown on internal relationships though. Good Luck!!
I totally agree it’s an issue of maturity … But I also feel like maturity can easily go out the window if things end badly. (Speaking of my own past, anyway.)
@mad Oh snap, me too. I’m such a baby about break-ups.
@mattymat dood i met my husband at work. i was too busy to date.
@bonita rawr. rule breaker.
@puf It’s all about maturity and getting a clue.
@sophia If I’m not loving someone at work, I’m bored with my job.
Help him find a new job through your talented career development skills. Then and only then…date him.
Allison
If you’re treating everyone with respect and dignity in the workplace and making business decisions on business needs, then sex and/or relationships in the workplace shouldn’t matter.
It all comes down to knowing yourself and your company culture. If you and the company can handle it, go for it. If there is mutual interest, make sure he can handle it as well…