My background in Human Resources warns against revealing too much about myself, yet my blog demands that I tell you about my thoughts & opinions in excruciating detail. When I look through my old posts, I find myself painting a picture of my life that is both totally accurate and wildly false.
It’s a caricature, dudes. I have one persona on the blog, but I have a slightly different personality (& voice) in real life. It’s probably what you do at work, too. People think they know you, but they really only know two things:
- What you reveal about yourself in measured decisions.
- What you inadvertently reveal about yourself in those moments when you let your guard down.
I would argue that your relationships at work are situational, and many work-friendships are built on convenience and proximity. People assume false intimacy — as if the relationships you have with your colleagues and associates are strong enough to sustain the pressure of the real world.
I feel the same way about blogging: I meet so many wonderful people on the internet, and I have great conversations, but the relationship between blogger and reader — much like the relationship between coworkers — is situational and somewhat passive-aggressive.
- How many of you felt like you knew someone at work who turned around, assumed too much about you, and made a racist joke?
- How many of you meet a great person at work and then discover that he’s really just a narcissistic asshole?
Work offers an opportunity to make connections, but those connections are based on your paycheck and your ability to succeed and meet your work-related goals. The pretense of any
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This is super. & super accurate.
Having just left my job in one state & moved to another, what I had been prepared for (after past experience) had come true: losing 99.9% of the “friends” I had made in the office.
I do have a handful of wonderful friends who I’ve met at various jobs in the past, but a handful isn’t much after 14 years in the workaday world. I’ve also gotten in trouble (with myself) for divulging too much personal info. Each time I start a new job, I remind myself to go slow.
So yes. Go slow. (& since I’m currently job hunting, thank YOU for reminding of how I need to go gently into whatever new job I find … knockwood.)
On the working relationship, it’s very complicated that you don’t give too much information about yourself. It depends on the chemistry. There’s one I’m still very close and the other, while the other is distant, I’m still respected.
The social media networks have done wonders for me. I do show my professional side and giving tips. As well, it shows the real me of what I think and what I like and if people accept that, cool, but if not, fine. Also, I’m very open because I want people to know a little more about me and what makes me tick and if they ever meet me, they know somewhat to expect.
If you met me face-to-face, I’m a shy guy, but really like meeting a lot of people. The only reason is I don’t know who the real you is and don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.
In other words, you are correct that there are many different perosnalities: The internet you, the working you, the real you. But at least all are the real you. It’s a delicate balance and it’s own instincts to decide which one is friend, foe, or just a random person on the street you passed by.
Did someone tick you off recently? The bad thing about blogging opinions- like political ones is that you are opening yourself up to the comments from the other side. I avoided blogging my political opinions on my own blog, but have gone way too far about the topic in Twitter. I constantly struggle to keep “myself” out of my blog and yet it’s necessary too. Twitter is another story. My brother is on there, and because we’re siblings we try to get under each other’s skin and debate everything…including politics. Because it’s Twitter and tweets are limited to 140 characters, it’s hard to convery sarcasm…which I do 100% of the time. Many a tweet has gone very wrong because the sarcasm was missed. Imagine someone actually believing that Steven Colbert is the same as his on screen persona. That’s like me on Twiter.
Our blogs create a persona…and unless people know you in person the persona is reality for readers. Such a fine line to walk….
@Gemellen You know, the internet is so fantastic and brings people together — but it’s an introduction, and you still need chemistry and compatibility to make it work. That’s why we are in love, yo.
@Tracy I love this comment: all are the real you. That’s so insightful because all aspects of me (and you) are real. I think context and balance are so important.
@Breanne No, dude, this is more of a philosophical post in light of some challenges I’ve been facing on the blog and the dissonance between my voice on the internet and my real voice as a person. I feel a conflict between the masculine/feminine. It’s very Jungian, s
For me, friendship has such a high meaning (and resulting high standards) that most everyone else falls across the continuum of “acquaintance”. Some are friendly, some hostile, some helpful, some destructive. But all are interesting and I never lament having spent time to get to know others. I am absolutely fascinated by people and the blogs, twitters, etc., make life that much more intriguing.
But whatever you do see of me is, in fact, me. I’m not an actor and am not known to hold back my opinion. But I do understand the temptation of quasi-anonymity to “try out” personalities and give them a public spin. I also appreciate the reticence to put oneself out there for the masses to poke and prod. Great post Laurie (or whoever you are)!
In this time of less formal relationships, where people routinely pour every bit of their lives, including the most trivial of their thoughts, onto their Facebook pages, it’s indeed easy to assume you know someone. But only the very young or inexperienced in relationships should be making that mistake.
Your advice to go slowly in establishing a relationship is perfect. Every friendship I have is a lifelong friendship, and I can count them on two hands. I have many professional associations I value. Some may turn into friendships, but not without work on both sides.
Facts don’t make us friends – feelings do. And if there is no real exchange of feelings (i.e., I know you only from your writing or your work on stage or screen) then there is only the possibility of friendship, and I cannot ever claim to really know you at all.
Nice post. Very introspective.
I agree. My persona online or at work is me, but not all of me. I’m pretty open about my feelings (never been one able to hide my emotions) but at the same time it is still edited and restrained. And I think that’s a good thing. Great post!
Maybe the blog is who you want to be and the person at work is the one you have to beeee. At least that’s how I feel. I have to be “on” all the time. I have to coddle the executive committee. I have to play nice with anything that could hit the media, and if it does I have to contain it…
I don’t have to do anything like that when I blog. I get to be who I would like to be or maybe who am when I am not being the conscious (did I spell that right?) of my corporation. No pretentiousness…
Blogging reduces stress! Reading your blog reduces stress too!
go slowly, look for cues that your friendship is truly wanted and appreciated, and don
Does this mean we aren’t BFFs????
@Mark friendship has such a high meaning (and resulting high standards) that most everyone else falls across the continuum of
@Tanya I learned this the hard way. Life is full of tough lessons, isn’t it?
Well said. I dig your combination of expertise, authenticity and awesomeness.
Good post, great commentary.
Another distinction: people can like or dislike what you do or say, and that really has very little to do with whether or not they like you. You personally.
The weird (or in my case, repeatedly, stalkingly hostile) comments that we leave ourselves open to by blogging, by standing on our soapboxes in our little corner of the world eventually drove me out of blogging. I couldn’t get that a couple few of the commenter on my blog weren’t going to band together and come harm me, personally, or my family. In retrospect, they were just avatars taking swipes at what they saw as another avatar – I’m sure they were perfectly nice in real life, just didn’t like what I had to say, and were trying to establish themselves as counterpoints to what I was saying.
In HR, I’ve often had to make this same distinction – people mostly react to our roles, not to us personally, and often try to establish themselves as counterpoints to our roles. If you go have a beer with them and talk about their families, they really are perfectly nice people and they have room to know you personally, and react to you as a person rather than you as a role.
I take everyone I interact with — whether it’s on a blog or in real life — at face value. I always expect the best of a person. It’s not until a person proves me wrong do I assume otherwise. So what you see on my blog, my comments on other’s blogs or just plain old fashioned face-to-face interactions is what you get. It’s like the advice I give people before they go on a job interview, “Just be you.” If you don’t get the job, it was probably the best interest of both parties.
I will say that when I blog, I write with my heart, when more often I should write with my head. This can make one a good writer, but it also makes you vulnerable to very personal attacks and judgment. Hence, my whole semi-anonymous thing.
Fine, I’ll back off. You could have just told me through email
Because I’m such an open person I find it hard to hold back at work. It’s something my mother is always yelling at me about. However, if you don’t share then other people won’t share and you’ll just end up…working (who wants that?).
Online I’m much more aware of what I’m saying and doing. While I think my personality is the same I am a little more careful about releasing personal information because there’s a paper trail and you never know who is reading.
@Amanda Thanks!
@FrannyO I think you’re right about people reacting to roles. It reminds me of the times when I would see my high school teachers at the mall. YOU SHOP AT THE MALL? They would look at me like I was an idiot. Now I think, those poor teachers, they had to see students at the mall. They can’t go anywhere in peace.
@Bryan I like to take things at face value, but one person’s face value is another person’s stalker. Is there really one absolute face value?
@RachL Oh no, dood, we’re still hanging out when I’m in Buffalo over Christmas. This is mandatory.
Super post Laurie!
Don’ t de Zorg, Gelukkig is. U kon levend op een kanaalschip!
Free translation available here
http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_txt
@Lisa Thank you. That’s so nice.
@Michael I’ll translate when I get home and have better wireless access. I’m going to miss the Dutch Reformed.
Perception is 9/10ths of the law
BUT
Don’t be too hard on yourself when d-bags have the decidedly *wrong* perception & step over the line.
@Jenn ur so awesome it hurts. yes i am stalking you.