Here are a few more Punk Rock HR secrets that your shoddy & broken-down company doesn’t want you to know.
- You will almost always receive the lowest possible job offer.
- At your level, Fortune 500 companies will make one offer and will not negotiate.
- Companies bet on the fact that you will confuse recognition with reward.
- The benefits aren
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Companies don’t really CARE about people – you aren’t talent, or the greatest resource, or great asset; rather, you are an FTE that can be refilled, reallocated and/or reassigned.
Despite what Bob Seger sings, you really are ‘just a number.’
“Your MBA doesn
- Engagement is a myth.
- Your value as an employee does not increase in direct proportion to the amount of meetings you attend.
- The job title and what the company tells you the job is going to be is not necessarily in direct proportion to what you will actually be doing. (And we really aren’t hiring you to improve anything here, we really want you to come in, do what you’re told, and do them the way we’ve always done them.)
-Your boss is probably a jerk and we probably already know this.
All the best!
deb
if you think your company will miss you when you’re gone, think again.
I disagree on two of the bullet points.
1. I have personally negotiated a rewards offer with a Fortune 500 company. I asked for stock (not options) on the way in. Of course, they thought options. I corrected them. HR balked. I spoke to the hiring manager and told her “I appreciated her time in considering me, and in the future I hope that we can have another opportunity to create value”. The hiring manager was stunned and asked if she could call me back. I said yes. She called me back and said, “We can’t do stock, but would you take more money?”. Naturally, I said yes.
2. Some people value recognition more than money. Recognition can be a reward. Recognition is a subset of reward.
Just my $0.02,
Alan
Companies are not committed to helping you develop your career growth and enhancing your talents.
Like Smokey the Bear and forest fires, only you can do that
@HR Maven OMG, I don’t trust anything from The Silver Bullet Band.
@Angela Sing it to me, sistah.
@Jimmy E X C E L L E N T
@deb Thanks!
@Maya Totally — don’t let the door hit you in the butt.
@Alan This deserves a post. My HR f500 background on this is solid but there are exceptions. As an HR pro, my team helped a hiring manager make one offer, and we made the ‘best’ one possible. If an employer is willing to negotiate, they either a) have a flawed comp policy, or b) they are cheap and are probably holding other things back from you.
@Michael I wish more people would understand that they are their own bosses. They own their careers.
Laurie, this is a brilliant list. You should sell this one to a magazine…proto…and don’t let anyone steal or reprint this on you. Pitch it now…it’s really, really good.
#8. Trust no one.
@Frank
@Gary Exactly, yo.
Ms Reuttiman – we were disappointed by your complete, utter and audaciously egregious miss of the most simple of facts about the hiring process.
The hiring manager you meet at interview will never ever be seen again, does not exist, never existed and was a function of hallucinatory drugs fed to you via alien abduction 3 days before you attended interview. If you see that physical being again, know that it is a mere cypher, a walking zombie, a cadaver of capricious proportions.
Oh, and it’s highly likely to be promoted based upon the good work you will do in your new role.
Please ensure you don’t miss the obviously obvious in every situation.
[otherwise how the hell else can you bill for selling it back to your clients?]
BC
Bob Seger… “We’ve got tonight, baaaaaabe… Why don’t you stay?”… Sexual harrassment protection…
Discuss.
BC
HR is not looking for reasons to fire you- unless we don’t like you.
HR hates the policies as much as you do- but there’s always one jackass who ruins it for the rest of us.
When your company decided to freeze any raises but promised to “make it up to you” when the economy revived- they lied.
Same thing goes for lowering budgets.
Breanne – please feel free to request a quote for our “Jackass-spot-o-matic” ((r) January 7th, 2009) multivariate analysis framework which will enable you to better identify the policy wonks early.
[hint: they'll almost certainly be in Comp]
BC
@BC Punk Rock HR
“If you are a poor performer and want to leave your company, severance benefits can be negotiated.”
Haha the last company I worked for did this all the time. Of course no one knew because part of the severance agreement was that the individuals would keep it hush hush.
@RachL I totally approve of this. We made a stupid decision hiring you. Our bad. Don’t sue us. Here’s some money and let’s call it even.
I am a little behind in my blog reading, but just have to comment on this.
It drives me crazy when I get an applicant with an MBA and no relevant work experience who demands a high salary. Note the word “demands”.
As for getting or giving the lowest offer possible- I understand it from the perspective of the company’s bottom line, but always make the point that the person is likely to jump ship for an offer of more money. Of course, other benefits can help offset this.
I have also worked with a company or two that pays well above market value to offset a terrible culture and reputation. It amazes me that people stay (in good economic times). For some, money is a motivator.
The one I love is dealing with bonus plans that are discussed and agreed to at the time of hire- and seem realistic. Only after taking the job does the employee realize they are lucky to get 30% of their target. Dealing with that is not fun- on either side of the table.
And- I totally agree with Breanne. HR policies are no fun. If everyone had common sense, a professional attitude and played well with others, we wouldn’t need them (all). But since that isn’t reality, HR policies exist.
-Melina