Some of you know that my mother is sick, but for the rest of you, here are the basic details. I stepped off a plane on Friday the 11th and heard the news that my mother was rushed to the hospital with a condition called acute pancreatitis.
Without telling too much of the story — my Mom is a diabetic who has heart disease and a lipid disorder. She has difficulty managing her diet, and her lifestyle puts stress on her pancreas and other organs. My Mom went into something called hypovolemic shock once the pancreatitis escalated. Her vitals were scary and organs failed. She was intubated and put into a medical coma to ‘rest’ her body.
Dudes, it’s a mess. I would give you an update but it changes frequently. The level of optimism changes, too, based on how the tests and bloodwork and xrays and scans are interpreted by doctors & nurses. Here’s what we know: everyone dies, your body can only take so much, and progress is measured in small steps. Recovery, if it happens, will be a long and winding road.
The good news? A weaker woman would be dead, already. My mom is tough as nails. This is her third bout of the illness and my siblings and I know what to expect (sorta). She might die. She might live for awhile and die from other complications. She might survive, recover, and get hit by a bus in twenty years. Who the hell knows? Everyone dies, and the smart people in our lives advise us to take each day as it comes.
So I’m telling you this story because I hate telling this story. It makes me feel weak, and I worry that everyone will treat me gingerly because my Mom is not well. When someone asks me how my Mom is doing, I have been responding, “She’s hanging in there. What’s new with you?”
Let’s talk about something else. Like Joe Wilson.
But here’s what I know — caring for sick children, parents, and loved ones is such a common experience in our lives. Maybe I would feel better if we had a conversation about the pressure it puts on us as workers, job seekers, and leaders. Here’s what I am doing to cope with my anxiety.
- I am diving into work.
- I have been super-productive knowing that my nervous energy needs to be channeled into something healthy.
- I’ve written business proposals. Completed projects. Held good conversations. Scrubbed litter boxes.
I’ve learned that tragedy can provoke creativity and innovation in my life. I’m keeping an electronic journal, taking notes, and keeping my eyes open. I wonder where this journey will take my family. I also wonder how many bags of potato chips it will take to make my brain feel calm. I think it takes about five bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Now I want to talk about you. Have you worked and cared for a loved one? What has your experience been with FMLA or protected leave? Were you able to work and be an effective caretaker? How do you manage your time and your stress level?
I would love to hear how people cope during the stressful times, and I want to know how you acknowledge the situation in your lives, thank people for their concerns, and shift the conversation to something else. Honestly, I want to talk about Tom DeLay on Dancing with the Stars. I saw a trailer for the upcoming season premiere and the dude is killing me in his sweatpants. Have you seen it? It’s gold.
[Thanks for all of your support. I really do appreciate it.]
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Hey Laurie- I understand- yes went thru this myself at work in 2005 and my mistake was I did not communicate to anyone but the boss- I should have done the reverse- I should have had a better support system at work, friends and family outside of the boss. There were times I coped well and times I did not- and the boss was not the one to be discussing it with. In my situation the outcome went from bad to worse, and I lost my dad- had to make the decision that no one ever wants to make and the recovery from it takes time. My best advice to anyone reading is to be ok with – forgiveness, and “I love yous”, dont allow or have any regrets and have a great support system- be open to help- and time does help- as the good memories start to replace the sick ones in time.
Hey LLCoolR,
I have nothing really to add other than that your mom is in my thoughts and thank you for sharing this so we all remember to cherish each moment and each day! I will give Danny an extra hug today for your moms.
Laurie–Thank you for such a personal revelation. I wish you, your mother and your family well during this crisis. There–I said it. Can’t help but treat you gingerly for a moment anyway.
Caring for my mother with Alzheimer’s has been one of the toughest and most painful journeys of my life. It has interrupted my work life, and to some degree, precipitated my move toward self employment. Although she is well taken care of in a full care facility, she has had hospitalizations requiring that I be there for her and not work. My former employer took exception to that and forced our separation. Now I am employed part time with an organization that is amazingly tolerant of me, and part time self-employed so that I can manage my schedule on my terms.
My mother’s disease has compelled me towards fulfilling a sense of purpose–making my mark on the world, so to speak. My mother was a woman of many unfulfilled dreams, and now fulfilling them is impossible. I don’t want to be like that.
Although the journey has been tough, it has also been sweet. My mother’s sense of humor is one of the things that has persisted, and I revel in it each day. It keeps me balanced and humble.
As a counselor, I could list off a litany of stress management techniques, but most are unrealistic for the average person, quite honestly. I say be yourself and do what works for you. Rely on the comfort of those who you want it from and just try to take the rest with a sense of humor. Seek the help of a professional that “gets” you if needed. We aren’t that scary–really.
So you want an issue to discuss? My mother went without health insurance for 15 years before she received Medicare. She worked for a small business through a temp agency so could not get benefits. She developed Alzheimer’s at the young age of 66. I cannot help but wonder if the disease would have been mitigated if she had been seeing a doctor regularly all those years.
Someone pulled the plug on my mom a LONG time ago.
My best to you and your mom.
BZ
Last December my gram was hospitalized with kidney failure and CHF and even though I had just driven back from Florida from Thanksgiving five days earlier, I boarded a plane and flew right back to Tampa to spend time with her and facilitate getting her out of the hospital and into hospice care. Those five additional days with her was the best decision I ever made. I work for myself (like you) and all my active clients (that the time off affected) completely understood.
Somewhat related, I lost my mom about three years ago, so if you ever feel like talking about all of this, just let me know.
Laurie: Consider your strength; and that your mother is one of the sources of it. She has what it takes to pull through, and we pray for her recovery. Have faith in yourself. It sounds like you’ve got a good coping plan in place; so what if it seems chaotic? Debbie’s advice is spot-on. Reach out to personal friends and your spouse for support; you’ve been there for them. Now is the time to collect on emotional dividends you’ve been banking all these years.
I’ve cared for a lot, and lost a lot (in spite of my efforts – and the efforts of people who have actually been to med school!). And no, not everyone does it actually, or at least for some people, not until they reach their 40s or 50s and have zero clue until then.
I’ve found that I cannot be a good caretaker and still work (effectively) 40 hours a week. Not for sustained periods. Heck, even when I’m only the 2ndary caretaker or relative, it puts so much stress on the entire friend/family network that everyone feels the stress. For some, it’s more intense. After sustained periods, I’ve seen people just collapse – stupid things start happening – forgetting to pay the house note, a car wreck, mis-matched shoes. Stress sucks! Working out helps. Moving forward passionately with other projects helps. Talking with friends helps.
My boss recently told a co-worker that she needed to plan her sick time better via email (for an orthopedic problem and an emergency “female” problem and something like the flu over the course of 2 weeks). Way to lead!
My boss also told another co-worker who needed to bring her dying sister’s children with her to work for a few hours until they could arrange things – that she(the boss) had “12 layers of babysitters” when her children were small so she never missed work, and suggested that she leave the children, including a 9-month old, with the neighbors(strangers) across the street ‘or something’. Way to lead!
My boss also thinks she needs to know where all of her *exempt* employees are every second of our 40-hr workweek. Way to lead!
Do ya feel the luv???
Crappy bosses suck! I think I’ll print out some of the lovely DOL FMLA and FLSA posters for the office bulletin board!
And btw – Tom DeLay hurt himself on DWTS! (The “Hammer” falls. hahaha). Sorry.
Laurie- I loved that you said your mom is tough as nails, and I know you are too. That said, I know you still need some moments of just being held and told it’s all going to be ok. Whatever the outcome. You know you have all of our love and support if or when you need it. I’m praying for your family.
Ok, enough of that since I know you don’t want to focus energy there. I won’t tell the long story but I can relate. My twins were almost born 15 weeks premature. If they had been, they would not have survived. I went through 10 of the scariest, most painful weeks in the hospital trying to keep them from being born to early. They eventually came 5 weeks early and were in the NICU. During that time, I did everything possible to think about anything else I could. There were many challenges ahead but we pulled through somehow and I’m stronger for it all. They are now healthy 5 year olds. My job was COMPLETELY supportive and never once made me feel guilty or at risk of anything. I was lucky.
Keep the faith- keep busy- and, in weak moments, ask for a good ear to just listen.
XOXO
My experience with FMLA has been mostly as the patient rather than the caregiver (I had a very rough pregnancy with my son). I watched a lot of mindless TV. This is why my daughter knows all the words to the theme song of “America’s Next Top Model,” plus all the dance moves, including the part where Tyra Banks waves the makeup brush at you as if to say, “Naughty Naughty.” It’s both cute and disturbing to watch a four-year-old do that with such aplomb.
My father-in-law struggled with serious mental illness for several years before he died. While we weren’t taking care of him directly (he was institutionalized), it was still hard. We found that just doing the minimum for a while helped…like, you keep your house reasonably clean, but you don’t beat yourself up because you haven’t reorganized the pantry or washed the upstairs windows. You eat dinner every night, but it’s okay if it’s macaroni and cheese instead of something with arugula and a special kind of goat cheese that you had to go to three stores to find.
I’m pointing all my get well vibes in your mom’s direction. Being from Milwaukee, they’ll probably smell like beer and cheese.
Hugs and Starbucks coffee ice cream mentally sent eastward.
That’s actually why we live in Houston now – my mom lives here. She got too sick to take care of herself, and my wifey was her primary caregiver. (This experience had a surprising outcome – it actually lead wifey to give up her dissolute artist ways and go to nursing school.) My mom is better now and she still needs help sometimes. I do make my own career choices based in part on that fact.
I think of this story when I’m looking at someone’s resume – who knows what career heights people might go to if they didn’t have real life and family tugging on them, the real life that we, in HR, are most likely never going to know about? And who knows what will happen in the future, even our hardest workers have lives and families and will one day have a need for our compassion and cooperation. We need to be ready to give it.
Oh, Laurie – I can relate. Have been there with my mom. Same disease, same set of events….I was at a distance, which made it more challenging for me.
Best thing I can suggest: delegate when needed. I’m sure Scrubby can take up some of the slack.
Sending chocolate (it really IS a miracle drug), kitties and steel-toed Doc Marten boots for random ass kickings as/when needed.
Laurie,
My mom was rushed to the hospital with acute pancreatitis 5 years ago. She also had numerous other health issues including diabetes and wasn’t very good at taking care of herself. You struck a chord with your “what’s new with you”. People all mean well and honestly do care but It’s so difficult to answer the questions about “how is your mom doing”? The slightest hint of sympathy from someone made me cry.
She was in the induced coma for 6 weeks and the next 12 weeks were filled with one complication after another including a quadruple bypass heart surgery. The doctors assured us that if we fixed her heart she would recover! After the surgery her body so weak and her mind so consumed with her pain she hated all of us for putting her through that. Then the final flow came when she was hit with a hospital borne infection that developed quickly. The doctors held out little hope that she would survive this attack.
I am the oldest of 4 sisters and a brother and I had to make the decision. We could let her hang on to let the sepsis do its work or give her the peace she wanted. I had to make the decision and it was to let my mom go. Although I still believe it was the right thing to do I will never get over the guilt and pain. All her kids and grandchildren gathered at her bedside that day and talked to her as she slipped away.
You are coping with your fear and pain in the ways that work for you. When the time comes for you to want to talk I’m sure you will have the support and love of your family and friends.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to talk about my mom again. I haven’t done that for a long time.
My thoughts are with you.
Fran
Laurie
Thoughts are with you. Yes tragedy does unleash a variety of emotions and skills along with alot of adrenalin to push through. Breathe, rest and cherish the moments – the good and the bad, because this is life.
My grandmother lived with us for about 16 years (I was 16 when she died- she was 88). She and I were terribly close. Now, I was too young to take on the toll my mother had to with an elderly person. It affected our entire life, we would rarely go out as a family because someone always had to be home with her and my mom would even leave her husband’s side in bed and go sleep next to her mother if she wasn’t feeling well etc. She would bathe her, clean her, put her to bed.
The week before she passed she suffered a massive stroke and thankfully, my mom’s brothers and sisters and their spouses descended on our house and stayed there for the entire week. My grandmother remained unconscious the entire time and I remember it all so vividly as if it happened yesterday (it happened 11 years ago). Thank goodness too, that mom’s reputation, years of service and position at her job made it easy for her to be away from work and do what needed to be done.
I was still in high school but it helped to come home and have the entire family there. I did what I had to do and I’ve always been very practical about death- we had a week to get used to the idea that she was going to die and I saw it as a natural progression of life. After she died, of course we were sad and you could feel the emptiness in the house (we eventually sold it).
We all deal with grief differently- I know someone like you and after her 5 day old baby died- she went the work the next Monday and threw herself into it and distracted herself completely….
Hang in there Laurie and just be there for your mom as much as you can…
The year I went through a loved-one dying I just wanted to coast at work. I want to meet my requirements, contribute to the organization and not worry about what I was doing to stretch myself. I did not miss one deadline, supported the re-launch of a product and spent countless hours at work doing my job. To all the crappy bosses, and to all the good ones – believe it or not, sometimes getting the promotion at work is not what makes us successful. It was being with my family when they needed me, or when I needed them.
Please keep in mind – we have men and woman serving our country and spending 400+ days away from their families while they are on a tour. The husbands, wives, moms and dads that are here in the US, caring for their children and working have a similar stress. They might not be running back and forth to a hospital, doctors office, etc. But they are stressed when it goes on day 4 and their spouse has not called home.
Thanks for this post – we all do have a greater purpose at times than what we do to earn a living.
Five years ago I was driving home on my god-awful commute on hwy 91 in Orange County, going East, when my wife buzzed the cell and told me she had just gotten the call from my Dad. He told her that my Mom was real close to passing, and that if I wanted to say good-bye to her, I’d need to get on a phone quick, and call her. I sat there, in traffic, consumed with the idea that my Mom was going to die that day, I was a thousand fucking miles away from her, and all I could do was call her on my cell while idiots bobbed and weaved in traffic blaring their horns at each other.
Fortunately I got home in about 15 minutes, immediately ran upstairs to our bedroom so I could have privacy, and I called my Dad, who held the phone up to my Mom’s ear…and I said good bye to her. I had maybe one minute, she could barely moan in response to my words, and I said goodbye.
[Man…this is tough stuff to write…I am sitting here in my office at 6:20am with tears welling up ready to freak anyone out who walks by and sees me].
It was terribly, terribly sad and hard and consuming and I cried so hard I think I scared my wife. All this, and I knew my Mom’s passing was coming as she had been sick with the cancer for 18 months.
Laurie, it is never easy, it is not easy for me to think about it all now. Love you Mom, send her a magazine or a good movie or her favorite bite of See’s candy. Draw her a flower on a plain piece of paper, make a heart and write I love Mom. Do it all, now, and just know she will always be your Mom and will always love you, and you will always love her.
I am gonna go splash some water on my face.
God bless.
Dale
Laurie, three years ago, my father died very rapidly from cancer (3 months from diagnosis to the grave). We have a small family, my younger brother lived 5 hours away from home, so it was just my mother, myself and my future wife there to manage everything. My company at the time was super awesome and gave me total freedom during that entire time. My mom was a mess, so Mrs. Puf (who works in cardiac research at the Cleveland Clinic) stepped up to make sure my father was getting A+ care, and I managed family (Italian-American – the drama in the movies at times can seem an understatement). It was hard on all of us, but we all made sure we gave each other mental breaks and support as well as supporting my father. And as I mentioned above my company really stepped up to make sure that my family came first, props to them!
Laurie, my prayers are with you and your family, and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.
It was Kyle who had to endure the lingering death of her Mom during 2007. It sucked. Let’s change the topic back to Tom Delay!
Dancing with the Stars’ Tom DeLay Injured During Rehearsal
http://www.seattlepi.com/tvguide/410221_dancing15.html
The curse of Dancing with the Stars endures: Former House majority leader Tom DeLay is the first Season 9 contender to be injured in rehearsals.
“Old age is catching up to me, may have a stress fracture in my foot. No worries, it’ll take more than that to keep me off the dance floor!” tweeted DeLay early on Tuesday.
But he soon learned his injury was less serious: “No stress fracture! It is a pre-stress fracture. I live for another day.”
Dancing’s Cheryl Burke had to Google her new partner, Tom DeLay
DeLay’s representatives say he should be okay for Monday’s premiere.
I helped take care of my dad when he was dying of cancer. I had just returned from the Peace Corps and couldn’t find a job. (I think employers thought I would be all “kum-bay-yah,” which couldn’t be further from the truth.) My parents had just moved to Italy when my dad got sick, so my mom was having to deal with shutting down things over there and find a place to live in San Antonio and take care of my dad. I was very worried about finding a job, but the good part was that I was available to help a lot. In retrospect, I am very grateful for that time of unemployment because it was the last time I spent with my dad.
I did get a job six months after my dad was diagnosed. Two months later, I got the call that he was about to die. I told my new boss that I didn’t care if they fired me, I was going back to Texas for I didn’t know how long. Not only did they tell me to get out of there already, but they paid me for the two weeks I was gone, even though I said that I certainly did not expect to be paid during my absence.
I know what you mean about not wanting to talk about your mom’s illness: I got tired of being the all cancer, all the time channel. Sometimes I just wanted to talk about purses.
My family is small, I’m an only child as is my mom; not close with my dad. The hospital sent my grandmother home last week with pnemonia complications after breaking her hip a few weeks ago. It’s not looking good, my mom and I are just waiting for the hospice call. My grandmother lives about two hours away with her sister, her wishes not ours. This will be the first major loss in my life. I dont handle stress well, I tend to ignore it and it comes out in the form of forgettfullness, cravings for ice cream, hair loss, overspending at the bookstore and general crankyness.
Lean on your friends Laurie, offline friends and online friends, its why we are here. And one can never have too many bags of chips or ice cream or kisses from the kitties.
Now, we need to do something about Tom Delay. That tshirt tucked into those sweatpants is just too much. I saw the preview on Olberman last night and I damn near fell off the couch laughing.
Best wishes as you travel down this path.
The summer before my junior year I spent caring/sitting with my brother following his discharge from the hospital after a car wreck that resulted in a closed head injury. Both my parents worked full time. This was definately not the way I had intended on spending my summer, but after six weeks in the hospital and seeing the joy on my parent’s face when doctor’s were confident he would survive, I considered us all very lucky. Thankfully my parents realized the need for their other teenager to have some time away after they returned home from work.
Fast forward 20+ years. My wife and I (also tough as nails) juggle the responsibilities of an autistic child (our oldest) with the needs of two typical children. Without a boss that allows me to flex my time I am not sure what we would do. Two cheers for great bosses!!!!!!!!
The key in both situations is to make/find time for yourself. I’m with Judy – use some of that time to exercise.
Yep, been there and felt that, when my mother underwent a critical neurosurgery and another surgery within 2 months of it. She’s tough as nails too! And a lot of her qualities have rubbed off on her kids. She’s back to a healthy life now.
I was so freaking awake in the nights and yet could go run for miles next morning, without a strain. Just to de-stress.
But it never was easy when my mother had to undergo those sessions. And if it happens again (I pray it never does). It’s going to be that much more tougher.
Thanks to my boss and colleagues who filled in for me during my absence at work. Family who supported me throughout. A wonderful wife who stood by me every single second. Made me realize there’s a greater purpose in life!
Hang in there Laurie.
Hearing all these stories brought a flood of memories of when my father was passing. I was relatively new at my job and had to rush away to another country in the middle of the night….to make a long story short, my father came out of his coma for one day and I spent that day with him, we said our goodbyes and it was the greatest gift I could have recieved. When I got back to work (I missed a week), the bastards were horrible! the plopped stuff on my desk like they were mad at me for taking off and not even a condolensces from the creeps….I left the job a month later!!! That was 5 years ago and I hardly think of those f*ckers….but I always think about the time I spent with my daddy in his final hours….and it made me a more considerate boss when my staff is going thru hard times….I’m there for them and I make it a point to show my support. I know they appreciate it, they have told me so. Because most people truely want to do there best, but sometimes life is interrupted.
Very sorry to hear about this and my best wishes to you and your family.
I am bored with Tom Delay, can we talk about Top Chef instead?
I knew that annoying Mattin would get bounced last night!
Hey Laurie:
My husband and I recently took care of my 93 year old mom-in-law for 9 months. She was prone to seizures and we were making frequent emergency room runs. With no ill after effects of one round, one doctor pronounced her a T.O.B. (Tough Old Bird) Wishing the same diagnosis for your mom.
OK listen, I’m really not sure of the value of reading all these tragic tales about death and separation at a time when you’re facing the prospect. I know you asked for other experiences with FMLA, but seriously – you really want to wear other’s tragedies at a time like this?
I’m not criticizing other’s who have posted here; it’s a natural thing to do to re-live these times in hopes of transferring some knowledge/wisdom that you’ll find useful. But in reality, it’s more for the story teller than it is you. People find comfort in talking about tragedy with those they trust (and sometimes those they don’t even know), but again – I can’t see this as the right time for you to hear it.
You’ve said this before, we chose our lives. We chose our situation. We have to accept those choices and be bold in the face of challenges that they bring. It sounds like that’s exactly what your mom’s doing.
Sometimes being bold is facing the fact that you have to stop, be worried for someone you care for, realize that life will travel its course regardless of how much you worry, accept that, and inevitably grieve for those you lose. It really is a process – my advice (unsolicited as it is) is to submit to it. Be bold enough to submit to it. It’s better for you and your family – including the kitties.
Oh, and if you have to pray, please pray to your own boldness. Pray to your mom’s strength. Perhaps prey to the spirit/strength you’ve had to make your own choices and decisions. You, your family, & your friends are the ones who will help you get through this.
From the heart kidd.
As always IMHO.
Sid.
Oh! And fukkin’ Tom DeLay. Really? Can’t we talk about Kanye? Or “Jackass”, as the President refers to him? – Shit was staged.
Sid may have a point. Perhaps we should have a discussion about who ELSE we want to see on Dancing with the Stars.
My vote is for Al Franken. He would have to bring that Sharpie though. I could watch that clip of him drawing the map all day long .
Sid is right….It’s making me sad just to read all these stories including my own! Please someone post a picture of Tom DeLay in those sweat pants!
I missed it….
My 4-year old kid told me a joke yesterday…
Why does Tigger have no friends?
Because all day long he plays with Pooh.
*smile*
OK PunkROCK- missed the LETS CHANGE THE SUBJECT PART-
Healthcare- ugh- trying to buy a policy right now for an uninsured family member- dont even want to know what the cost is going to be…or if its even available given the situation- which can be maddening-
Switching the SUBJECT- Did you hear about the pirate who walked in to the bar with a steering wheel in his fly?
The Bar Tender said….Hey that has to hurt- why do you have that steering wheel in your zipper?
The Pirate leaned up against the bar (as pirates will do) and said
AARRGGHH…it’s driving me nuts!
Everyone — I *do* want to hear your stories. It’s all about perspective, in life, and your own situations give me comfort that I’m not alone. I love learning more about you as *people*, too. So keep sharing the stories.
@Debbie Good advice & thanks for sharing your story. Thankfully my Mom and I don’t have unfinished business. That gap between ‘what you feel & how you act’ is big in some families. Mom knows I love her. I know she loves me. I’m thankful for that.
@Linda The fact that you can hug Danny brings me comfort, yo. He’s your miracle. Nom those cute cheeks for me.
@BZ You know, you are so awesome. All good thoughts and THANK GOODNESS my Mom has gold-plated health insurance. She is only 56 and I’m pretty sure she will come close to reaching the lifetime max if she lives through this event. The healthcare system is a mess. We give up on our fellow citizens so easily in this country. Ugh.
@Leandra Thank you for sharing that story and your offer to talk. Shoot, you are a brave woman. xxxooo
@Ken Thank you. My Mom made me tough through a mix of DNA and her parenting style. You can’t be the daughter of a police officer and emerge with soft feelings.
@Judi Thank you, but gosh, your boss sucks. How do we get your boss fired? That’s my new goal. Also, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one who slightly cheered at Tom DeLay’s pre-stress-fracture. What a baby. Suck it up, Hammer.
@Trish Thank you. What a story. You must look at your twins and be reminded of the miracle every day. When they say that your kids pick your nursing homes, it’s true. Thankfully my Mom has good kids.
@Kerry My mom likes cheese and no one in my family can so no to beer — so we’ll take your good vibes. Thank you. I had no idea your second pregnancy was so tough. Here’s what I want to know: how did babies get born before modern hospitals? How did women survive childbirth? How do they survive childbirth NOW in other countries? I know the rates of mortality are high in developing countries. I know women have fistulas and other horrible issues. Sad. Having babies is tough, yo. I’m glad you made it through the pregnancy and have awesome & healthy kids!
@FrannyO Thanks, lady. I had no idea that your mom inspired wifey. That’s a neat story, actually. Also, you’re so right. We often look at resumes and make judgments like, “Why did this person have a break in employment?? Something doesn’t smell right.” Some people give up their jobs and put their lives on hold to care for parents. We need to keep those judgments in check.
@Patrick Scrubby is on the job being scrubilicious and keeping me company. I recommend a Scrubby in everyone’s life. Including yours. Thanks for the note. I knew we had lots in common — I didn’t know it involved our mothers!
@Fran Holy crap, we are kindred spirits. I know this world very well. Thank you for sharing that story. It offers me comfort to know that I’m not alone. I’m so sorry for all of your pain and loss.
@Kathleen Oh thank you so much for commenting. I hope you know I appreciate it.
@Karen Wow, thanks for sharing your story. Shoot, that’s tough. Thank you so much for your kind words, too.
@Josie Thank you for commenting. You are so right about priorities. Thanks for the reminder. We need it.
@Dale Oh Dale, I’m so sorry to evoke this pain and the memory. I take comfort in knowing that others have walked in my shoes. I’m thinking about you, too.
@Puf Oh that is an amazing story of a family that does what it takes + a good company. Also, your family is like mine. We should have shows on TNT because we know drama. We’ll take your prayers. Thank you.
@Michael Thank you for the Tom DeLay talk. Honestly, Cheryl Burke cracks me up. How do you have to google Tom DeLay? What’s up with people not being involved in politics? Where the hell are civics classes in America? Sad, sad, sad.
@Class What a story. Sometimes I’m surprised by how GOOD people (& companies) are during tragedies. I want to talk purses, too. I’m done with Coach. Just done. I don’t like their fall handbags at all.
@adowling I’m so sorry about your grandmother. Oy. Life. Pass the ice cream. PS – I’m glad you saw that t-shirt/sweatpants combo because I thought I was hallucinating. So hysterical.
@HRMark Wow, what a story. You are tough as nails. I think we undervalue the role of people who take care of others when the condition is chronic but not life-threatening (like autism). We have autistic children in my family (so does my husband) and many companies struggle to understand the financial/emotional challenges it puts on families. If you don’t have flextime or a patient boss, you can’t do it. It’s too tough. Thoughts are with you. xxxooo
@HR Store Doesn’t a good support network make all of the difference? I’m so lucky that way — and I’m really glad your Mom made a full recovery. Three cheers for good news, too!
@Latina HR Shoot, those guys were f*ckers. People want to do the right thing but get sidetracked by rules, numbers, and money. I hate those people. Thanks for sharing and I’m so sorry about your loss. Your father was a lucky guy to have such a great daughter.
@Steve Top Chef has been the highlight of my week. I thought Mattin would stick around because the later episodes focus more on refined food and a Frenchie is perfect for that… (& thank you for the live-tweeting distractions, last night. xxxooo)
@Sid You are a cynic just like me — but I take comfort in reading the stories of other people. It’s cathartic for me and keeps me humble. Also, I agree that Kanye was staged — but I think Taylor was out of the loop.
@Kerry Franken would be PERFECT.
@Dale That joke made me giggle. Pooh. Pooh is always funny.
@Fran The Tom Delay shiz is real. I saw it. Scary.
@Debbie LOL, nuts. Nuts are always funny, too. So are balls.
It’s tough seeing a parent weak and inebriate when you’re so used to them being strong, vibrant and alive. My mother dying of cancer (a mis-diagnosis from this wonderful corporate healthcare program we have here in the US) was one of the first times I looked seriously at my own mortality– and the failings of all human beings. And the last thing she said before she went into her drug induced coma was she loved me!!
Disclosure: She said it like “Yeah, yeah, I love you, I love you–Can’t you see I’m in alotta pain Ova Here!!” I love my mom’s sense of humor!!
@MattyMat Oh I’m so sorry about your Mom. That’s a very midwestern approach to dealing with tragedy. I’m sick, I love you, whatevs. Thanks for sharing. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
You’re so NOT weak. I am sorry to hear that your mom is ill, but like you said, she’s tough as nails (no surprise, being YOUR momma).
I lost my dad to heart disease/diabetes in January 2005. In April of that year, my 24 year old nephew committed suicide. One of my dearest friends went in for a foot operation; a month later she died of a blood clot (on her birthday, no less.) Now my cousin (who is only 45) is battling incurable brain cancer. All of this taught me that life will go on, no matter what.
I’m the strong one in my family. I suck at the small stuff sometimes, but put me in the above situations, and I hold it together. But that doesn’t mean that it’s always healthy. I’ve found that it’s actually better to deal with the emotions up front. Otherwise, it builds up and makes you do stupid things later on.
Hugs Miss Laurie.
The care package is on it’s way to Chez Rue. You know I love you and all that shiz, so I don’t have to say it here.
Also: cannot WAIT to see Tom DeLay get schooled by that dude with the thick French accent. ZUT ALORS!
I’ve never had to use FMLA, but know many HR folk who have found themselves having to use it unexpectedly. It rocks their world as most of have worked somewhere there is an unspoken rule that HR peeps do NOT use “stuff like that”. Cause we’re not people or some crap like that. Wait – did I just say “we”? Sorry – forgot I am off the HR staffing role. THANK U BABY JESUS!
Laurie–Your mom was a police officer??? OK, you know my feminism crawls when I hear this said to a woman, but, DUDE!!!
Every story I have heard from folks who stopped LIFE (whatever that is) to be there for an ailing loved one is grateful that they did. It enriches your life to care and be real. And to just muddle through the crap. There isn’t any good way to do it. But, I gotta give you credit, Laurie, this is one of the best ways that I have seen it done.
Brew and I both send hugs.
BZ
Laurie,
Last year, at our company party at my boss’s cabin, my 16 year old son rolled the boss’s 4-wheeler off a very steep hill, breaking his T-11 vertebrae. We are a very small firm, and FMLA does not apply to us, however I happen to have literally hundreds of hours of sick leave built up, so the time off was not a problem.
He was in the hospital for a week, and had surgery on the 3rd day. I couldn’t leave, I stayed at the hospital with him all the time, except two nights (the night before the surgery and the night before he came home) because I needed some good sleep but the rest of the time I sat in that room and worried and fretted and “what-if”ed myself crazy. Until someone brought me a laptop from the office, and thanks to the hospital’s free wi-fi, I could work. It helped so much to have something else to think about. Even during the 3 week recovery period while he was at home, I worked a few hours in the morning and afternoon from home, just because I couldn’t just sit there and watch him sleep.
I understand what you mean about wanting to change the subject though, our receptionist told EVERYONE what happened to my son, and I got really tired of people (random strangers whom I had never met, even) asking me how my son was doing. Yeah, she’s the least discreet person ever, drives me nuts.
Don’t worry though, he is fine. He suffered no spinal cord damage and just had surgery a couple of weeks ago to remove the pins and screws out of his back. He was most upset about not being able to ski last year. Oh, and no more company parties, they have decided to cancel them altogether.
When on of my bosses dad was ill, the last time before he passed on, someone asked him if his dad was getting better, and he replied “well, he is 92. There is only so much better he can get”.
So much heartbreak and strength on one page.
My dad has mid-stage Alzheimers, macular degeneration, can barely walk after a workplace accident screwed up his back almost a year ago (his workers comp folks have earned a permanent “epic fail” tag from me), and pretty bad COPD. My mom is on 100% disability and is doing the best she can. I live 100 miles away and do all I can to help but it doesn’t seem like enough.
He’s going to start blogging about what it’s like to be a recovering alcoholic (23+ years sober) and living with Alzheimers. He jokes that he could start drinking again to deal with the Alzheimers because he’ll forget about both soon enough.
I love them both but hate the crappy health cards they’ve been dealt. All I can do is remember a great quote from, of all people, Stephen King: “Be true. Be brave. Stand. All the rest is darkness.”
May God continue to hold you and your family in the palm of His hand, Laurie.
From early 2002 to November of 2004, I was my mother’s primary caretaker as she struggled with Stage IV colon cancer. I also worked full-time throughout the majority of it.
She went through two different types of chemotherapy, one round of radiation with continuous low-level 24 hour chemo, and so many surgeries I’ve lost track. In May of 2004, she fractured her pelvis by COUGHING, went into the hospital, and started a flurry of treatments that basically insured she never came home again. From May to November, she bounced back and forth from hospital to nursing home.
Out of three children, I’m the youngest and the only girl. All of her advocacy, healthcare proxies, decision-making, needs, wants, and late night craziness fell on me alone. After work, every day, I would drive to wherever she was being kept and visit with her for a couple of hours. On the weekends, when I didn’t work, I was there again. Even when she was so delirious from whatever was going on in her body that she didn’t know who I was and heaped profanity on my head, I was still there. It’s my mom, you know? I know it wasn’t actually her saying those things, even if they hurt.
I lost one job because of how my own physical and mental health deteriorated, was unemployed for some months, and then got another job who were enormously understanding about the entire situation. However, I didn’t qualify for FMLA because I hadn’t been there long enough.
I was a fairly effective caretaker (the nurse assistants at the nursing home were hide when they heard me coming down the hall) and continued to hold up my end of the department at work, but my own well-being took a bad hit that five years later, I still haven’t quite fully recovered from.
Essentially, in an effort to protect myself from everything I was witnessing and experiencing, I closed up and shut myself down. Become a robot, everything will be cool right? Not so much. It’s hard to get out of robot mode and act like a real person again. But, I’m getting better at it.
Time management wasn’t such a big deal because just about everything other than work and taking care of my mother was put on hiatus and those things were on such a tightly regimented schedule that deviation from it was nigh on impossible.
Stress was handled by loud and repeated listening of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, long drives by myself in the middle of the night up and down the highway, and occasional self-medication.
So it’s pretty obvious by the comments that you are not alone in this. Major life events are rarely scheduled and frequently alter how you get anything done.
Having gone through losing both my parents after illness and just in the last week the sudden by not really surprising death of my father in law, I can tell you staying strong allows you to get the things done you need to, work, taking care of the cats (in my case kids) and making sure that everything else doesn’t fall apart.
But there are those moments where you need to just stop and feel it all because it is LIFE at its very essence. And most people get this, work places and clients can be surprisingly supportive and you need to put energy into it because no matter what the outcome, you’ll be better for it. It’s the real stuff.
Now, speaking of reality… what is Tom DeLay thinking anyway? This is his come back?
You, your Mom and your family are in my thoughts, and hopefully all this cosmic energy will keep that strength up and bring some healing.
Laurie there isn’t anything I could say that hasn’t been said already so I will be short on words and want you to know that you and your mom are in my thoughts.
Thanks for putting this post up today of all days – it would have been my mom’s 56th bday.
Luckily, she went quickly. I say luckily because she reminded me at least a couple of times a year since I was 12 that if something happened to her and she went into some sort of long dramatic coma like she saw regularly in her daily soap operas (OLTL & GH), I was to pull the plug on her and not look back. When I’d come back with my teenage whine, “Moooooooom!” she would make me promise. I did. My mom could make me promise stuff like that. This is the joy of being an only child to a single mom.
2005 was the worst year of my life. I was really lucky that my employer understood why I was walking around like a zombie at times and then working until 10pm at other times. The hardest part was seeing my coworkers look at me *like that*. I knew they wanted to ask me how I was doing or say something nice or tell me that they were praying for me, but I just kept things light so they didn’t have an In to talk about stuff that was going to make me cry. Some people got the hint quickly, mostly those who had been through something similar.
I only took a few days off of work, although my boss kept telling me to take more time off, but it was in the middle of our year end audit (accounting is sexy – don’t let anyone tell you differently!) and the frantic pace kept me sane. I lived alone and really didn’t want to sit around thinking about it. I didn’t want to feel the hurt, so I dove into work (what else is a workaholic supposed to do when presented with tragedy??) and ate a lot of Ben & Jerry’s. Really, a whole lot. I hadn’t discovered the joys of bacon back then.
Now I want bacon. Let’s talk about bacon. And Top Chef, Tom DeLay, Kanye, Joe Wilson, shiny things…whatever gives you a moment of peace/distraction from all the serious shit that’s going on and helps keep you sane. Those moments of peace are what help you deal with things when the time is right.
Laurie,
It’s a painful thing to know that a parent, someone who first loved you as a child, is now in a vulnerable place. I remember seeing my father for the last time, feeding him his pudding while he fought the heart problems that three weeks later took his life. I wanted so to be his little girl again and instead I was nuturing him. My heart is with you Laurie and warm thoughts and blessings.
Now for something different. My cat Kliban stopped and tried to kiss herself in the mirror yesterday. Oh, wait, she does that every day. She’s found out that she’s even cuter than she thought she was.
And for something completely different, Tom DeLay in that crazy outfit. Jeez, even my GOBF&L (Good Ol’ Best Friend and Lover) doesn’t do that.
Laurie – so sorry to hear.
Been there. My Dad was chronically ill since I was 13 and there were many times where it was “all hands on deck” to get through it all.
I was quite fortunate that most of my bosses of the time understood and let me do what was needed. I never needed to take FMLA – although I did check in to it and was prepared to use it as needed.
As for the stress…I compartmentalized…it was the only way I could funtion. Only HR, my new boss and my old boss knew specifically what was happening with my Dad at the end. I needed a place to go where that was not the topic of discussion all the time. And it helped greatly.
But mostly I wanted to crawl under the covers…
So many moving stories of human dignity and courage.
Just do what you need to do – don’t worry about anyone else, the job, or whatever else. They’ll all take care of themselves. If people don’t understand, well, their problem.
I’m not in the US, so have no idea who Tom DeLay is. And I only know really old political jokes, so I’m not very good at cheering anyone up. But as another cat-lover, I can attest to the greatness of cats – as can cats themselves. Selfish they most certainly are, but they’re great to cuddle, and they most definitely know when you’re feeling down.
Wishing you all the best
Clare
Laurie, what I get from you through your words is how strong you are so I can imagine your mom is one tough cookie but your family will be in my prayers. I haven’t had to take care of a family member to that extent of your mom but my mom had a total knee replacement. I know, it doesn’t sound like much but she is 57 years old and this was her first EVER surgery. I flew home for a week and helped her and my dad out but I HATED it!! I don’t like to see either of my parents weak or hurting and it was hard to see my mom on a walker then a cane and her having a hard time getting around. I guess reality started to hit and I quickly wanted to turn the channel to the time in the future when all was better. I have an extreme amount of stress in my personal life right now and it is driving me crazy. What’s worse is that I can’t get past that when I go to work because it is on my mind. It is draining me so bad that people at work can tell there is something wrong or going on. I hate that I “wear” it so obviously. I hate when people ask, “what’s wrong?” I am like you in the aspect of I hate answering the question, telling the story, having people feel sorry for you, saying they wish there was something they could do. I just want to scream, “YOU CAN’T SO LEAVE ME ALONE!” That isn’t the type of person I am but that is where my stress has taken me right now!! UGH!! Life’s a b!tch!!
Hey Laurie,
I don’t know what to say other than I’ve been there, and know how hard this can be. Take a break from work stuff, when you need to, though. Work when it provides a distraction, but focus on your family without guilt when you need to.
And try this: grab a tennis racquet and shake it in the air, tell heart disease that you will shove that racquet down its throat. Nothing wrong with a little anger.
Lastly, your Moms is hella proud of you, isn’t she?
Hey Laurie,
I don’t know what to say other than I’ve been there, and know how hard this can be. Take a break from work stuff, when you need to, though. Work when it provides a distraction, but focus on your family without guilt when you need to.
And try this: grab a tennis racquet and shake it in the air, tell heart disease that you will shove that racquet down its throat. Nothing wrong with a little anger.
Lastly, I bet your Moms is hella proud of you.
Hang in there, kid. Here’s another bullet point for your what-I’m-doing list: writing deep, moving blog posts that bring out the best from your online *ohana.* I look forward to re-reading these beautiful posts: they’re a treasure. Lilo rocks, BTW.
Crazy as it sounds, my Mom has beaten cancer four times (so far) in the past 30 years, in the following order: breast (twice, lumpectomy & radiation, and radical mastectomy & chemo), ovarian (experimental chemo) and lung (lobe-ectomy & chemo). Every time, we’ve all had to get our emotional/spiritual/financial/legal ducks in order in case, well, you know….
Then there’s the time I missed getting hit by a bus (literally, with my nose in a book, on Baltimore’s old, narrow streets) by about a half-step and 24 inches. That’ll change your POV in a hurry, believe me.
One of the wisest and richest sources of insight that I’ve found is: “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying,” by Sogyal Rinpoche. Emphaitcally and explicitly *not* a religious tract; filled with practical tools for de-mystifying a journey we all gotta take.
Joe Wilson? The guy who fought to keep the stars-n-bars flying over the capitol dome in Columbia? Yeah, he’s a clown. But y’know what’s worse than racism? Cynical *manipulation of racism* for political gain. Roy Edroso makes this point brilliantly, as usual, at his alicublog: http://is.gd/3oez0.
Tom DeLay? The disgraced Jack Abramoff crony and K Street arm-twister? The shameless Terry Schiavo demagogue? The trained and certified pest-control professional (now *there’s* a good career path for public service)? The celebrity dancer? I thought his 15 minutes were up.
@Angela Whoa, you are a strong one to endure those situations. You’ve had enough bad news for a lifetime. You’re due for something big & great. I just know it. Thanks for sharing.
@Jenn First of all, thank you. Second of all, HELLS YEAH YOU’RE DONE WITH HR. Hurry up and get that paralegal degree because I need a strong legal mind on the Punk Rock HR payroll.
@BZ DUDE! I know, she’s tough. Also, I had no idea that dude made your feminist skin crawl. I love it — and I’m wrapped in feminist skin, too. I love taking words and owning them. I feel this way about ‘chick’, too.
@MJB Ho-lee-cow. What a story. I’m glad your son is okay. Wow, I hope you’re thinking about writing a book or doing something with this story. Amazing. xoxoxox
@Andy The comments on this post, including yours, are amazing and honest and touching. Thank you. Also, I want that blog URL so I can read it. Your father. Wow. That blog will be compelling stuff.
@MagPie Oh what a story. You are so kind to your mother — and brave. I’ve been thinking about how the caretaker role falls, by default, on some women. For whatever reason. It just happens. I think your Nick Cave coping methodology is a good one. I’m incorporating that into my daily routine.
@nelking Oh I’m so sorry about your father-in-law. My condolences. Thank you for being just as surprised about Tom DeLay’s comeback as I am. This is a new low — even for him.
@Lisa Oh Lisa, thank you x200. I really really really appreciate your support.
@Controlergirl Oh what a story. You are really amazing & strong. Here’s what I love about you. 1. Ben & Jerry’s (my favorite is Chubby Hubby) 2. bacon (duh) 3. Top Chef (this season is just so mediocre, so far, except for the Voltaggio brothers) Thank you for sharing.
@ali Oh thank you so much — and thanks for telling me about Kliban, LOL. I think you need to record this and upload it to the interwebs. Kliban the Kissing Cat. It could be huge on YouTube.
@Leanne Oh man I would do anything for you to join me under the covers, right now. Or we could have some Dylan’s. Either way, I’m good. Miss you already.
@Clare Thank you so much. You’re better off not knowing Tom DeLay. You are so right about the kitties. They know how to manage stress and trauma, don’t they??
@Sara Oh you totally understand — caring for someone, in any capacity, is tough. I hope your mother’s knee continues to heal. You remind me of how much I love to take naps. We can only wear a mask for so long. Naps really help me!!
@Carmen Oh thank you so much. My mom is HELLA proud of me. She reads this blog and talks about it like it’s an art project, LOL. I’m always like, “Don’t read my blog. It’s my job. Blah blah blah.” She wants to keep up with my life and she did it by watching my videos. Kind of funny. I wonder what she’ll say about this post if/when she reads it.
@Ken Wow, your comment is amazing and inspiring. Your Moms? She deserves an award. I read “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying” in college but I don’t really remember it. Youth. It’s wasted on the young. I’ll break it out. Also, you’re so right about Wilson and DeLay. Thank you for all of that.
My personal examples would be stories of what not to do. Unfortunately, in the past during hard moments like you described I’ve OD’d in debauchery. At the time it seemed to take my mind off tough stuff and a way for me to run and hide. Later and STILL I regret not creating more meaning during those fragile times. These days I say be a lover you can’t go wrong showing love and you’ll never regret it.
You’re smarter than me and I have a feeling a hell of a lot tougher too. Know that you have a lot of people out here who care and are sending you energy and strength.
Best.
Laurie,
I’m rarely at a loss for words, but in situations like this, I often am – because I don’t know the “right” things to say. However, I do want you to know that I’m pulling for you, your Mom and all members of your family during this stressful time. I’m blessed to have two relatively healthy parents in their 70′s, but know that could change in a heartbeat. Like you, I don’t live near them, and if I worry about anything, it’s about how I will deal with that if they require care. I choose to not think about the could be’s and what if’s and just hope that I’ll be prepared if or when that time comes.
I’ll be lifting you and your family up in my prayers for strength, wisdom and clarity during these tough times. Even though many of us commenting here are “virtual friends”, know that we still love you and care about you – because you’re You!
As your boss I approve you for time off to take care of your mother. Best wishes!
Laurzipan, Hang in. You are a champ. There’s nothing I can tell you here that you don’t know. My boss and coworkers were MENSCHES when it came to helping me deal with my Dad’s prolonged bout with cancer. My boss’s mantra is “family first,” so I never had to worry about missing too much work or being lame with my producivity. He really meant it, and understood having been though some tough tribulations and loss himself. When my Dad eventually died, my boss arranged a bus for over a dozen of my coworkers to come to the wake. That’s what keeps me: the people. Love you sister, it will all be okay. The waiting’s a bitch, though. Mad love to you.
@Amanda Oh thank you for sharing. My brother deals with issues much the same way you’ve dealt with yours. There’s no right or wrong way to handle it. You just do what you need to do in order to cope with the pain.
@Jennifer Thank you. You’re going to make me cry in a good way, and I thank you for that, too.
@Rachl Yes ma’am, you are the boss. (Thanks for the permission. I’d like a note that says I can get a margarita.)
@Cols OMG, how can anything be wrong when I have you in my corner? We’ll take a break in NYC and celebrate your (belated) birthday. That will ease my soul. You + me + anyone else + drinks + food + fun. That’s what we need.
My dad died when I was 25, 12 days after I was married. He was “wheeled” down the aisle by my sister, but could not dance with me to his favorite Elvis tune at my reception because he was too sick. My boss, a Dir of HR, gave me all of the time off that I needed. No FMLA or vacation days were needed. I was able to be with my dad when he died. I was the Executor of his will, which was in probate for over 2 years. My boss let me sit in a corner office and do whatever I needed to do, including cry. His compassion when I needed it most was one of my first real HR experiences. I was changed forever – personally and professionally – by the experience. Now I pay it forward.
Hi, Laurie. One month into a brand new job at a new company (thankfully working for a boss I had worked for before) my husband developed very serious complications of his quadripalegia — basically do very intricate surgery on the spinal cord itself immediately or die. I took a week of vacation for surgery 1 (1.5 months into the new job) and then another week for surgery 2 (3 months into the new job). I get three weeks a year plus 5 sick days and the usual holidays. Since I was new and a relative unknown among my team and colleagues, I felt I had to share that this was life threatening stuff. But the minute I stepped back into the office, I was sure to focus on nothing but work. My MIL stayed with my husband as he recovered at home during the day and would call if there was anything I needed to come home for. Everyone understood my cell would be on me at all times and luckily I only needed to step out of a meeting once.
I have to say, work was almost a haven from the constant worry. I had a justifiable reason to focus on something else without the guilt of “I should be thinking/concerned with my husband’s health 24/7.” Then again, I should also give my husband the credit he deserves. He is not at all a whiny sick person. He looked at his recovery as his job and focused on that while I was at work.
My work was also forgiving of my time, which I didn’t really expect as the unknown new hire. But I like to think that I proved myself by delivering quality work when I was in. That also freed me to give my husband the quality care and focus he needed when I was home.
When asked by people at work on his status, I would give them the honest answer — “He is recovering nicely, but it will be a long process. Thanks for asking and please keep him in your thoughts. Now, about this project we’re working on….”
I intentionally kept one or two people informed of the full story as I knew the info would filter out through the rumor mill.
Thoughts and prayers are with you, your mother and your family.
Laurie,
It certainly does not surprise me that you mother is such a strong woman…now I know where you get it.
You are so brave to share this with us. You’re right; it’s something we all have had to/will have to deal with so we might as well talk about it and help each other through it.
It’s way too hard for me to even *think* about either of my parents getting sick. I lost my grandfather – my mom’s dad – almost three years ago and honestly I am still reeling from that. I was so close to him all my life and I remember after he died people would say, “Well, you should just be glad you got to have him him your life for 37 years.” What I wanted to say in response to that right after I punched them in the face? “Yeah. Well. And that makes it even that much harder to lose him so shut up.”
I had a relationship with him – and still have a relationship with my grandmother – that many people don’t get to experience with a grandparent. I got to know them as an adult; not just as a bright-eyed little girl who’d be so excited to see her grandparents on holidays and summer vacations.
My grandparents met in first grade and grew up together in a small town in Illinois. They were high school sweethearts and eloped when my grandfather was drafted and sent overseas in WWII. They were married 65 years when he died. He would be 90 if he were still alive. She is 87 and couldn’t be healthier although she gets lonely and she misses him. She was so busy taking care of him the last 7-8 years of his life as he developed heart and lung issues, diabetes, and was then diagnosed with a chronic form of leukemia six months before he passed away.
She struggles to keep herself busy and we talk nearly every day.
Laurie, hang in there. Of all the scenarios you laid out for your mom the one I like best is the one where she lives for another 20 years.
We’re here for you.
Thank you for being brave.
Hey Laurie,
Been there, done that with my mom as well. It sucks. Hang in there and take care of yourself first, so that you have something to take care of your mom with.
Heather
Thanks Laurie– you and your family– especially your Mom– are in my thoughts as well!!
I hope your mom makes it 20 years before she meets that hypothetical bus. I am glad that she seems to have passed on her resiliency to her daughter. Hang in there – though it seems that, on paper at least, you have a very clear and balanced view of our inevitable mortality.
I just did this actually – though my Mom does not have all of the other health issues your mom is challenged with. Three weeks ago my mom was rushed to the ER with internal bleeding and spent a week in the hospital. All they were able to to was support her body while it fixed itself. I worked the whole week (because my counterpart was on vacation), went home and took care of my kids, dropped them off at the in-law’s, visited my Mom in the hospital to take care of what she needed and ensure she was getting good care (the nurses have a lot of time to consult in the PM), picked the kids up & put them to bed, then went downstairs to work some more – it was a busy week at work.
I didn’t sleep much.
That weekend I came down with H1N1 influenza and missed a week of work because I was sick as two dogs.
Work/life balance is very difficult when you work full time and care for an ill loved one (and have rug rats to take care of).
Mom’s home from the hsopital though and doing okay.
I hope your outcome is a good one this time.
Best wishes…
Wow. Reading this post hit me like a ton of bricks as it is so timely in my life right now. The responses also made me reflect on my current situation with my mom who has been living with me for the past two years and is currently in a rehab facility trying to get her strength back.
I have been out on an FMLA leave for the past 4 weeks and will be out for at least one more. This is the longest leave I have had to take as I had previously taken leaves of 2 and 3 weeks for similar circumstances. Each time my boss and co-workers have been incredibly generous of their compassion and time in covering for me.
In my role as an HR Manager I have seen and heard many stories of employees doing their best to handle various cargiving duties at home and also trying to cope with work. This is why I feel that this is the number one challenge for HR and maintaining an active/productive workforce and that even with all the legal protections it’s really about the human connections that we need to make with each other as sooner or later our time will come where we need assistance.
The reason why I am off now is that I had reached a max point where I could not focus on work and deal with my caregiver responsibilities at home with my mom. I tried to keep it going for a long time but finally threw in the towel before the men in white coats came to take me away.
I’m seeing a therapist for the first time and am learning to handle things differently and trying to live by the “take care of yourself so you can take care of others” mantra. It has been and continues to be an increadibly slow and difficult process as I always thought of myself as a strong person but I now see that it can be to your own detriment at times.
So Laurie, each of us finds their own road when facing challenging times and my thoughts for you are to not back away from the things that scare you the most. It sounds like you and your brothers have done that but be sure to do a reality check now and again to ensure you are being honest with yourself and listen to your heart and not your head.
All the best my friend.
@Bonita What a sad story about your dad but what an amazing example of compassion from your boss. That’s the only way to do it — pay it forward. Thank you for sharing. xxxooo
@Lyn Oh my goodness, what a story. You and your husband are so strong. Thanks for sharing — and thanks for keeping my family in your thoughts.
@Stephanie I don’t even know what to say. I’m speechless. This is what I know: I’m a better and stronger woman because you’re in my life. Thank you so much.
@Heather Oh thank you so much.
@TotemPole Holy cow, H1N1 virus? That’s horrible and I’m glad you are okay. Seriously, what a rough month. You deserve a break.
@HRJefe Thank you so much. Boy, you are a great daughter. So generous. You have my support, too. Let me know if you want to chat offline. xxxooo
Hang in there. Thinking good thoughts for you and your family.
@Icepick Thank you. I want to see you blog more often. That would cheer me up fast!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there with a sick child, a sick parent and sick grandmother. I know I’ll have to be there again. My son’s health is always on the edge of disaster and my parents aren’t young and aren’t healthy.
I become crazy productive woman – it’s as though I think if I work harder in the time I have to work (when I’m not at the hospital praying for my child to recover or sitting with him through treatments at home) then that some how will save him and/or us. In some ways it grounds me and in others it pushes me past crazy. I know others who are like this as well – it’s like we’re hard-wired to cope by escaping into our work.
I’ve also seen more and more hospitals with wi-fi lately, and I struggle whether it’s good to let people use it who are there with a sick relative. When my son is sleeping I can work and when he’s up I can be there for him, but then I never sleep. I make my deadlines, my co-workers don’t notice that I’m “out” and everyone is happy, but I end up even more exhausted.
I hope you’re doing well and everything works out for the best for you!