I like social tools and websites. I started blogging in 2004, I opened my first Twitter account in 2007, and I’ve joined every social networking site on the planet. I even co-founded a social network for HR professionals because I think technology is fun & interesting. I wanted to learn.
Unfortunately, there are days where I want to quit Facebook and go back to my real world.
I don’t mind your Farmville updates or your Mafia Wars invites. I can delete those requests and hide your activity in my feed. What bothers me is the hyper-aggressive use of social media to spew emotion, feelings, and opinion. People who are otherwise sweet & kind will comment on my wall and write the most idiotic, racist, and sexist stuff in defense of an otherwise irrelevant position.
I’m like Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace. I find myself yelling, “Get off my lawn!”
Here are my guidelines for Facebook. Let me know if you have others you would like to add.
- Facebook is meant to be fun. It’s not very fun when you come over to my page and insult my friends, my ideas, or my taste in music. It’s even less fun when I have to go back and delete your tone-deaf comments. Please shut up, already.
- Facebook is like an entryway to my home. We are social media neighbors, and I expect some manners. Do you take a crap and smear it all over your neighbor’s home when you want to make a point or emphasize an idea? Please don’t come over to my Facebook wall and fling poop.
- None of this is real. I don’t post pictures of myself in my glasses & retainers. You will never see anything more than what I want you to see. I assume the same about you. Let’s show some maturity and exercise our critical thinking skills. Accept that Facebook is just a snapshot of life and move on.
- Facebook isn’t a space for deep and meaningful conversation. It’s the least conversational site, actually. When I post something on my wall, I don’t want to hear from naysayers & Debbie Downers. I want to hear from like-minded people who are fun & interesting. I don’t mind witty banter and light discussion, but I am looking to keep things lighthearted. If I wanted to have an important conversation with you about serious issues, I would call you. At the very least, I would tweet about it.
- Facebook isn’t Meet the Press. You are not a genius political thinker, either. You won’t change my mind about Obama, abortion, religion, women’s rights, feminism, or any other issue. I won’t change your mind, either. When did you stop assuming that I am an intelligent & educated human being? Don’t you respect me? Isn’t that why we’re friends in the first place? I am open to some new ideas, and I respect your opinion, but Facebook is not the place. Period. I know you missed your calling as a political advisor. Please go advise someone else.
I love social tools and value the online connections in my life. I like seeing pictures of your children. I want to hear about your pets and your job. This is important to me and makes my life better.
Very simply, I hope that aggressive users of Facebook will mature, slow down, and chill the heck out.
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I don’t do FB primarily because people can’t seem to follow the simple steps you mention. Maybe if more people did I might take a peek.
@Ed Skip it.
I seriously want to tattoo this entire post onto the foreheads of certain members of my “family” list on Facebook.
What is wrong with people? Why does being recreationally assholistic seem like a good idea?
@Kerry Thank you. Sheesh. People.
Love the post Laurie. I respect my friends’ right to their opinion but don’t necessarily want to hear about it when I am doing something for fun, and that applies to both extremes. Fun should not include name calling, bias, etc.
@john Facebook isn’t fun when people are mean to one another. Am I a dreamer?
Guilty as charged on the first one.
@bruno except you like morrissey so you can stay.
Love this post! I’ll be posting a link to it from may wall. I’m tired of people who think it is their job to convert me, religiously or politically! And I don’t want to know the gruesome details of their life either, they need to go tell their shrink!
@Suzann No, I want to tell you about my gruesome details!
I agree with most of what you said except, perhaps, that FB isn’t Meet the Press. I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind about anything, but I read ALOT and see many interesting ideas that I like to share. Facebook and Twitter are how I do that. Perhaps just reminds people I am their favorite nerd, but it makes me feel better to share.
@Eileen I think it’s okay to share ideas on your wall but it’s another thing to jump all over someone else’s ideas. I’m all for civilized discussion but writing on my wall and ripping apart my beliefs is just lame.
You don’t like the “Obama wants to take my guns so he can shakedown BP, promote socialism, and anger God” posts?
I’d also include not being a fan of posts describing one’s health problems and accompanying revolting symptoms.
@JD Don’t forget that Obama isn’t even all that black. On a side note, I don’t want to hear about your bursitis, migraines, or intestinal issues. Okay, I lie. We can talk poop.
No ban on the sales pitches?
I really love the updates about how some mail order crap has completely changed their life and then they supply their affiliate link to the website….
@Sales No one pitches me anything! Crap, I am missing out.
A friend of mine was recently contacted on Facebook by someone she hadn’t been in contact with for 20 years, since high school. Later that same day, this person responded to a comment on my friend’s wall — by accusing my friend’s good friend (who had also posted there) of being a “loser” and a “skank.” (The topic was eating in the car, by the way.)
I am actually slightly disappointed that there’s not more of this on my wall, for amusement value.
@Alison Here. Have my drama.
I know I’m horrible for thinking this one, — but I don’t want to hear about every little tiny thing your offspring does. I know they’re the most special child in the world, but really? Do I need to know they dressed themselves today, threw their Cheerios on the floor, or pottied in the big boy potty three times today? I love your kids. I think they’re awesome, and I really am excited when they take their first step or get their first home run. I don’t care that they spent the afternoon watching Nemo.
@sarah I don’t have many friends who are mommies, actually, so I don’t hear this stuff. I hear more about health issues and divorces. That’s kind of sad. Says something about my social circle.
Bingo.
@GL xoxo
Ugh. It’s enough to make you scream. Between people’s blanket racial/political/sexist statements, requests to buy my gold and terrible inspirational quotes (that they made up and misspelled) I almost don’t even want to have any FB friends who aren’t in my actual current circle of friends.
I haven’t talked to you since I was 10. Why do you want to be FB friends again?
@stef Don’t you know gold is at an all-time high?
I reserve my FB account for personal use only… mostly because its not a good professional venue due to the items mentioned above and many more. Since FB was created mostly as a communication forum for college aged folks and has manifested from there, I’ve not found it to be very beneficial for work related topics. As a place to connect with old friends, new friends and family, FB is a great format. I stick to twitter, linkedin and the like for professional connections. With all that said, the folks that are regularly b*tching on their pages and others… should probably seek a Psychologist or Guru of some sort and learn to lighten up!
@Clester If I reserved my FB account for personal use, it would be boring. Also, I’m with you about the bitching. GEez louise, people. Shut up.
1. If I haven’t heard from someone in 20 yrs— there’s probably very good reason’s for that lack of contact.
2. I know what children do— I’m very good at reading between the lines. Describing it in detail only tells me you don’t get out very much.
3. If I want to discuss politics, I’ll go to Democratic Underground– or talk to a like mind friend– not useless conversation with someone unwilling to listen.
4. Email is hard enough to keep up with— why invite a “comment wall” to stress over on a daily basis— especially from “friends” I really don’t know?
5. That leaves “Farmville” and “Mafia Wars”. Nah— I like “Call of Duty” better if I want to play games.
6. FB, Twitter, MySp, LinkedIn, etc. have turned into just another window of my life for “Big Brother” to look into— I want less of that– not more!!
Although I totally agree with social media for someone who can’t get out of the house— handicapped, etc. But what it has turned out to be is alot of people with ALOT of time on thier hands— that’s time I don’t have.
@MattyMat We are not FB friends. That’s crazy!
The kinds of inane, rude comments people post on Facebook makes me scared for us. You KNOW there’s a real live human being at the other end of that comment. The internet has been around long enough for all of us to know this. But it seems that for too many FB users, this is their first foray into the world of a message board type format that the rest of us cut our teeth on years ago. We already know about flame wars and trolls, but, unfortunately, too many FB noobs don’t get that it’s not cool to yell with your keyboard as though the comment just disappears into the ether. What makes it worse is that these are often people I know pretty well…or at least people who know them pretty well and should know better than the pour gasoline all over their friend’s friend.
Again, FB flamer, would you say that to my face? You aint tough/brave/smart when you’re not looking me in the eye when you post your drivel on MY wall. If you don’t like what I post, unfriend me or just shut up. (Oh, and stop believing what Glenn Beck says since it makes you look even more STOOPID.)
@H Aria Thank you. Once again, you are the voice of reason. I’d like to see people pause before they type. That would be awesome.
heh….you said critical thinking….giggle giggle giggle.
Here’s the thing, signing up for FB is a choice. You will never control how others use the platform. I happen to like hearing about all the silly things my friend’s kids do (since I don’t have kids). I like playing mindless games to wind down, and yes, the updates get posted to my wall. When I see something in the news I want to share with the people on FB who are like-minded with me, I post it….and my non-like-minded friends prob won’t like it, but I am open to the conversation. I don’t just want OTHERS to listen, I want to listen to their thoughts. Everyone uses FB differently, but you have the power. You can hide, block, unfriend, etc. When someone posts something you deem inappropriate- hide/unfriend, and move on. Like you said, it’s not real life…
@Breanne I don’t mind the Farmville and the other games — like I said, I can hide that stuff. I don’t like the more intrusive behaviors. WTF, people?! Step off!
The only one I would add to your cut out list is profanity. Too much in our society and too public.
I have a cousin deaf from birth. He speaks and signs but I don’t sign. We are weddings and funeral relatives, but when we get together we rarely have a good conversational exchange. It’s exhausting for all concerned. Since FB, I feel like I know him better and like him more. It’s a bonus that makes the other stuff worth tolerating.
@bobolink That’s a cool story, actually. Thanks for sharing it.
I am with Breanne on this one. If I am not interested on what someone has to share on FB, LinkedIn and Twitter and can easily unfriend them. There’s no need to put up with a news feed that is useless to me. (btw, ended up here through a link posted on Twitter by HR Bartender). If you truly want to participate in social media, some of your time has to be spent on “maintenance”. Ensuring that your network is useful to you and that you are in turn being useful to them.
And, according to this study, FB is remarkably “real” http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/12/091201111154.htm
@avi I don’t want to defriend everyone whom I don’t agree with… I just want some discretion.
Social Media and Cell Phones… There no etiquette user guides to accompany them.
@iknowtoo I’d buy that guide!
p.s. which is something I am working on.
Whoa….that’s bizarre….I didn’t post “The only one I would add to your cut out list is profanity. Too much in our society and too public.”
Freaky!!!!!
@ Breanne
@ Punk Rock web administrator
There is a boo-boo in this system. Under “Leave a Comment”, I’m not Breanne it’s showing Breanne’s name, her e-mail, and website. Please check it out.
@breanne weird! i am leaving this up and I sent a note to lance. bizarre.
Good for you Laurie. I agree some folks seem to think that the web absolves them of any responsibility for basic courtesy or even that we give a rat’s ass about some pretty mundane things. Some folks remind me of those obnoxious Christmas letters we used to get only these come more frequently.
Somethings should be done in private and never admitted too- I include Farmville and Mafia wars in this category. For those in the younger generation pictures of you acting drunk and stupid are like tatoos, you are likely to regret them later if you display them in public….
@Mark I don’t mind the tattoos and drinking. Don’t be a jerk is what I’m saying.
@Laurie- its because your site LOVES my comments.
@breanne #fact my site does love your comments!
So what makes Facebook about lighthearted fun and games and other social networking sites about other things? Is it just the fact that you know people there personally, or that it’s structured a certain way? Is it just the way people generally use it or the fact that we are friends with relatives and friends that we might feel very cordial toward but don’t actually want to talk to?
I actually feel like I have a better time following and participating in “real” conversations on Facebook. The social network I feel like quitting most often is Twitter, where the population of self-aggrandizing proselytizers is super-saturated. But I have a feeling that our experiences across social media platforms are in part subjective. And I think one of the reasons that people are attracted to social media in general is because we’re all making the rules (Facebook is for baby pictures; Twitter is for substance) as we go along.
But there are assholes everywhere, right? Shouldn’t we ALL be polite MOST of the time, in person and online, as a rule?
@Amy Your last paragraph might be the bigger point. It’s easier for me to tune out Twitter, by the way. When I think about all the social networks and where I’m most hassled, Facebook seems tougher to ignore than Twitter.
I use Facebook for any and all purposes… I have never gotten into Twitter despite trying (not being able to keep a thought to 140 characters is pretty much symbolic of my whole life) and nobody reads my blog, so FB is basically my only social network other than real life.
I don’t mind having long argumentative conversations there, although it gets old if someone posts political stuff all the time and none of the lighthearted stuff.
I have to say that I agree with Mark Zuckerberg a little though (gulp), or at least how I interpreted some of his remarks in an NPR interview… I wish the whole “grooming your profile” thing wasn’t necessary. I would love for there to be a world where I could be weird, and have strongly opposing views to the majority of people in my office, and present “the real me” wherever I wanted, and not expect it to reflect poorly on my professional image. Of course one would still pick and choose what you put out there to some extent, but I wish it weren’t necessary (or didn’t seem so necessary) to present a bland, inoffensive, carefully edited image to everyone in the world lest you offend a professional contact. It would be nice if we could all do a little better job of handling people who are different from us.
The recently divorced parents of our godson (who we are not actually that close to… wow, we had very few friends in Indiana, looking back) can quit moaning about how much they miss him when he is with the other parent anytime now, though. That shit has GOT to stop… especially since it is the only thing the guy posts, and the other posts by the woman are all about how stressful her life is, which you would think would make her appreciate some alone time. It makes me want to punch them both. Yes, I am a heartless asshole.
@scg You know, I have to listen to that interview. I heard it was good but now I’m curious since you mentioned it. Maybe that’s the power of social media right there — the network referrals. I don’t care for public grooming, but I want the ability to opt-in to a conversation rather than have an opinion or idea foisted upon me. Maybe that’s not realistic, though. Also, fuck those parents. That does need to stop.
Just thought of a new pet peeve I have w/ FB posts. How about the people who take pics of themselves with their cell phone camera every day and post them? Those make me bonkers. Yes, your hair looks cute today, but the fact that you’re standing in your bathroom, fixing it perfectly in the mirror, holding your cell phone and making a kissy face kinda makes me want to delete you. I have a young family member who recently had a baby, and has only posted 2-3 pics of the baby, but 12 million pics of herself (taken in the bathroom mirror). The immaturity and vanity is shocking.
@Breanne OMG, I’m so vain like that. I have to photoshop every picture of myself to remove zits. It’s sad.
Apparently I don’t have enough friends on FB, because I’m not getting half the crap described here. However, I am constantly annoyed by those status updates about “flowers in heaven” and if you “love your sone post this in your status” and “if you want to take our country back post this in your status”
My god! Those status updates are becoming the new “forward if you love Jesus” emails that were once the “copy and mail to 5 people or die” chain letters.
@donyln You don’t write a silly blog like mine. You’d be surprised at who comes out of the woodwork on Facebook.
There is a simple answer to being annoyed by someone and their comments on your wall or their mindless updates…
Remove from Friends.
And stop accepting invites from people you do not know.
@Paul I ‘don’t know’ lots of people. I don’t know more people than I know IRL. Honestly, I like getting to know people through Facebook. My life might be lonely if it were me & the cats & a husband in Raleigh, NC. I just don’t care for the aggressive and intrusive conversations.
I get what you are saying but when we accept people on FB we do not know we are also accepting that they may be idiots or as cool as we hoped.
I am floored at the amount of FB invites I get from “people” who are friends with half of the “popular” HR/Recruiter community who are obvious Spammers.
Are our friends really not looking at their profiles or their Wall before accepting?
This is the flip side of doing what we do.
@Laurie ?
Good thing I don’t post anything but hockey and goofy pictures of myself
I keep Facebook for personal stuff and use Linkedin for professional networking. I will say, when I was out of work, I did play a lot of Mafia Wars, but now? It’s just a quick glace usually once a day just to see what everyone’s up to and see if anyone is making plans to hang out – my girlfriends from high school and I have reconnected this way and we have the occasional girls’ night out. I do make fun of hubby who is WAY too into Farmville, though. (One night he forgot to hit the mute button and all of a sudden I heard a cow mooing in the other room…)
I’m mostly there for the fan page. Excuse me: “LIKE” page (don’t get me started on that. LOL!) On my personal feed, I really try to mix it up. Apps and games get hidden. I’m sorry, but I find them LAME.
I usually skim through the 1st page on my wall, liking and commenting as I see fit, and I ignore the rest.
I’m completely down with the whole “don’t be a jerk” situation. Yes. Don’t be. It makes you less fun, and it makes me not want to be around you at all, even offline.
@JenM Thanks!
Gah! I am so behind on my blogs this week. My biggest facebook complaint isn’t what people put on my wall, but what they post on their own…but who am I to say what people do on their own walls. Buuut – if I was going to say – it would be posts like “waiting…hoping….” or “If you only knew…” Stop it. Please. You want us to know – so just come out with it. And if you don’t want us to know, don’t post it on facebook.
@ginger Whoa, I’ve never seen those. That’s sad.
Laurie – it’s usually not sad when you finally find out what it is. Sometimes it’s even lame. “If you only knew…how hard it is when my puppy pees on the floor. I just can’t handle it anymore.” Well, yes. That happens to a lot of people. It’s kind of what puppies do.
Wow! I can’t believe you don’t get any of those! Huh…I’m beginning to wonder about my friends…
@Ginger, for a very short period of time I was posting that kind of status update on purpose because my friends and I had gone out to eat with my parents (of all groups of people) after a community band concert, and we decided that we should capitalize on the confusion created by dramatic status updates. So I would post something like “Oh no
” and you would see, perhaps, my best friend, my husband, and my dad liking it. We amused ourselves, but in the end it basically amounted to spamming everyone I know, so I only did it maybe twice. 
All that to say, I agree that cryptic comments and status updates are annoying. In my opinion, if something is so top-secret that you have to talk about it in code, do it in a PM. Not that I can stop anyone from doing whatever they like on FB, of course.
Guilty!
Sorry — and thanks!
Bravo, Laurie! Some of the stuff you have here are some of the reasons why I don’t have a personal FB account up. As for the status messages on babies/children…I’d save those announcements as one-on-one messages to people who really care…like grandparents and pediatricians.
lol
I know of one former classmate of mine who found another girl on FB whom we hadn’t seen or spoken to since she and her family moved to NJ…and what does she do? Post all of her grievances towards this girl from the 7th grade onward. Needless to say, the next time she was in town, she didn’t say hi to this repeat offender at all. Who can blame her?
Karen, The Resume Chick (on Google or Twitter for questions, comments and violent reactions!)
I actually found my biological mother (I was adopted as an infant) on FB. Other than that experience, I hate it due to your above list. But I feel bad deleting people… being the people pleaser that I am.
Help me.