I’ve had the same best friend since 1988. Her name is ALo, and I would take a bullet for her.
ALo and I met at a summer job — we were day camp counselors — and our relationship was solidified at Chopin Park. We loved boys, we loved animals, we had a mutual distaste for Algebra class at Mother Guerin. It seems like so long ago. I remember when ALo was a super-fly dancer and loved Chicago house music. She remembers when I dyed my blonde hair black.
For the record, I sat on her toilet while she used hydrogen peroxide to turn my black dye to a nice shade of purple. If that’s not a friendship, I don’t know what is.
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While I love social media, and while I’m all for the development of friendships through technology, nothing can replace the intimacy of time spent together doing random, stupid shit and getting to know one another. One of my dearest friends in the world writes ColsBlog. She was introduced to me via social media by the wife of an ex-boyfriend.
Did you catch that?
- I met a guy online in 2001 when my husband and I were ‘on a break’. [revised for clarification: before Ken and I were married]
- The ex-boyfriend and I broke up after a few months.
- Then I married Ken in 2002.
- The ex-boyfriend started blogging.
- I decided to start blogging in 2004 thanks to him. (We can thank or blame JB for Punk Rock HR.)
- The ex-boyfriend met his wife — who was also a blogger.
- I became internet-friends with the ex-boyfriend’s wife.
- Then I met the wife in real life.
- The wife introduced me to another friend of her who blogged.
- I met the other blogger in real life.
- I went on vacation with my two new girlfriends. We drank & ate & did stupid shit together. We did not blog.
- Those two girlfriends introduced me to Colleen.
- Colleen and I became friends in real life.
- My friendship with Col includes copious amounts of email and text messages, but when I’m in NYC, we spend time doing stupid shit together.
Again, all of these relationships started online — but they were cemented in the real world over the course of several years.
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If I’ve learned one thing from my experience as a blogger, it’s that life takes time. Relationships that burn white hot & fast on the internet rarely last — and they never satisfy.
Foundational work seems unnecessary in the world of instant connections & shared intimacy on the web; however, I believe it’s worth slowing down and investing some time in the infrastructure of a relationship. Even I have to remind myself that some of you are friends on the internet but not true friends in real life. If we are meant to be true friends, we will stop ourselves from getting caught up in the newness of an e-friendship. We will spend time together in real life eating M&Ms and talking about nonsense. We will have dinner, stumble through awkward silences, and talk about our hopes & dreams & other random crap.
And if it works out, it will be great.
It just takes time.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
My wife and I grew up 2 blocks from each other and we have tons of mutual connections. We ended up buying condos walking distance from one another as adults, yet we met for the *”first time” on Jdate.com.
* I put “first time” in quotes because given certain connections it is most probable we met as children.
Thanks for writing this post. It’s so true. You can’t exchange a dozen tweets and be best friends. Real relationships will stand the test of time.
Interesting post, considering it’s on the heels of this piece in Wednesday’s USA Today: http://www.usatoday.com/tech/webguide/internetlife/2010-02-10-1Asocialbacklash10_CV_N.htm?csp=hf
Looking forward to seeing you in Minneapolis and I will be sure we find some stupid shit to do. It is my specialty.
P.
I was googled by an ancient boyfriend. Four thousand shared emails later he’s my f&l (friend and lover). Not a tweet in the bunch. It can be done.
Sounds like me and HR Minion. We would spend time eating cookies and cherry poptarts and talking nonsense in real life if anyone actually came to Birmingham or if I could come up with a reason for someone to send me to Minnesota. She’s my BFF and I adore her; all thanks to social media and HRevolution.
Awesome post Laurie, miss you, and can’t wait to see you again!
@adowling If I could move to Birmingham right now I totally would! You are the best #BFF evar and we haven’t seen each other in too long! Miss you lots!
This is such a great blog. Thank you for keeping it real. I heart you.
I met one of my best friends through a personals ad in the LA Times– does that count?? ((yes– pterodactyl’s were flying over my head at the time. LOL))
Haven’t really developed any “social media friendships”– a thousand emails before I meet them, etc.— I have more friends in my physical life I have to keep up with— the net’s a serious added burden. And I found out long ago I don’t like babysitting my Yahoo account for that email from that chick I was talking to— “Why isn’t she emailing me right back?? Was it something I said??!!!?? I HAVE to know NOW!!!!” ….just agonizing and stupid—- I’d rather go to a party and meet people in person.
Also— it’s easier for women to develope friendships in social media for whatever reason— guys don’t go to the net to meet other dudes to be buds with– just don’t work that way.
My horoscope (yeah yeah…I know) for March said I would be meeting some of my online connections and it would lead to good business connections or friendships. I will keep you all posted on that. As a side to all this, I used to be addicted to a chat room, years ago. It’s funny how you can get really close to people you have never met through chatting online or in emails. Many of us helped each other through hard times via chatting or the phone. I have lost touch with some of those people now but I still think about them often. Heck you guys are the only online people I talk to now that I have never met. Maybe someday, in a city in the Midwest…
Why would I want to give up my 362 facebook friends for just a measly 3 or 4 ‘real life’ friends, as you call it. Real life friends don’t always hold your hands the way my laptop cradles my hands. Real life friends sometimes aren’t too keen on having 3 or 4 separate conversations going at the same time but I can IM many all at once. Real life friends can’t immediately show me funny pictures of cats with words intentionally misspelled but online it can be done at the click of a mouse. The real world is a little overrated, wouldn’t you now say?!?
So true. “You can’t make old friends” — that’s why it’s important to nuture and cherish those old friendships. And Facebook can be a cool way to facilitate that.
I’ve been meeting people online for a really long time, and many of them are people I consider to be my closest friends (and exes, in a few cases). I met my longest standing online pal in an AOL chat room circa 1993 while online trying to meet girls (give me a break – I’m geographically undesirable. I live 90 miles from SF). We met IRL at an organized gathering at a bar with these women from the chat room. It turned out that I had nothing in common with most of them and wound up pretending that I wasn’t at the bar as part of that group.
I randomly started talking to a girl while waiting in line for a drink, and she turned out to be the best friend of the person I actually thought was the coolest one from the chat room…who was also pretending not to be a part of that group in the bar because they scared her, too! I know, it’s convoluted, but that’s how I roll.
I’ve now ‘evolved’ from the AOL chat room days to meeting new people on Twitter as a result of dying for some professional development. I’ve long stated that it’s really hard to make friends as a grownup, and luckily, meeting people online has mostly been a good experience for me. However, I still wish there was a grownup equivalent to walking up to someone and saying, “Hey, let’s go play!” like there was when I was little.
I’m excited to meet people IRL at HRevolution this year, because the people I’ve met on Twitter as part of the HR community have seemed so rad in so many cases. They’ve been cool enough to let this little bean counter tag along with them, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot from everyone. I’ve even been able to answer some accounting/finance questions for them along the way, which was really awesome.
I won’t be flying from SF-ORD and then hiding out at the bar too shy to talk to anyone. I will have my big girl pants on (and vodka tonic in hand) while I try to make new friends as a grownup. Sometimes you’ve got to take chances in life. You never know how it will turn out.
There is a grownup equivalent to walking up to someone and saying, “Hey, let’s go play!” It’s meetup.com. The only online part it arranging the dates and locations to go play.
Your pathway to Colleen is the best org chart EVER.
I met my best friend(s) and my partner through the power and glory of the Interwebz. The three most important people in my life, to be sure. It’s kind of like Wikipedia – you can’t get the whole experience just from going there, but it gives you a great introduction/starting point.
But I also have a close childhood friend (more of a brother) and a few close college friends and those are all Friend 1.0 relationships.
@Teresa – I am so with you on the it’s-hard-for-grownups-to-make-friends front. It’s not that there aren’t ways to network and socialize. But in HS and college there are intense life shifts happening that really bond people together, not unlike soldiers at war (lame metaphor but you get my point).
Laurie, we may only be friends online at the moment but (a) you’ve been wildly supportive of me & my goals in a more tangible way than many of my f2f friends. And (b) next time we’re in the same time zone? I’ll bring the M&M’s, you bring the cat photos.
PS – I wish I still had photos of my freshman year when I dyed my hair black. It was a five-alarm disaster and I looked like an unsquashed grape. My student ID had that hair PLUS a tie-dye T-shirt. At the risk of harming the environment I ***burned*** that ID years ago.
i enjoy social media for its ability to keep me close to people i am no longer geographically close to. it is a good place to plan fantastically crazy stuff to do on our next in person visits and to show pictures after.
online hr — this site specifically, — introduced me to a cousin i hadn’t seen in person since i was an admittedly horrible teenager (possibly purple hair at the time, most likely very red)… now i look forward to an opportunity to see them as an adult and try not to embarrass myself.
@Corey It’s weird how life works out, huh?
@Sharlyn Most people are impatient but I keep reminding myself that good things come to those who wait.
@Rick Lots of posts about opting out. It’s a trendy theme!
@Paul If it’s not random shit, it’s not worth doing.
@Ali Facebook and the internet have ignited more old flames…
@adowling Awesome. Minion is like the center of the awesome HR world, isn’t she??
@Minion Agreed. I think people meet you and fall in love with you. You are addictive.
@Amanda xoxoxo
@MattyMat I feel your pain. Being a single guy isn’t easy regardless of the venue.
@Hooligan We are overrated as a community. Also, I love how your horoscope made such a prediction. Keep us posted!
@Chris Now that you put it THAT way… hmmm…
@ken So true. So true.
@teresa OOOOOOH. Everyone at HREvolution is so open and wonderful. I’ll be there. Will be fun to chill with you!
@Suz Good tip.
@Patrick I feel the same way. I’ll smother you with love AFTER we meet IRL.
@Sarah Whoa, wait, are we cousins?? LOL, it’s such a small world. I’m glad you’re connecting with family. Your cousin is great, btw. A real nice man.
Great and insightful post! All to often we get lost in social media such as Twitter, Facebook, and blogs and forget to make those real connections. Thanks for the reminder to keep those I care about close and to make new friends the good old fashioned way, through shared experiences and not just tweets! Just stumbled upon this blog recently and really, really love it! Motivating! Can’t wait to keep reading!
Laurie,
I agree with the importance of making that face to face connection to “keep it real” with true friends. Wish you and I had more opportunity to do so!!! I also wish that there weren’t so many people who use facebook to communicate. I believe, if someone is really a friend, they can at least make the effort to find and use personal email addresses if they don’t have the time for a good phone call to keep in touch.
“@adowling Awesome. Minion is like the center of the awesome HR world, isn’t she??”
Yes, yes she is and I’m lucky to call her my friend.
I swear, Laurie… sometimes I wonder if google analytics is trapping my thoughts/quandaries and sending them to you. I just sent this link to a friend today- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1250074/Yes-internet-DOES-make-depressed-Ive-seen-happen-far-clever-women.html
I feel like my laptop is an extension of myself sometimes. I watch the news, read the news, job hunt, read books, do my shopping and banking… all online. So I’m on my stupid laptop enough as it is… let alone when I mosey on over to facebook and try to catch up with my friends. It’s exhausting.
I find that people who are the most active “in real life” are the least active online. And the people who become more active online, stop going out as much. A friend of mine recently fell into this trap… lost her job, sat at home and gained weight, outgrew her goin-out clothes… so she began canceling plans and socializing in her pajama pants on facebook instead. Her 10+ status updates a day did not make up for our bi-weekly outtings though, and we have since drifted apart. It’s a depressing cycle and surprisingly easy to get sucked into.
While the thought of going a week without internet access makes my eye twitch, I am taking a furlough from dear facebook. I’m tired of the fake friendships, the stupid status updates, and the madness. Take me back to 1999!
@JEss Whoa, I’m in good company!
@Lisa Amen. I’m not sure how people use FB to communicate, but sometimes my email address goes to spam and I *know* that someone will hear from me if I leave a FB message. So that’s how I use it. ((I know about our friendship — the distance — the phone — & I suck, it’s totally me. Can you believe it’s been a decade??))
@Amber Thanks!
The newness that you speak of fades with pretty much everything. I just always try to drill down on the things I find interesting on people. I totally realize the short shelf-life of most relationships, whether online or off, so when I discover someone truly worth knowing, by my own definition (this should be different for everyone), I really try to latch on. Not in a needy way, but in a way that says “I am interested in you, I appreciate you and I want to learn a lot more about you. Please stick around for a while if you can.”
Excellent Post Laurie. I think the false intimacy created by people online who feel like they really know you and your life can be a really interesting dynamic. The randomness and real stuff that gets talked about (and done) outside of the craziness of blogs, twitter and facebook is what really makes a friendship evolve into just that.