I listen to the BBC every night as I fall asleep.
I heard the following report.
The UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon has unveiled a renewed campaign opposing violence against women. He says about 70% of women experience some form of physical or sexual violence from men. Ban Ki-moon said men must teach each other that real men don’t violate or oppress women.
I applaud this effort, but I’ve been thinking about some of the women I know who have been affected by violence. These women are victims of men who are victims of other men. That’s right. Men who have experienced physical abuse, emotional abuse, or just general neglect by other men are abusing women (& young boys & weaker men) in a cycle that never seems to end.
So I really do support Ban Ki-moon’s effort, but I would like to talk about the male-on-male violence that creates some of the world’s most desperate situations — which ultimately impacts women.
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I’ve also been thinking about what makes a ‘great man’ — and most of the awesome men I know aren’t movie stars or world leaders. In fact, none of the great men I know are famous. They aren’t corporate leaders or members of the clergy, either. They are logistics managers, IT professionals, and franchise owner/operators. They drive trucks, make stuff, or run small businesses. The great guys I know are just normal guys who wake up, go to work, and live life with reasonable expectations.
Oh yeah — and all the great men I know don’t abuse women. Not one. Not ever.
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So how do you define a great man? Have you been influenced by a strong male role model in your life? Do you think Ban Ki-moon is nuts and that the UN can’t influence anything? Do you worry that the communist UN is about to swoop in with black helicopters and take away your guns?
I’d love to hear from you.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Globally we’ve got a tough gig ahead of us – too many cultural, religious and political environs still thrive where violence against both men and women is accepted as the normative way to control, to keep down. Unfortunately the UN’s plan, while important, may exacerbate more than help initially. I hope that’s not the case.
Closer to home, I grew up with two polar-opposite role models. First, my birth father was physically abusive to my mom, emotionally distant to my sister and me, and an alcoholic womanizing sonofabitch. Then when I was 12, my second step-father, a hard-nosed but soft-hearted police detective, became the father I never had and the man who taught me to own your actions. (This doesn’t take into account my first step-father who abused all of us in between, but that’s an anomaly for another time.)
1 out of 3 ain’t bad when you consider I modeled some of the bad for years – my 20′s were a wasteland, my 30′s were the transformation – until I finally took ownership of myself and my actions and the results of those actions. That was phase 1.
Phase 2 was when we had our daughter, Beatrice. It’s a whole different ballgame now and my personal mission is to help other men and fathers be personally responsible and elevate their behavior to self-respect, respect of others and non-violent reactions to life and loved ones.
Lot of friggin’ work to be done. But like you said, it’s already occurring all around us in varying socio-economic strata.
Amen.
Kevin — whoa, what a personal story. Thanks for sharing it. I love how you’ve had a daughter, too, and can teach her that she deserves more than some people (both men & women) can offer. I wish more men would stand up and take accountability for being leaders. When left up to the UN and Promise Keepers, we’re left with uneven results. http://www.promisekeepers.org/
It’s impossible for the UN or Promise Keepers to regulate an angry drunk man coming home and hitting his wife and kids on any given Tueday– nor a “Catholic Preist” sexually abusing and terrorizing 6 to 14 year olds in the back room of a church. And like Kevin said above– unfortunately, it’s accepted culturally for some reason I’ll never know. From what I know and have experienced, these individuals are great “apologizers”, but have no intention of changing– and until the victim can say with conviction “I’m sorry– but you’re going to prison.”, instead of the weaker “I love them, they’ll change one day.”, things will remain the same. My mother would have killed my father ninja style LONG before he raised a hand to her– and he knew it.
Very sobering topic. One that was somewhat discussed at the dinner table, this past Thursday, with drunken relatives. Big fish eat little fish. Daddy lions kill baby lions. Ignorant men with AIDS in Africa rape young girls to “cleanse” themselves. I need not go on…
This whole duality of humans…so capable of the very best, or the most horrific. I struggle with that a lot. I am also very aware of how fragile our realities are what with manufactured items such as legal rights, due process, electricity from the grid, etc. It could all be gone so quickly.
I often think all we can do is try our best to be these higher aspects of ourselves, for others to see, for us to recall in rough moments. I say prayers with my three kids, each night, and we almost always pray that we will “have love in our hearts” the next day. Gotta fight, to do all we can, to keep that love in our hearts.
Laurie, I take issue with your statement -
“These women are victims of men who are victims of other men. That’s right. Men who have experienced physical abuse, emotional abuse, or just general neglect by other men are abusing women (& young boys & weaker men) in a cycle that never seems to end.”
I was a victim of child abuse. I didn’t repeat the pattern with my children and I will accept no excuses from a man who passes on this hideous legacy. What difference does it make if it’s male on male violence or male on female violence? You have to make the choice to abuse someone in your care or someone just because you can. To me it is even more abhorrent that you would choose to abuse someone when you have been a victim yourself. In my opinion there are no excuses and no redemption for these abusers. Not in this life anyway.
The cycle can end if the choice to end it is made.
@MattyMat I hate the culture of apology and I want to kick these men in the face. I’m a big fan of your mom. Tough stuff.
@Dale Love in your heart is important. What do we do with these young boys who are at risk?
@Fran Many of us are victims — I’ve heard from so many readers, today, and I have my own private story. I agree that accountability is critical. No excuses. Zero tolerance. I merely wonder what we do in a culture where men pick on men? What do we do when those men pick on women? In America, I’d like to stop the cycle sooner than in the domestic/family courts. In Africa, we have men who are abused by institutional and political infrastructure and take those frustrations out on women. Do we arm the women? (Sometimes I say yes.)
So how do you define a great man? You ask and I answer – My brother. He is the ‘single-parent’ of 2 girls this year. Just for the year – as his wife, my incredible sister-in-law, is serving our Country in Iraq. He is caring for the house, paying bills, carpooling to soccer and dance class, helping with homework. He runs the house, cooked the Thanksgiving meal, writes birthday cards and thank you notes, and make sure his girls see a strong male role model. His bond with them this year will continue for years – as he has taught them patience, how to grieve/release emotion during times of stress and truly emulates what they need to know about men. Yeah, he watches football and sometimes doesn’t get why they fight over clothes. We need more men like this – and probably have more of them out there than we know of too.
We require a license and pass a test to drive a car. Why don’t we require taking a marriage class and passing a test before allowing individuals to get married? Or taking a parenting class and passing a test before you are allowed to be a parent? Very simplistic answer, I know, but it would certainly be a step in reducing many of these types of issues.
Laurie,
The most comforting point in my life came when I realized I was not alone in my shameful childhood. You confirm once again, by your own admission and all the responses you got today that I belong to a large community of victims. This fact alone makes it such a overwhelmling problem to solve.
I realize you asked a much broader question but I have a knee-jerk response to this subject. I believe that the cycle of violence and abuse against women and children in any culture will not end until the weaker ones have a voice. When the women are empowered and the children have advocates. That we may never be able accomplish this is sad for the whole world.
what makes a great man? i’ve been fortunate to have a lot of truly awesome men in my circle of friends and family. here are the traits they have in common:
honesty, fairness, loyalty, discipline, affection, sincerity, humor and lightness of heart, courage, decisiveness, generosity, forgiving, humility, compassion, consistency, reliability, respectfulness, curiosity, lovingness.
these traits also make a great woman, BTW.
I see no posts here from victims. I do see many posts from individuals who either declare or intimate that they are survivors of some form of abuse from another person. Each and every one of you is a courageous soul for sharing your story and for finding a noble path out of darkness.
As a counselor who specializes in helping people recover from emotional trauma, I have worked with many people who have experienced abuse. Men abused by men; women abused by men; children abused by men and women; etc. Many people who are victimized in their youth go on to harm others as they grow older. There are cultural as well as neurological reasons for this.
The brain changes when an individual experiences trauma. Aggression often is a symptom of unresolved trauma.
Does that mean that we should feel sorry for perpetrators and let them get away with hurting others? Absolutely not. Part of healing is accepting responsibility. But we can do more damage if we think the only way to deal with it is to throw someone in jail.
Laurie is absolutely right. We need to intervene early when child survivors have yet to develop entrenched behavior patterns around their pain. We need to draw attention to the needs of children who have been abused and we need to put more of a priority on the development of treatment programs to help them.
I am all about high profile campaigns to end violence towards anyone–men, women, children–anyone. But lets put some muscle behind the talk. Mental health treatment is the red haired stepchild of the health care system. I would like to see the UN Secretary General say something about changing that.
Bztat says, “Mental health treatment is the red haired stepchild of the health care system. I would like to see the UN Secretary General say something about changing that.”
AMEN Sister.
Considering some of the countries that are on or have been on the UN Human Rights Council, I would love to see the UN’s crack team on abuse.
Joe Jackson or OJ Simpson would be perfect candidates to chair this new UN team.
I would not worry about the UN swooping in. It is more focused upon creating committees and writing verbose reports.
@Josie. Whoa. That’s a great man. Thank you for sharing.
@akaBruno I’m okay on licensing as long as I don’t need a license to blog.
@col Amen. AMEN.
@Fran xoxoxo
@BZ I wonder if violence and abuse is the norm that we just don’t talk about. If 70% of women face abuse and violence, and many man are impacted by abuse, shouldn’t we be having a different conversation? What is it about human behavior that makes violence just so damn ordinary? What can we do, if anything, to change it?
@FrannyO When in doubt, consult BZ Tat. She is awesome.
@Salescomp Sometimes the UN does great things — like appoints actresses to important commissions.
@Laurie–Among many other things, I think that we should make the conversation about health and safety. We tend to make the conversation about domestic/community violence a moral issue rather than one about health and safety, which tends to diminish it to expressions of outrage, lament and unsubstantiated opinion. Not a good basis for effective strategies for a public health problem.
There is new science coming out every day about how the experience of extreme fear (trauma) affects the neuro-functioning of the body. Trigger-happy aggression is a common reaction to the experience of emotional trauma. We need more research (lets stop funding Big Pharma’s cash cow Bipolar Disorder and start funding research for PTSD), and we need to get the findings into the hands of clinicians and policy makers. We need to prioritize treatment in tandem with accountability measures so that prosecutions and incarcerations become more effective. We need to treat child victims with effective treatment models before their behavioral adjustments to trauma do not become entrenched habitual patterns.
And we need to make mental health treatment a bigger priority in the health care system.
There’s so much more. Don’t get me started…