Have you ever noticed how family members have a way of communicating that cuts to the chase?
I hate that.
Here are some of these things said to me by relatives, in-laws, and strange people who show up at my family events.
- If a company can’t accept me for who I am, I don’t want to work there. Do I look like I just fell off the pumpkin truck? You don’t want to work anywhere.
- I need to earn more than $7.25/hr. Because earning no money is better than some money? (*Frank Roche once said this. I can’t find the post or comment but I know he said it more succinctly.)
- If I take a smaller job, it will set me back in my career. Where is your career going when you are jobless?
- No one wants to hire me because I’m white/male/female/tall/short/skinny/fat. No, no one wants to hire you because you’re an asshole.
- I don’t want to take a part-time job because it will eat away from my full-time job search. There are 24 hours in the day, bub. Use them.
- I want my summer. Yeah, but your Mom wants you to move out of the house.
- I’m not like you, Laurie. You’re not like me? Really? We were raised in the same broke-ass dysfunctional family.
- I need to find a husband. This isn’t 1953 and no man wants what you have to offer.
- I studied too long & hard in school to take a job outside my area of expertise. Have you considered the fact that your area of expertise doesn’t need experts, right now?
I’m only one of the top HR and career bloggers in America. What the hell do I know?
If your family is like mine, I feel your pain. I think some of this is rationalization. Making excuses is the way we protect ourselves when we expect rejection — and this job market has done nothing but reject the ‘traditional worker’.
I wish my family members (& yours) would stop talking and try something new. It would be better than what they’re doing right now.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
oh my goodness–I am cracking up at your “we were raised in the same broke-ass dysfunctional family” comment.
are you sure you and I aren’t related? Because that sounds like my family
@lorraine We might be related!!
As the old saying goes, you can choose your friends, but not your family – right? I happen to have a large family, and I think every family is like what you wrote about above. Here’s to family!!!
@brenda You are kinder than I am.
I have heard every single one of these at one point or another from my over-educated unemployed grad school friends. “I need to earn more…” is probably most common, followed by waxing poetic about their expertise. New flash: you need to pay you bills (including those student loans). I think it reveals a lot about these folks upper class academic elitism (which they try to deny by discussing justice and equality in classrooms) that they feel they’re too good to take a job that pays minimum wage. Or even an adjunct position at a community college.
@meg Don’t you just want to strangle some of these people? It’s so unreal.
My favorite came from my mother; “your father was unemployed at the exact same time in his life as you are right now”. Like that is supposed to be right, fair or even historical!
@Jim Your mom — she’s just trying to help, right? Random, though.
I got my first Master’s Degree in 1985. Subsequently, I worked in an art supply store, a college bookstore and a sign shop–all minimum wage jobs. My first “real job” was as a crisis counselor (for which I had no credentials) which led me to pursue my second Master’s Degree and a career in counseling.
Those jobs sucked. But they paid the bills and they helped me build character. I survived and persevered. And I never lost a good job because I was willing to accept a sucky one in the meantime.
As a counselor, I have worked with people who are on the lower rungs of socioeconomic status. These are the people who conservatives like to bemoan as the people who mooch off of the system. My experience is that these people want to work, and when they can, they do. They are willing to do the crappiest jobs and put up with horrible conditions and treatment. They do it because they need the money and because working is important to them.
So the “I’m too good to do that” rationalization crap doesn’t sit too well with me.
@BZ BAM. From the expert.
Are saying that this job market has been in the tank for decades?
I have been hearing this type of crap from relatives and relatives of friends since I have been a kid. The circle of excuse makers further expanded after I became married.
@sales Ugh, you are so right.
Let’s flip this around for a minute. When I was out of work last year, I got told by both my mom AND hubby that I was “off” from work – as if it were a planned extended vacation! They made it sound like I was having fun. That was pretty frustrating, too, since it wasn’t like I was sitting around eating bon-bons and watching soaps on tv all day. I had a part-time retail job (thank God) and tackled a bunch of projects around the house that never got done on the weekends when I was working full-time. Even when I did have spare time, I didn’t have the money (being unemployed and all) to actually go and do anything.
@Amy Whoa, that is frustrating. I’m only disappointed you didn’t take advantage of the lower expectations and eat some bon-bons.
“Have you considered that your area of expertise doesn’t need experts right now?” Awesome. This one’s my favourite.
I’ve also noticed that people who don’t want to take a job outside their “expertise” often mistake their area of “interest” for their area of “expertise”. So you took a BA in the subject? Maybe even a couple of supplementary night classes? Sorry, you’re no more an expert than the 500 000 other people who did EXACTLY THE SAME THING. Get ten years experience and some big clients, then you’ll be an expert. And get started on getting those things by just getting ANY job and paying your dues.
@Ian Well said. Thanks!
Not rationalizing. After many years in engineering I was a bank teller. According to the bank’s traditional hiring model I was over qualified. However, they wanted someone to work weekends as they went to a 7-day schedule. Starting off with senior status I was the head weekend teller. I viewed the experience as getting paid to learn first-line customer service and get benefits. And unlike many engineering jobs, the people I served were happy. I gave them money.
When an engineering job became available in a manufacturing plant (via spouse, but that is another story) I was initially deemed “overqualified.” I had “too many years of software experience”. In the phone screen I countered this with, “I’m working as a bank teller, I am NOT overqualified.”
The interview was many years ago and I was hired as the engineer. I have had increasing responsibility in engineering, marketing (web, advertising), manufacturing, QA, etc. Showing you are willing to do A job counts for a lot. And the bank customer service experience does help.
@HH Spouse Showing you are willing to do A job counts for a lot. That is so awesome and perfect.
Put yourself out there and go through it and make something happen, not dink around it or behind it.
That’s straight from my dad’s mouth in a clean way. He would appreciate bullet point number 4.
@Kevin Your dad rocks!
Call it rationalization if you’re not interested in the person but it’s primarily about fear (or FEAR). When someone offers you one of these “rationalizations”, lean in closer and ask in a soft and sincere voice, “Please tell me what you’re afraid of?”
@Steve Naw, I’m sick of leaning and addressing the fear. I don’t care, anymore. We’re all scared. Get back to work, family members.
Word! I interviewed a candidate a couple days ago, who is working at Starbucks and volunteering in a senior care facility until she can get back into her field. Doing something to get off the dole and contribute to society! This made her extra fabulous in the interview. Write it down, nerds.
Sure, there are some completely dead job markets (hello, Detroit), but if the market isn’t dead (which is certainly isn’t where my relatives live) get off your ass already. And even if it is dead, volunteer!!
Admittedly, the part-time work is tricky since you do earn more money on full unemployment than working part-time since the p/t deduction is pretty high. At least that’s the case where I live, so there isn’t much incentive to take a part-time job.
@H Aria Wait, I want to hire that candidate. She sounds great. Also, there isn’t much happening in Detroit. I’m with you.
Re: I need to earn more.
Flash back to 1985, I’m 17 working at McDonald’s. It’s my third day of my first real job. It’s lunch rush, and I’m out mopping floors and clearing tables because nobody has time to train me. I had just learned a valuable lesson about leaning over the mop bucket when wringing the mop because my hand had slipped, letting the spring-loaded wringer handle fly up and whack my right testicle in a pain that I can remember to this day. Poor little me was miserable.
My dad shows up for lunch, and as I bring my mop by his table, he says “How’s it going Andy?” I look at him with tears in my eyes, saying in my best teenage dramatic voice, “They don’t PAY ME ENOUGH to do this shit!” He says “Yes, they do. They’re paying you minimum wage.”
A light clicked. He was exactly right. Ya gotta start somewhere.
And in times like these, where you might have been laid off or fired and have to build your way back up, that $7.25 may just be starting over somewhere.
@Andy Wow, your dad was right. Also, I’m laughing about the DRAMA of a teen-age job. Those jobs always suck.
Laurie – this is a perfect post. I convinced you know my family. There are so many times I have to remind a family member that this is what I do — but I think it’s very hard for people who have known someone since they had pink hair or shut you in the trundle bed to see you in any sort of professional capacity. I know you don’t want to prepare to answer questions before an interview — but I can almost guarantee that you will be asked to THINK in the interview and it helps if you’ve gotten ready. I also know you don’t want to qualify the time you’ve spent unemployed, — but I know damn well that if an interviewer learns you’ve built a bad-ass farmville collection it isn’t going to impress them. I’m not just saying that to get back at you for scaring me so much about Bloody Mary that I am still aware of mirror placement. And really, I am the one that dropped you on your head, so I’m still trying to make up for that by doing whatever I can to get you out of this miserable situation.
@sarah Speaking of Farmville, I don’t know how some of my family members build these ginormous farms. I’m like, are you paying for this stuff? Second question: where the hell are you getting the credit?
Your second bullet point should be tattooed on the foreheads of the Chicago aldermen that are trying to block Wal-Mart from coming to Chicago, especially in low-income, high unemployment neighborhoods cause they are only offering a starting rate of 8.75 an hour…the unions have convinced those meatheads that that is not a “living wage”. Sure is better than minimum wage or nothing….freakin’ idiots.
@Jk I dunno about Walmart, dude. They’ll create jobs and decimate some of the smaller women & minority-owned businesses on the south & west side. I’m worried. I don’t care about the wages. I care about the impact of walmarts all over that town.
Like when my mom (who has only ever had 1 office-setting job in her life) ‘reminded’ me that I should make sure to not have the kids running around the house during a phone interview – Really, ya’ think?!
@Lisa Everyone’s an expert. Even yo’ mom.
My family stopped talking smack after my 9th career change— and just labeled me “The Nomad” — more specific, a “peripatetic nomad”. I like that.
I just tell them– “See ya on Turkey Day– I’ll bring the rolls and diet Pepsi–! …and don’t bother asking, either!” lol
@MattyMat Wow, you see your family more than I do.
Some people get stuck in Victim mode, and when they do, it’s hard for some to get out of it – they’re getting something, some sort of reward for being there.
You can tell the difference between a victim, and one who is not – their negativity, their justifications, their rationalizations just oooze out of them. They’re tough to be around, tough to support. In the end, most of us wind up leaving them to fend for themselves.
This doesn’t include, of course, situations where circumstances have created a situation with limited options (someone mentioned Detroit). But how you handle those limited options says boatloads about you as a person.
@barney I think character is so important — and people show their true colors at the times when they face adversity.
Alright – Detroiter here (suburbs, but we are all in this together) and I’d like the Punk Rock HR record to note that we are not dead! There is life, there are jobs, we even still have open restaurants and boats on the lakes. We’re loyal (we actually want to live here and stay close to our dysfuntional families,) and we love our sports teams. Yes, there are less opportunities than there once were and you get the same sense of entitlement you get elsewhere. Job seekers are too quick to play the victim and don’t take ownership over their job search, lack of or abundance of experience as it relates to their options. At the same time, job searching is tough – we’ve created a culture that intertwines your profession with your self-worth. People feel like their job defines them and start rationalizing what they won’t do like this very post states. So let’s get back to working for works sake, because it puts food on the table and pays your rent/mortgage. You can go back to being who you want to be after 5 ish. And as an employer, I’ll start thinking outside the box, too, and quit defining you by your most recent job title.
@Fletch Hey, I just sold a home in Kalamazoo after 20 months on the market. I like Michigan. Tough market. Also, great comment. Thanks.
My favourite “family fact” is to get a qualification you can fall back on. I’m not sure how easy it would be to go back to something you never used 15 years ago, but this is a cliche that gets trotted out all the time.
@Karalyn My Nana told me I should be a teacher. We always need teaching jobs. Hm.
Totally makes sense. I had a job waiting tables to float me until I got my “career” job. Doing the side, seemingly pointless part time jobs could help open a door somewhere else (as I found). Had a roommate that didn’t work for a year. Got offered positions, not in his field but well-paying spots, and turned them down. Stupid.
This is spectacular. The refusal to take a part-time job under the guise that one needs “full-time” to search makes me want to scream. Yes, let’s take a look at your day, Mr. or Ms. “Full-Time Searcher.” I’m going to guess that at least 4 hours of each day of this “full-time hunt” includes such action items as: a) Read People magazine, b) Update FB status 17 times, c) Doritos. Lots of Doritos, d) loiter at Walgreens, e) download 32 itunes songs, f) Play Words with Friends on your iphone (OK, I’m guilty on this one)… Well-written post. Loved it!