My job is awesome. I get on a plane, travel across the country, and speak to employees, executive leaders, and job seekers. I talk about technology, social media, and how HR really sucks when it comes to hiring and retaining smart people.
HR won’t stop sucking any time soon, so my job is very secure.
Unfortunately, the holiday season is almost here. Airports will be chocked full of dysfunctional families, crabby senior citizens who don’t like escalators, and over-stimulated toddlers with ear infections. I normally tweet about the universal travel rules. Basic stuff. On a moving walkway, you walk on the left and stand on the right and keep your head out of your ass.
Here are a few more tips to help you travel like the super-platinum, ultra privileged, frequent flier champ that you are.
- Please don’t try to bring everything you own onto the plane in a single, carry on bag. I know we are in a recession and some airlines charge fees when you check luggage. Unfortunately, it looks tres gauche when you pack your entire wardrobe and holiday gifts into one simple bag. If you are attempting to avoid fees and surcharges, choose wisely when you book a flight. If we don’t fly on airlines that charge us to check our luggage, those airlines will go out of business. That’s the power of the marketplace. Here is another piece of advice: we have this thing called The Post Office. They will ship stuff for you, and it’s a nice alternative to hauling cookies and presents to Gramma’s house for Thanksgiving. When in doubt, ship it.
- Wear the most comfortable clothing you own on the flight. Can we get some perspective? This isn’t fashion week in New York City. It’s a flight from Ohio to Florida. You can wear yoga pants, track pants, or anything soft and forgiving. Just remember that the airline seats are hard, the planes are never properly heated or cooled, and you will be delayed. Dress for comfort because tight jeans, clunky shoes, and ill-fitting underwear will make you cranky.
- Use your inside voice in the airport and on planes. I am always amazed when I sit on a plane and hear conversations about jobs, husbands, and children but I never actually see the women who are talking. I know you are excited about traveling. It’s fun. You very rarely get time away from the kids and you can’t wait to talk to your friends. Enjoy yourself, of course, but remember that you will never be able to talk over the roar of an airplane engine. Don’t compete with it—you’ll just give yourself a headache. Use the time on the plane to rest, catch up on a book, or read the newspaper. Please stop talking about your never-ending pile of laundry, your stupid boss, or your lazy-ass husband. No one wants to hear it.
- Don’t even think about hassling TSA. They will ask you to do the usual, which includes removing your shoes, your belt, and your jacket. Unfortunately, they might make up new rules on the spot. For example, a TSA agent at LaGuardia told me that I had to take off my sweater before entering the security screening area because it had a hood. When I asked him if Al Qaeda used hoodies as a weapon, he rolled his eyes and handed me a comment card. Believe me when I tell you that arguing with TSA is like pissing into the wind. Just go with the flow and reserve your complaints for the politicians who enacted the PATRIOT ACT. The guy making $12 hour at the security checkpoint didn’t bestow this nonsense upon this country and he doesn’t care. You can’t fight that kind of mediocrity. You will never win. Don’t even try.
Have your own #utrPRHR? Tweet about it and I’ll retweet it. What’s your best travel advice? What’s one thing you recommend for everyone at the airport? Leave it in the comments and we’ll keep a list of the Universal Travel Rules for the suckers who just can’t get holidays right.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
My two most important universal travel rules are (and I experience both consistently):
1. Hey person behind me – stop using my seats as a pull up bar. They have these things called arm rests – use them! I do not want my seat, and me with it, to be pulled back three feet as you get up for the 42nd time to go to the bathroom.
2. Hey person in the 17th row. I’m sorry you weren’t able to sit in the 8th row. However, that doesn’t mean you get to run up 9 rows when the plane lands and clog up the aisle as we try to deplane. We all have places to go!
I very rarely travel (which sucks, because I want to), but I agree with all of these for the most part.
I am guilty of trying to bring everything with me in carry-on, but I also try to pack as light as possible so that I ideally can get by with just my suitcase (I ship things when I can, like you mentioned). I don’t like waiting to pick up my bags, assuming they even get to the airport, and no way am I going to pay extra money to check them if I don’t have to. If the airlines can’t survive without having to charge for these things, and we can’t get by without airlines, we should just nationalize them already and be done with it.
As for comfortable clothing, I agree. If this were forty years ago and air travel was still classy and comfortable, I’d say looking presentable would be more important, but if it is going to be a Greyhound with wings, then people should wear what they want.
Here are the first three that come to mind about air travel:
When waiting at the gate don’t put your stuff on the seat next to you, so no one will sit next to you, especially if it is full flight. You are getting on a plane, so you might as well get used to being in cramped quarters.
Speaking of cramped quarters, unless you are Shaq O’Neil, you don’t need more space than is allocated to you on the plane. Give me back my armrest; fold your newspaper in half and don’t keep “accidentally” bumping my feet, just so I will move them for you to have more space.
Be aware that there is someone sitting in the seat attached to your tray table. Don’t bang on it like a baby in a high chair, unless you are a baby of course.
To the person in front of me — if your seat is far enough back so that I feel like I’m about to clean your teeth –don’t be surprised if I need to use it as a pull-up bar — I have no other options… and, if you’re 4ft 6, you don’t need to put the seat all the way back. Tall folks, sure — but if you can curl up in the seat, give me some space..
To the parents– see above about bringing everything you own on-board… pack light, but don’t forget something for your kids to do. Kicking my seat, pulling my hair and asking the same four questions of me on a 4 hour flight to Disney isn’t “something to do”. Also, for the love of God — please don’t use the ‘experienced travel line’ at TSA… that’s for those of us who have a couple of bags.
To those of you who requested window seats — you should get on the plane as early as possible — so you don’t need to climb over me at the last minute. I requested an aisle seat — so I can get on later.
Don’t even *think* about bringing infants and small children on a red-eye.
Here are a couple that I feel are gospel:
1. The day you are traveling – shower. You become desensitized you your own stink over time, I don’t have that luxury. Also, a double pit to chesty doesn’t cut it as a substitute for a shower.
2. Pee before you get on the plane. Listen newbies the flight will begin with the flight attendents wheeling a cart up and down the aisle, you can’t sneak past it, so do yourself a favor and do what your mom told you to do before long trips and pee.
3. The flight attendents aren’t your servants. They have a job to do, and it doesn’t involve being treated rudely by you.
4. It’s fine to bring snacks on the plane, but let’s try to stay as smell neutral as possible.
5. No I won’t trade seats with you.
6. Gate check, gate check, gate check. This is so simple. It takes two minutes to get your crap once you get off the plane, it’s way easier than fighting for overhead space.
7. We exit front to back, not the otherway around. Unless you have a life to save, you are never justified in sprinting from the rear of the plane to the door once it lands.
If I’m stuck in the middle, I deserve at least one @#$% armrest. Use the one that doesn’t involve pressing your upper arm against mine.
5. No I won’t trade seats with you.
Hahaha!
Yes. That includes even you, Mr 6’7″ guy who is smart enough to have a PhD in math but didn’t have the sense to ask for the aisle seat when he made his reservation. Don’t try that, “Oh that’s OK – you can just move over” trick with me when I’m already in the aisle seat. I might not have a PhD but I am not stupid. I’ll get up and let you in.
I don’t care what backwater country or sh!thole town you originated from take a damn shower.
If your are future star of the biggest loser cover up! Spandex should be reserved for people who actually go to the gym 22 times a week, the rest of us should cover up.
If you cannot afford $15 maybe you should be hitchhiking or on a greyhound bus. Either way please stop arguing with the ticket agent we all have issues to resolve.
I will trade seats with you if your in first class or have a ton of cash, I planned ahead and don’t care if your split up.
People who travel with young children, and the apes who work for TSA, have a special place in hell reserved for them.
Amen to all of these! I really, REALLY hate it when men expect I will trade my aisle seat for their middle seat. Unless you are Clive Owen or my husband, I’m not giving up my aisle seat just because I’m shorter than you. I’ve paid my dues being stuck in the middle while flying stand-by when my booked flights were canceled for various weather or mechanical reasons. We all have to be middle seaters from time to time.
I cringe when I see anyone boarding the flight with a Chilis Too bag in their hands. You couldn’t live with a turkey sandwich instead?
Oh, and crowding up behind me on the jetway won’t make the line move faster. It just makes you kinda pervy.
My favorite is when people continually smack others in the head with their shoulder bags or when stowing their carry-ons. Didn’t yo mama ever teach you how to apologize? I understand that we all have little room to maneuver, but at least say you’re sorry when you assault others when your carry-ons!
Please, please, please. Do not bring McDonalds french fries with you onto the plane. If there’s one thing worse that sitting in a small, hard seat with no knee room, it’s sitting in a small hard seat with no knee room trapped in the smell of rancid grease. And they guy with the iPod — did you know you’re singing along OUT LOUD?
As a weekly traveler, 19 of my top 20 pet peeves involve infrequent flyers and arrogant business travelers.
I completely agree that you will never get my aisle seat. FU. I plan in advance, I have the “elite status” to choose an aisle seat because my company forks over thousands of dollars in airline fees for me to do my job. I’m not “moving over” or taking your nice window seat so I can look out….I’ve seen it all, I’ve been flying since 1994.
I could write a novel here, but I won’t.
If I were the BOSS of air travel…my number one rule would be:
If your ass will not fit into one seat, you must purchase two.
I pay for a whole seat – I hate it when someone’s ass takes up their seat, comes up under the arm rest and takes half of mine.
I will lobby and vote for charging people with a two-seat wide ass for two seats for said ass. I am also a proponent of charging for air travel according to a person’s weight.
And I never claimed to be politically correct.
hard boiled eggs are not appropriate snack items for airplanes.
i had the unfortunate luck of sitting next to someone who did not understand this.
1. Fresh undies, please. And avoid overwhelming fragrances.
2. Say no to stinky food – this does include any kind of fish except sushi.
3. Be nice to your kids – plan at least 6 in-seat activities (with minimal space toys/implements) that are quiet. No, the airline won’t do this for you.
4. If your kids are sick, do us all a favor and keep ‘em home.
5. Turn Japanese. In Japan, with very limited transport space, people go quiet and internal – do us a favor and put yourself on minimize.
6. Don’t take a sleeping pill while sitting on the aisle and block my ability to get to the bathroom.
7. Leave your recreational drugs at home – I’m not interested.
Rules that might change the Rules:
All adults traveling with Children under 10 will be charged one dollar for every minute their frog screams during the flight. We don’t want you thrown off just pay for the little bastard’s noise or tranqualize it before you board. Medical science can address behavior problems better than most parents.
On your way to Sunshine Recovery ..great, glad you are going. Please take one more hit to get us all through the flight. Withdrawals are not pretty to watch. You made it this long in a drug haze or booze soup, what’s a few more hours. They will either fix you or not after we land. All passangers heading to rehab will be required to sit at the back of the plane just in front of the parents with screaming children. That should quell your desire to procreate. We don’t need anymore of you. Thank you very much.
Anyone bumping my behind in the line will get it in the gonads. Got it, good. Meeting mother bent over holding your privates will convince her that you have not grown up. Butt Bumpers will be sent to the back of the line to start over. You will be behind those headed to rehap. They don’t care.
@akabruno Amen, my friend. Afreakinmen.
@Tim I remember the first time I flew. I was 10. My mom made me wear a dress. Those days are gone.
@pasmuz All good advice. Why are we all fighting over such a small piece of real estate. Really, the armrest is overrated.
@Philosopher Hey I’m a shorty & I recline back. Crap, I’m an offender!
@econopete Hate, hate, hate those people.
@Puf OMG, this is a blog post for you. All gold. All true.
@Averagejane You deserve more than that. How about extra peanuts?
@Class You are evil. Muahahahahahahaha.
@JohnC Spandex should be illegal unless it’s in my underwear to make it more stretchy.
@H.Aria I want to know — who really eats at Chillis Too? That shit is gross, yo.
@Steven McDonalds fries only smell good when you’re eating them.
@Donlyn You are not politically correct. Let me ask: why do airlines think it’s okay to reduce the size of seats? We’re not getting smaller as a population. Seems unfair and unethical to me.
@Lisa What? Gross.
@Marsha 5. Turn Japanese. In Japan, with very limited transport space, people go quiet and internal – do us a favor and put yourself on minimize Whoa, love this.
@RecruitingMaven I’ve been on that flight to PHX with a woman on her way to recovery. Sad. Scary. Please. Just one more drink!
I hate flying. HATE IT. So I don’t appreciate when the guy next to me tries to strike up a conversation. I think to myself…”Can’t you see how much I’m sweating? I am two seconds away from having a panic attack”. Not to mention that I just took drugs to make me semi-not-scared-to-death. I am just one of those people. So please, don’t try to talk to me—-or tell me your plane horror stories about how the last plane you were on almost crashed—that guy is just an asshole.
@RecruitingMaven – I have flown twice with addicts headed to recovery. I must admit you are right haha. I was an experience I hope to never repeat.
I dont have a lot of issues with flying, I enjoy it. Go ahead, call me a weirdo. My biggest issue though is with people that smell and feel the need to sit by me. Most recently, on a flight from Birmingham to St Louis, a dude the must have rolled around in his ashtray and used Budlight for deodorant sat down next to me on a Southwest flight. Gross. I’m one of those people that pulls out the iPhone with headphones as soon as my ass hits the chair. I never hear the baby crying or the loud talker or the dude trying to talk to me. As long as I dont have to smell you and you dont touch me (at all), we’re cool.
My biggest plane pet peeves..
-When the plane is still rolling to a stop, everyone feels the need to stand up and hover while reaching to touch overhead baggage…. You look uncomfortable and you’re making me antsy- sit down and chill out, dude.
- People who are unaware of their ability to adjust the sound on their laptop/device. On my last flight, I had to listen to the woman in front of me play Bejeweled for nearly 2 hours. The rest of the plane was quiet, except for her “bing”.. “bingbing bing”……..”bing”….”ding”. AHHHHHH!!! When myself and two others asked her to please turn off/down the sound, she sheepishly grinned and said, “oh I dont think I can turn it down”.
Argh!
@InkedHR I used to be afraid of flying until I was the HR Manager for the pilots at Pfizer. They let me sit in the cockpit during takeoff and landing (shhhh) and really helped me with my fears. Also, ativan helps.
@adowling I’ve never smoked. If I get lung cancer, it will be from sitting next to one of those dudes on a plane.
@Jessica #1 Yes. #2 Yes. Boy you are 100% tonight!
I only fly once a year or so, so I get super excited about it. Excited is often chatty, so…uh, sorry. But I pick up on “don’t talk to me” signals, like headphones, closed eyes and open books.
But people that don’t know how to use escalators plague my daily commute. It’s really F***ing simple, people: hand hover, step, then grab. And for the love of left handed jesus do not stop moving the instant you get off: the tiles behind you keep dumping people off, INTO YOU if you stand there with your thumb in your ear.
And lady with a stroller? Kid out, Elevators to the left, or Child Protective Services for you. No exceptions. Giant Jogging Stroller? Elevator only, Kthxbubbuy.
@JustVikki I would get excited, too. Traveling can be fun. People get in the way of the fun, though.
Let’s not forget car travel:
1. If you are in the left hand lane and not driving at least 5 mph over the speed limit, get out of the way and don’t make me pass on the right.
2. Don’t be the schmuck who waits until the last second to merge onto an exit, or merge into reduced lanes when there are construction. If there is a backup/delay, and you are bypassing all those people who are waiting in line, I am not letting you in.
So I’ll admit it: I love to travel. Even with the state of the airline industry, I’m a travel junky. But because I’ve been a frequent traveller since about 1995 and at the elite level since then, I don’t have to deal with a lot of what you have described.
However. TSA needs to do a couple of things:
1) set up an infrequent traveler line at the security check points. Don’t understand the 3 ounce/1 quart plastic bag drill? Over to the infrequent traveliner line at once. “Do I really have to take off my shoes, belt, jacket, etc.?” Off to the infrquent traveler line for you, too. 2) set up a family line at the security check point. Strollers? Family line. Kids in diapers? Family line. Dad can’t find all 5 boarding passes for the wife and 3 kids? Family line. Let those two groups of travelers hold each other up and let those of us who know what we’re dong and have the check point line dance down to a science get on with it.
I’d even go as far as having family sections on airplanes — and I do not mean the first 4 rows behind the bulkhead — I mean the last 4 rows of the airplane! That would let the rest of us get our work done, read, sleep after our long work day, or have quiet, appropriate conversations with our seatmates.
I really do love to travel. Because there’s always someone interesting (or in my current situation LOTS of interesting someones) at the other end. If we could just work out this security check point thing it would be wonderful!
I read through all of these and saw one that was missing.
How about the schmuck who has a seat in the back puts his luggage in a compartment in the front, so when I, who received my seat assignment in advance, board the plane have to put my luggage in the back because the front compartments are all full and then watch the schmuck pass me while grabbing his luggage above me while exiting the plane because I can’t get to the back to grab my luggage with everyone standing in the aisle. Ahh. I know that was a huge run-on sentence, but I needed to get it all out in one breath! I just want to trip those people!
@akaBruno OMG, that’s a whole new hashtag!
@China I know, I know. I love to travel, too. I don’t blame TSA. I blame people who can’t get on the TSA website before traveling to get informed.
@Tina Snap that’s a good one!
oh yes to all of these…many times over! From the rudeness to other passengers to treating the flight attendants like servants to screaming kids old enough to know better. We need to have a buzzer go off when someone puts their luggage in the first slots and then walks more than two rows away from it…put the luggage near your own seat! AND be nice, be polite to everyone!
I’ve got to say, this is the funniest one-liner by @JohnC.
People who travel with young children, and the apes who work for TSA, have a special place in hell reserved for them.
How about free nametags that say “I am actually a nice guy, but I don’t want to talk.”
and
Watch the extra cologne. This is for you Gen y guys who think more is better. It’s not.