This guy needs your help, people.
I work in a small office. There’s about 6 people that work in this office, and I work in one room with another employee that I can’t stand. We get along fine on paper because I know how to keep my mouth shut — and I am a friendly, lively, funny person that most people appreciate. This person I work with has no friends, has a weird view of the world, is constantly talking about topics as if he’s the authority on everything, is constantly wanting to talk to me about personal things that are happening to me, goes on and on about his kids and financial problems, wants to hang out with me — and has started to touch me — like hands on shoulders, etc. like he’s my buddy or something. I see this person — I cringe. I’ve taken to wearing earphones (music playing or not) or just backing out of the room (bathroom or smoke break) whenever this person get’s on his soapbox and won’t shut the hell up.
From an HR perspective, what’s a good way of dealing with this sort of person in the workplace? Any magic words that have worked in the past??
I want to poll the PRHR community. What does everyone think? How should the guy with the weird coworker handle this situation? Have you dealt with this situation personally?
I think there are two ways to deal with this.
- The Cesar Millan way, which involves being clear & direct with your coworker. Look at his behavior, determine what’s inappropriate, and tell him to stop. No discussion. No negotiation. Be kind, be clear, and be timely.
- The Toby way, which involves being all passive-aggressive and asking Human Resources to intervene.
I always go with Cesar Millan. Be calm-assertive at work.
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
…or you can take the subversive route, and start playing passive aggressive head games and pranks with him. Not always the best way to go, but it sure can be entertaining.
Speaking only from my own experience….being clear, calm and direct in a no-nonsense way is the way to start. This type of person is sometimes very “thick” (NJ word). They are oblivious to signals and direct words from other people. If they had an antenna they probably wouldn’t be as obnoxiously in-your-face as they are. Cesar Millan has the luxury of working with receptive dogs, most without deep psychological problems.
After the first step fails, which it will, go to HR. Chances are very good this person is already on the most un-wanted list. Not too much HR can do except be clear, calm and direct with the individual. When it doesn’t work for them, which it won’t, you go to the next step, whatever that may be for you. In my case I ended up leaving the job. I know, not fair and much easier in a good economy.
This is not really very helpful for this poor guy is it? Hopefully, someone without the need to get out before they physically harm the person will be able to offer some good advice.
I’ve occasionally gone with the Toby way, but only when absolutely certain that it could work. The problem with this method is (or can be) that if it’s ineffective, you can be seen as part of the problem (if management has to be involved later on). Worse, if the annoying co-worker takes offense at your behaviour, you can become the bad guy. Again if management winds up being involved, you’ll have to defend your actions, and well-he-started-it as a defense isn’t going to reflect well on you.
Which is why I go with the Cesar Millan way about 90% of the time. Even if it makes matters worse at first, if you remain calm and polite, you can usually work through it. (And if management gets involved, you can present how you wish to resolve the conflict.)
Of course, if the weird co-worker is a complete psychopath, there’s probably not much that can be done…
Ahh…the oddball co-worker. I would agree that the first line of defense would be to be staright forward. Tell him you are not a touchy-feely type and are uncomfortable with the touching etc. Also, make it clear that it is difficult for you to get your work done with so many off topic discussions.
If that doesn’t work, which sounds like it could be a possibility, you may want to go to your (hopefully) competent HR person. I’ve had to have a conversation like this (as part of a disciplinary meeting) and the ONLY thing that got though was this:
Perception is Truth. There is a perception in the office that you are hard to work/talk with. You can give examples like he goes on about topics like he is the authority etc. I’d say something to the effect of “while I am sure you are well meaning and simply want to make friends at work, you are coming off as a little too eager”. Step back, observe how the rest of the office interacts and then interject at the appropriate time, with smaller comments. And while you may not think you are acting this way, this is what is Perceived – and in everyone else’s mind – that’s the truth.
Not the easiest conversation, but can work.
Then again, if he really is a psycho, I think the Toby path may just be the way to go. Ask your boss/HR if you can move to a new spot when one opens up. Than you can let some other poor sap deal with him.
If the person is not a fan of confrontation; I recommend documentation. I have a co-worker that used to invade my space/time/generally annoy me. I changed my body language towards her and changed the course of our conversations. You feel like you are coming off as a bitch at first, but most of the time people will give up and stop trying to be friends with you. I also think all instances that make him uncomfortable, uneasy—whatever should be documented. Because it is REALLY hard to go to your boss and say “Bob has been freaking me out” and then your boss will say “Can you give me some examples…”. Been there. Done that. DOC-U-MENT.
Be direct….Otherwise he won’t stop…
M
Guy on airplane last week powers up his BBerry while we are on our descent into Seattle. We are at 10,000 feet still, a good few minutes from a runway.
Know this, I am cool with all the crack-addicts and their booting up their phones the second we touch ground and start our taxi, hell, I do it myself. But this guy is different, we are still majorly in the air, and he is like texting and web roaming and going at it.
So, I look at him with my best Marine Corps I am gonna kick your ass face, and say: Turn it off. I sort of growled it, Clint Eastwood style. No pinging the flight attendant button, no going to HR.
Deal with this bozo directly, and firmly. You should not have to endure his behavior.
I love Cesar Milan. We ALL could learn a thing or two about life from that man.
The best advice I can give is to be direct and to the point, but also be compassionate and empathetic at the same time. People like the coworker described have issues, maybe beyond what we know. It’s not ok to be mean to him for the sake of being mean because you bottle up your feelings and then let them explode (unless he, like, assaults you or something).
Try using humor and a “light touch” with your words the first time. “Bob, please don’t do that, ok?” will get you more results (he will stop and you will have a better work environment) than “DON’T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN YOU FREAK!”
You don’t have to like him, but you need to manage your behavior in order to handle him better. Who cares if he is weird? The way YOU deal with it is your responsibility. Don’t give him any ammo when it comes to discussing your personal life. If you have to, just say, “That’s a personal thing for me and I just don’t want to talk about it at work.”
Whatever you do, STOP bottling it up. You WILL eventually explode and guess who will be in trouble for that? YOU.
And remember: Cesar rehabilitates dogs, he TRAINS people!!!
I agree, but smack him on the nose with a newspaper when you tell him “no!”
first, um, I like Dale. I like his solution. and if I weren’t such a coward, i’d take his advice. alas, i’m as timid as that little kid in A Christmas Story before he manned up and beat the shit out of that other bigger kid. Dale, how do I man up like that?
Oh, back to the blog in question. Touching does the trick dude. Skip HR, go to your boss’s boss, or his boss. Say dude touches you and it makes you feel weired (and not in the tingle in your shorts kind…(too much? oh well)). Say you don’t want to cause trouble and get HR involved, but would like them to do something about how close you two sit. They’ll have you or him relocated in two shakes of a sexual harassment claim.
Now, if you’re putting up with it ’cause you want to be in the fab corner office, expect to loose the fab corner office. Price of playing I’m afraid.
All IMHO,
Sid.
Straight up Michael Scott approach.
Jim would do it too.
Maybe even Dwight.
Not the drunk chick though. She’d like the touching. In fact, she might be the toucher.
With you on the kind, clear and timely, Laurie. Most people with this type of behavior are socially inept and don’t know/care that they’re not playing the game well. A few may be bullies or psychological gamers.
Harassment is all about the victim, not the intention of the perpetrator. Provide the documentation to your supervisor and get HR involved so that there’s a record.
@InkedHR is right on the documentation. When, where, what time, date, where touched, what happened when you said, “Please don’t put your hand on my shoulder – that’s uncomfortable for me.”
Direct is the only way. I don’t like that. Please don’t. Don’t. No.
Cesar works, Toby fuels the fire. But if it’s harassment, HR must be notified.
The “weired” coworker could be the fellow that has Asberger’s Disorder that we were being all warm and fuzzy neuro-deiverse about the other day.
I think I would go to my direct supervisor before I went to HR, and ask for guidance to determine how I should adapt and set my own boundaries. It is not just about the other guy changing here. We all have to adapt to others.
Wonder what the weird guy says about HIS coworker?
I love Cesar. Gotta say though, a lot of people have trouble following his advice with their dogs let alone with other people…
First, this guy does need to be calm and direct with his co-worker. I have worked with someone like this and it was painful – but just trying to avoid her resulted in her going to our mutual boss and claiming I had a vendetta against her and was plotting behind her back – I was NOT, I was just trying to block her out and get work done. [sigh]
Second, per Laurie’s earlier post about differences in congition, this guy’s inability to read his co-workers, his apparently encyclopedic knowledge on certain topics, and his attempts to connect with others by either spouting said knowledge or asking excessive questions RE others’ lives without boundaries, make me wonder if he might be in the Autism spectrum or have Aspergers? Understading or attempting to understand where others are comming from often makes it easier to be patient and and kind while dealing with their foibles – but be direct, really direct – hints are NOT going to work with this guy.
Finally, dude, stop smoking – it’s not good for you and will allow you to avoid those uncomfortable smoking-break encounters. That’s a win-win in my book!
)
Everytime he says something to you look at him and say “I love pickles and taking spaghetti showers”, I assure you he will leave you alone.
I like Puf’s approach. I’d suggest turning the weird up to 11. Show him you wear crazy like a moo moo – oversized and in bright colors. Accidentally play an episode of Dexter on your iTunes. Turn up the volume. Let him know you own a boat, some plastic bags and a disturbed past.
All will be well, trust me.
@mark you are crazy.
@JK Is that called gaslighting? I never saw the movie.
@Fran Cesar Millan has the luxury of working with receptive dogs, most without deep psychological problems. Well I don’t know about this. I have some knowledge of Cesar through family members and he works with some deeply wounded dogs. That being said, you are right that this situation is tough.
@Jon You can’t argue with crazy.
@HRChick I think Toby is the least effective way to go when someone is truly crazy. Time and time again, I’ve watched HR departments make things worse — just because they come into the situation at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT and are expected to fix it. Poor HR. Poor Toby.
@InkedHR We are so lawyered up in our society, aren’t we? Documentation for the sake of proof where recollection and honestly used to do just fine…
@Mark So true.
@Dale Whoa, you are bad ass.
@Jenn Good advice. It’s almost like you used to work in HR or sumthin.
@HRU Down, boy, down!
@Sid You need a NUT UP class.
@Marsha I like that this is an issue between two guys. It makes the harassment/touching aspect that much more interesting!
@BZ Wonder what the weird guy says about HIS coworker? I was thinking the same thing, LOL.
@Low All good points — especially the one on smoking. A-freakin-men.
@HRPuf This was advice in a self-defense class I took. Some guy is giving you the willies? Staring at you? Start barking. Howl. Growl. Make babbling noises. He’ll leave you alone.
I say help the weirdo find another job. I did this once with a coworker that I hated, but she didn’t know I hated her.
I prefer Victoria Stillwell to Cesar. She’s got the dominatrix approach going on. Mind you, I don’t mind Cesar but it’s always the same thing with him. At least Victoria always has different ideas to train the people with. It also bugs me that Cesar has started playing psychologist with the humans. Anyway…back to the co-worker. The direct approach can be tried first but I feel, like a few others, that it won’t work. This weirdo co-worker probably realizes that he is bothering this guy and gets his jollies from it. I wonder if this guy even has an HR person, working in such a small office. Perhaps just ignoring him, except for work purposes, is the best thing if he doesn’t take to the direct approach. When weirdo guy realizes he isn’t getting a reaction he may just back off.
Puf, love the advice but I wouldn’t give images of anything involving a shower!
I know I have an unusual perspective of the world. And I can be a know-it-all (or as my partner would say in German, a klugschiesse) from time to time.
But I keep that on a leash at work. Or at least I hope. I generally STFU and do my work. I have another platform for my odd ideas and hobbies. It’s called a BLOG.
Srsly: if it was just talking and words I’d agree with some of the other posters and wonder if it was Asperger’s. That part of it requires some thought if you want to be sensitive to the other guy’s needs.
But as far as the contact goes: The next time that touching happens, there has to be a statement to this dude, with eye contact. Quick but direct. Like: “When you touch me, it makes me uncomfortable. Please don’t do that again.” No apologies, no negotiation. Just state the facts. And follow up that statement with an email to managers/supervisors/HR.
yes i know some people like that. just remember, they have no bad intentions. so dont take anything personally. what i think should be done: turn your “switch” on whenever you talk to him. in one ear, out the other. no need to get affected. remember, there is little you can do to control him. what you can do is control yourself. try it! think of him as your nagging mother whom you love and will put up with no matter what happens. im not saying you should not be direct and tell him to shut up. but be kind when you do so! i think that being his friend will benefit you in the long run. just like your mother.